


MonsterPop

by Lemonade_Stand_Owner



Category: Huniepop & Huniecam (Video Games), Monster Prom (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-07-23 05:13:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 71,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16152317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemonade_Stand_Owner/pseuds/Lemonade_Stand_Owner
Summary: Prom is only three weeks away and Oz, Amira, Brian and Vicky don't have dates.  All hope seems lost, until a certain love fairy arrives as Spooky High's newest Sex Ed teacher.  Can Ms. Sugardust give these students the help they need to succeed?  Buckle up, because this year's Monster Prom is going to be one for the yearbook!





	1. The First Day

“Uuuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhh…….” Brian moaned as he stared down at his plate. Sloppy joes again. Same thing as always. He grabbed a fistful of it and shoved it into his mouth as he continued to moan with each bite. He wasn’t just moaning because that’s what zombies do - it was because he was depressed. Monster Prom was only three weeks away, and he had no one to go with.

His three friends - Oz, Amira and Vicky - were in similar predicaments. None of them had any dates for the single-most important night of their young lives. As Prom Night loomed closer with each passing day, the quartet found themselves more and more discouraged. They all sat at their usual table for the longest time, quietly poking at their food as they moped.

“…So, I heard Valerie is trying to sell a corpse for five bucks!” Vicky said, breaking the melancholic silence. She put on her best smile, trying to lift up her own spirits, and maybe her friends’ as well. “I was thinking that maybe I could buy it, dress it up in a tux, then _technically_ , I’d have a date for prom!“

“That’s….a good plan, Vicky.” Oz said. “I uh….I tried to ask out Polly again today.”

“How far did you get?” Brian asked.

“I got within five feet of her before losing my nerve and running away.” Oz replied.

“New record. Nice.” Brian said. He scratched the back of his head. “So, I hear Liam is into this new band. Blood Wright?”

“Oh yeah - I think I’ve heard of that one.” Oz said. “It’s an alternative metal-rap-pop-folk-R&B-“

“IT’S OVER!” Amira suddenly shouted as the flame on her roared roared into a pillar of fire, catching the other three off guard. “WE’RE THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN THE SCHOOL! WE’VE WASTED OUR PRECIOUS YOUTHS AND NOW EACH OF US ARE DESTINED TO DIE ALONE!”

“…Did you really have to yell that out for the whole cafeteria to hear?” Oz asked.

“Ha! Losers!” one of the werewolf jocks taunted from across the cafeteria.

“What have we been DOING with our LIVES?!” Amira continued her rant as she slammed her face into both palms. “NOTHING! We’ve done NOTHING!”

“…I suppose we have done nothing.” Oz conceded, the little phobias on their shoulders sagging along with them.

“Sometimes I wonder why I bother crawling out of the grave in the morning.” Brian thought aloud to himself.

“Aw, come on guys!” Vicky said. “We can’t give up!”

“Vicky, we’re a bunch of socially awkward dorks.” Brian pointed out.

“And even if we weren’t, Prom Night is only three weeks away. Most of the student body have already found dates. There’s nobody left for us.” Oz added.

“Well….what about them?” Vicky said as she pointed to the other end of the cafeteria. Sitting at that table were six other students - Vera Oberlin, Polly Geist, Damien LaVey, Liam de Lioncourt, Scott Howl, and Miranda Vanderbilt. Scott was beating Damien in an arm wrestling contest while Miranda and Polly cheered them on. Liam and Vera did their best to ignore the roughhousing. “According to what I’ve heard, none of them have dates yet!” Vicky said.

“They’re also way out of our league.” Amira said. “Those guys are some of the most popular students on campus. Hell, Oz is hyperventilating just _looking_ at Polly Geist right now.”

The sentient shadow was breathing in and out heavily, their eyes(?) bulging out of their sockets(??).

“Face it - we’ve had our chance at High School glory, and we blew it!” Amira went on. “And now we’re doomed to live the rest of our lives in regret, wondering what could’ve been!”

It was then that the bell rang. Lunch was over. On to the next class. “What’s our next class? They re-arranged our schedules, so I forget what it was.” Brian asked.

“Sex education.” Oz replied.

“Oh, fuck me.” Amira groaned. “They’re gonna start teaching us the one thing none of us are ever gonna get? That’s just rubbing salt in the wound!”

*******

“Hello, class!” beamed Spooky High’s newest sex ed. teacher. Her appearance was almost blinding to some students - between the hot pink teacher’s uniform, hot pink hair, and the sheer of amount of GLITTER permeating the air around her wings, the fairy lit up the room like a sun - a feature not at all appreciated by the more photosensitive students. “My name is Ms. Sugardust, but everyone just calls me Kyu. And I’m your new court-mandated Sex Education teacher.” she introduced herself by writing her name on the blackboard. Oz raised their hand.

“No, not like the letter. I’m not John de Lancey.” she added without even turning around. Oz put their hand down. She turned to the class and put her hands on her hips. “Now, let’s be real - the whole reason this class exists is because you’re all boning each other, right?”

“You know it!” Polly cried out from the back.

“Boning?!” Scott asked, excitedly. “There’s bones?! Where?! I want bones!!”

Kyu rolled her eyes before tossing the werewolf a nice, juicy soup bone. He grabbed it out of the air and began gnawing on it happily. “Well, seeing as you’re all screwing each other anyway, the school board decided that you should at least be safe while doing it. Which is where yours truly comes in. Don’t worry - I’m not just any kind of fairy. I’m a _love_ fairy. So I know how to keep sex fun AND safe.”

“Bullshit!” Damien called. “Nothing is fun AND safe!”

“Ah, a volunteer!” Kyu said as she walked up to the demon boy’s desk. She placed a banana and a condom on his desk. “Here. You can help the class in its first lesson by demonstrating how to properly wrap a condom around a penis. With your mouth.”

Damien leered at the banana. “Bananas. My old nemesis….”

As the demon continuously tried and failed to condom a banana the sexy way, the quartet of losers looked on from the distant corner of the classroom where no one could see their single, dateless shame. Vicky leaned over to Brian. “Did you hear that?” she whispered to the zombie. “Ms. Sugardust is a love fairy! Do you know what that means?”

“That she’s better than our last Sex Ed teacher?” Brian whispered.

“She _does_ seem more open-minded about the course’s subject matter.” Oz said, joining in on the whispering. “All Mr. Voorhees ever did was stab people for having pre-marital sex.”

“Yeah, he was a little too socially conservative for my tastes.” Amira said. “Like, I get stabbing people for not using a condom, but - ”

“No, you sillies! It means she can help us find dates for the prom!” Vicky said excitedly.

“Holy shit, Vicky might be on to something.” Amira said. “I’ve heard stories about love fairies. Their whole deal is helping social rejects like us get laid!”

“It _would_ be nice to get laid.” Brian admitted.

“But do you think she’d really help us?” Oz said.

“It’s worth a try!” Vicky replied excitedly.

“Alright. We’ll approach her after class about it.” Amira said.

*******

Kyu was feeling confident in her new job. Though she quit being a match maker to run her own cam girl business, she had to confess that she kinda missed taking the young and the dumb under her wing and showing them how to become sex gods. Yes, teaching a room full of impressionable young people how to suit up a guy with your mouth really took her back. If Huniepop didn’t work out, she could see this being a decent back-up gig.

“Er….Ms. Sugardust?” asked a cheerful, slightly-nervous voice. Kyu looked up from the papers she was grading on her desk to see the voice’s source - a pale-skinned flesh golem girl dressed in black pants, black dress shoes, and a sensible blue sweater over a white collared t-shirt. Her hair was long and wavy, black with a streak of white. She bore the stitches across her skin that her race was most well known for, as well as the pair of spark plugs on her neck. She looked at the fairy with the biggest, most adorably hopeful smile.

Standing behind her were three other students. One of them was a zombie wearing a green leather jacket with a sheep’s wool (or is that jackalope wool?) hood. The jacket was open, exposing a dirty black t-shirt underneath, with similarly dirty black jeans and equally dirty hiking boots. The fact that it was all dirty didn’t surprise Kyu - hygiene was generally not a zombie’s strong suit, what with the rotting flesh and all. Speaking of rot, part of his cheek was gone, exposing his teeth as well as a good chunk of his neck, like a hicky that went horribly wrong (or right? Maybe zombies are into that. Kyu doesn’t judge), and his skin in general was a sickly shade of green.

The second was a dark-skinned fire djinn, judging from the fact that her hair was literally on fire. She wore sexy black thigh-high boots, a little black dress, and a bright red jacket over the dress. She gave Kyu a winning smirk that Kyu could see right away was merely the confident facade of yet another dorky, insecure teenager.

The last student was the strangest of all, in that he was basically a shadow. He didn’t really have a mouth, as far as the fairy could tell. Just white….eyes? Also, what were those other two blobs on his shoulders? He was wearing a yellow cardigan over his white collared t-shirt, a bit like the flesh golem’s sweater.

“Hi.” the flesh golem began. “I’m Vicky. And that’s Brian, Amira, and Oz.” she introduced herself and her friends, the zombie, the djinn and the shadow respectively.

“Weren’t you those four guys whispering to each other in the corner?” Kyu asked.

“Oh!” Vicky said. “Oh. Well, you see……uh……”

“We were whispering about how much of an awesome teacher you are!” Amira cut in.

“Yeah! You’re great!” Vicky ran with it. “You’re like one of those teachers who are bitter, but in a really cool way!”

“And you talk to us like we’re adults!” Oz added.

“And you give us valuable lessons on how to face the difficulties of youth” Amira went on.

“None of you were paying attention and you’re just reciting shit you saw in movies, right?” Kyu asked.

“Pretty much.” Brian confessed, earning a punch to the arm from Amira - leaving a burnt-up hole in his jacket. “Hey - I like this jacket.”

“Yeah - I can tell from the way you wear it every day WITHOUT WASHING IT.” Amira growled as her flames started growing.

“Okay fine, you caught us.” Vicky admitted. “But we paid enough attention to know that you’re a love fairy!”

Kyu paused, then looked over her shoulder at her own wings. “Did you now?” she asked.

“Yeah, and we were hoping you could help us!” Vicky went on. “See, as you probably know already, Monster Prom is in three weeks and none of us have dates!”

“And you want _my_ help in turning you guys into lean, mean, dating machines.” Kyu said as she leaned back in her chair and propped up her hot-pink high heels on the desk.

“Exactly!” Vicky said. “So, whaddaya say?”

Kyu removed her glasses and chewed on them for a moment in thought. She didn’t actually need to wear glasses - they were just prop glasses she brought with her from Huniepop’s prop room because the sexy teacher ensemble just doesn’t feel complete without glasses. She regarded the four poor saps. They REEKED of quiet desperation, a scent that Kyu had become very familiar with over the course of a two-hundred-year-long love fairy career. Hormones were surging through their systems and they were desperate for release. She could also smell hope on them - hope that the love fairy before them would deliver them from their single, dateless, sexless hell.

“…Hundred bucks.” Kyu said.

“What?” Vicky asked.

“Hundred bucks. _From each of you._ ” Kyu emphasized.

“But we don’t have that kind of money!” Amira raged.

“Also, isn’t it like, your sworn duty to help the loveless find love?” Brian asked.

“No, that’s my _job._ ” Kyu corrected. “As in it’s what I’m PAID to do. Sorry kids, but I don’t do charity cases. No Munie, no Hunie. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some failing grades to hand out and, spoiler warning, one of you four REALLY needs to figure out how to find a clitoris. Probably why you don’t have a prom date.”

And with that, the fairy shooed the four students out of her classroom before shutting the door on their butts. “…Welp. Guess that’s that.” Brian said before fishing out his smart phone. “I wonder if there are any good movies playing on Prom Night.”

“Oh FUCK THAT!” Amira raged. “I’m not giving up that easy! Not when we’re THIS CLOSE!”

“But where are we gonna get four hundred dollars?” Oz asked.

“I think you know where. To the library!” Amira declared.

*****

Kyu’s first day on the job had been a surprisingly long one - it was nearly seven by the time she could finally call it a day. After grading her last paper (seriously - how is it that NO ONE in this school knows how a vagina works?), she started heading back home.

The fairy had managed to find a good apartment for rent not too far from the campus. It was a little small for her liking, but the bed was big enough for two so at least her booty call quota could still be reliably filled. As she kicked off her heels and propped her feet on the coffee table, she wondered if she should give Lola a call - make sure Candace didn’t burn down the studio or something. She quickly shelved that doubt - Lola was easily one of the smarter, more competent Hunies. Kyu had little doubts that she was doing just fine. Which left the fairy free to enjoy her evening. So she queue’d up some hentai and got the tentacle dildo out…

_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK_

Kyu groaned as she hit pause and put the dildo away. Who was trying to bug her at this hour? She opened the door. “Okay, what do you-“

And that’s when Amira shoved about a hundred dollars in singles into Kyu’s arms. “Hundred big ones! I counted!” the djinn bragged as she marched into Kyu’s apartment with purpose.

“What?” Kyu asked. “How-“

“Online poker.” Amira said. “I’m good at it. REAL good.”

“Wait, wait, YOU gamble?” Kyu asked.

“That IS awfully risky.” Oz said as he marched in and dropped off his own massive pile of money on Kyu’s coffee table. “That’s why I prefer scamming people on Startkicker.”

“What?!” Kyu demanded.

“Yeah - I kinda made something up about a video game or something…” Oz said as he scratched the back of his neck shyly.

“Startkicker is risky too, you know.” Vicky said as she walked in with her own armful of money, dropping it on Kyu’s couch. “That’s why I prefer scamming people the old fashioned way - tried and true male enhancement pills that are really just placebos!”

Finally, Brian walked in and wordlessly dumped his own massive pile of cash on Kyu’s couch to join Vicky’s. “…I sell bitcoins.” he explained.

“So - you gonna train us now or what?” Amira asked.

“Wait! Wait. Time out. Hold up.” Kyu said as she closed the door to her apartment and locked it to ensure no further interruptions. “You guys mean to tell me that you all came up with a grand total of four hundred bucks through a series of shady and/or straight-up illegal online cons?”

The four of them all nodded.

“…Wow.” Kyu said. “You guys may seem like lovable dorks, but in truth you’re a bunch of borderline-sociopathic scumbags willing to lie, cheat, and straight up break both the laws of decency and actual laws just to get laid.”

“…And?” Brian asked.

“…And that is why you’ll be PERFECT proteges!” Kyu cheerfully announced as she fluttered around her newest pack of apprentices, covering them in fairy dust. “Kids - tonight is your lucky night. I don’t like to brag, but I’ll have you know that I have a _very_ impressive track record as a love fairy. All of my previous clients are basically walking dick and/or pussy magnets now. The four of you though…”

She paused and regarded them. The shy shadow, the hot-headed djinn, the apathetic zombie, and the smiling flesh golem.

“…Let’s just say, you guys will be my greatest accomplishments yet.” Kyu finished.

“…Hey Oz - did she just throw shade at us?” Brian asked.

“Why are you asking me?” Oz asked.

“I mean, you ARE a literal shadow. So I figured you’d know.”

“Wow. Racist much?”

“Hey!” Kyu said as she clapped her hands together. “FOCUS, class! Now then, we’ve only got three weeks until Monster Prom, so we need to get started right away. Tell me, how many dates HAVE you guys been on?”

“Uh….” Vicky nervously stuttered.

“Like, actual dates with physical people?” Oz asked.

“I mean….you know….an amount.” Amira answered.

“Define ‘date.’” Brian said.

“Oh my god, it’s worse than I thought, isn’t it?” Kyu asked. “Alright, we’re all going on a date, right now. Someone has to show you kids the ropes.”

With that, Kyu opened a pink, glittery fairy portal through time and space. “I know a place that’s open pretty late. You guys will love it! Or not, I don’t care.” With that, she hopped through. The quartet hesitantly followed, hoping that this would be their first steps on the road to glory, love, and really kinky sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right - a Huniepop / Monster Prom crossover. Because I'm honestly shocked that no one else tried to do this.
> 
> Well, you know what? If no one else will do it, I'LL do it! There's simply too much comedic potential here and I refuse to let it go unexploited.
> 
> I've actually been working on this since frigging MAY. I've been waiting MONTHS to finally start posting these chapters, so expect regular updates all throughout October.
> 
> So, can these four losers find love? Well, if anyone can help them, it's everybody's favorite love fairy! Stay tuned next time when Kyu shows these kids the ropes!


	2. The Tutorial

“Okay!” Kyu began as she clapped her hands together. She had taken the four monsters through a fairy portal to an outdoor lounge on top of a hill overlooking some generic college town. “This is where we shall test out your dating skills, or lack thereof. Figure out what, exactly, I’ve got to work with.”

“Wait…” Brian said as he sniffed the air. “…Is this a human place? I smell humans here.”

“Well yeah.” Kyu replied. “Don’t worry though - as far as human towns go, Glenberry is a pretty chill-“

“AH! HUMANS!” Vicky shrieked as she leapt into Brian’s arms. “THEY’RE GONNA FIND US AND KILL US WITH THEIR TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS!”

“Or shoot us in our heads…” Brian said as the embalming fluid drained from his face.

“Or shine flashlights at us!” Oz panicked.

“Oh God - IT’S A COASTAL TOWN!!!” Amira screamed as she saw the ocean on the horizon. “THERE’S SO MUCH WATER OVER THERE! THAT FUCKING FAIRY DOOMED US ALL!”

Kyu’s pimp hand swiftly backhanded them all across their faces. “Everybody CHILL!” Kyu ordered. “There aren’t any humans here right now, and even if there were, they can neither see nor hear you. Thanks to my fairy magic, we are all in full Ghost of Christmas mode. Now then, let’s get started. YOU. SHADOW BOY. FRONT AND CENTER.”

“Well, I’m technically not a boy.” Oz said. “I’m more of a formless, genderless amalgamation of all Humanity’s fears-“

“I SAID FRONT AND CENTER.”

Oz yipped and zoomed up to the love fairy. “Now then…try to make small talk with me.”

Oz froze. “S-small talk?”

“I need to know what I’m working with.” Kyu explained. “So go ahead. Ask me something. Favorite color, favorite season, cup size, anything really.”

Oz paused. Then, they shivered. Several phobias popped up and began wriggling excitedly as Oz’s fear heightened. “I said ‘make small talk with me.’” Kyu growled.

And that’s when Oz fainted.

“…Right then. Next!” Kyu shrieked.

*****

“Hey there, sexy mama.” Amira said with a wiggle of her eyebrows. “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

“Hmmm….” Kyu said. “Okay, points for confidence, but your actual lines need work.”

“WHAT?!” Amira shouted as her flame roared to twice its height. “I WORKED ON THAT LINE ALL NIGHT FUCK YOU!!!”

*****

“…Wanna make out?” Brian asked after a good minute of not knowing what else to say.

“…No. No I do not.” Kyu replied.

“Okay.” Brian said as he walked away. Kyu sighed and facepalmed.

*****

Vicky just straight up threw a piano at the love fairy, the massive instrument crashing into a thousand pieces next to her. “Hello! You are very attractive, ma’am!” she shouted at Kyu.

Kyu just stared at her blankly, mildly mortified that she was almost crushed by a piano. “I….I was trying to break the ice.” Vicky shyly admitted.

*****

“Okay, so I’ve confirmed that you all suck at this.” Kyu began once the first round of practice dates ended. “But now I have a better understanding of _why_ you all suck.”

Kyu turned to Oz. “YOU have one of the worst cases of social anxiety I’ve ever seen. This may come as a surprise to you, but getting laid requires the ability to _talk_ to people.”

“I can’t help it! I’m a living personification of fear itself! I’m literally MADE of anxiety!” Oz argued.

She turned to Amira. “You’ve got anger issues, which makes you difficult to approach because people are probably scared you’ll burn them to a crisp if they so much as look at you wrong.”

“SAY THAT TO MY FACE!” Amira shrieked as he body was wreathed in flames, oblivious to the fact that Kyu actually did just, in fact, say that to her face.

She turned to Brian. “You lack passion - a KEY ingredient in any relationship. People won’t give a shit about you if you don’t give a shit about….well, _anything._ ”

“…I’m dead.” Brian said. “What do people want out of me? A song and dance routine?”

Kyu finally turned to Vicky. “You’re friendly enough, but the problem is that you’ve got zero social skills. You have enthusiasm, but you don’t really know what to do with it, so you usually just say or do the first random thing that pops into your head. Sometimes that’s charming and endearing, but most of the time it’s weird and makes people not want to talk to you.”

“…Uh…..” Vicky stuttered before grabbing a candle off one of the tables and eating it.

“In conclusion, each of you is a hot mess in your own unique way. You guys are like snowflakes, if snowflakes were complete fuck-ups.” Kyu summarized. “Normally, the next step is to address each of your flaws and work on them before letting you loose in the field. But we don’t really have the time for that, so we’re just gonna have to hammer out those flaws as we go.”

With that, she opened another fairy portal. “This portal will take you back to campus. We’ll call it a night for now. But tomorrow morning, I wanna see you all before first bell. That’s when the REAL work begins…”

*****

The four friends shared a flat together, largely because it was cheaper than four singles or two doubles. Meeting Kyu before classes even start, it would be the earliest the four of them had ever gotten up in their entire lives, and like most high school students, they weren’t exactly morning people to start with. Thank the gods of both light and darkness for coffee.

As much as they hated getting up so early, the promise of prom dates was enough motivation to get them up a whole hour earlier than usual, put on their best clothes, and brush their teeth like they were about to put those bad boys up for auction on eBay. With Prom Night only two weeks and six days away (wait, today's Tuesday and Prom Night's on a Saturday so....oh shit! Two weeks and FOUR days! They had even less time than they thought!), the love fairy’s teachings were their best and last chance to secure the ultimate high school glory.

The campus was all but deserted when the four arrived on the scene, because literally NOBODY is up at this hour. It was actually low-key creepy seeing the normally chaotic school completely deserted like this. Vicky knocked on the door to Kyu’s classroom, and the fairy let them in.

“Alright class!” Kyu said, clapping her hands together once the four took their seats in the front row. “Your crash course in love has officially begun! Now, we love fairies operate via something we like to call ‘Token Theory.’” she began as she started drawing symbols on the blackboard with various colors of colored chalk. “Okay - imagine that dating is like a match-four puzzle game on your phone.”

“Oh! You mean like Candy Crush?” Vicky asked.

“NO! CANDY CRUSH IS A STUPID GAME AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT!” Kyu shrieked in Vicky’s face.

…

“ANYWAY, imagine dating is like a match-four puzzle game.” she resumed as she finished drawing the symbols - a pink heart, a yellow bell, a blue musical note, a red rain drop, a green star, and an orange crescent. “Over here are the tokens you want to match four of - flirtation, romance, talent, and sexuality.” she said, pointing to the star, crescent, musical note and rain drop respectively. “Nearly everyone’s likes and dislikes can be distilled into one of these four basic categories. These are pretty self-explanatory, but we’ll quickly go over them for posterity’s sake.”

“Flirtation is required to woo people who just wanna have some light-hearted fun. Nothing too heavy or serious, usually low-commitment. They often appreciate witty charmers the most.”

“Then you’ve got romance. People who desire romance want something more. They want poems, fancy dinners, foot rubs, the whole nine yards.”

“For some people though, actions speak louder than words. What those people desire most is talent - the ability to DO shit. VERY important.”

“And finally, sexuality. Basically, people who desire this trait most are horny. Like, all the time. Questions so far?”

Oz and Vicky were diligently taking notes, as was Amira surprisingly enough. Even Brian was able to pay attention, though he did have to slap himself to keep himself awake. “Okay, moving on - passion!” Kyu pointed to the giant pink heart on the board. “Passion is the backbone of a perfect date. Think of it as the score multiplier in our hypothetical match-four game. Without passion, all the sexuality, talent and so forth in the world will do you no good.”

“Finally we have joy.” she pointed to the yellow bell. “The _other_ backbone of the perfect date. You see, dates are meant to be _fun_ , first and foremost. If your date isn’t having a good time, you’re not doing it right, which means the date isn’t gonna last very long. Think of them as the bonuses that give you extra turns in our match-four game - if your date is enjoying themselves, they’ll want to spend more time with you, which in turns gives you more time to work your magic. You guys with me so far?”

Vicky nodded enthusiastically. Oz was struggling to keep up. Amira was taking notes so hard, her pencil was smoking. And finally, Brian finally succumbed to the hour and fell asleep in his chair. Kyu sighed. “Okay, zombie boy can copy off the rest of you later. Next lesson - the importance of keeping your date well-fed!”

Oz raised their hand. “Er, Ms. Sugardust? Is there going to be a test on this?”

“Oh yeah. There’ll be a test.” the fairy replied with a smirk. “But I won’t be the one giving it to you. The ones giving that test to you will be your dates. And fair warning - their standards for a passing grade are MUCH higher than mine.”

Oz gulped nervously. As did Vicky and Amira. Not Brian, though. He was still asleep.

*****

Kyu had taken her four new proteges outside, under the large oak tree on the hill that overlooked the whole schoolyard. Because that’s where all the really _cool_ and _inspirational_ teachers take their kids to give them new perspectives on life. Truly, if they made a movie about Kyu’s time here, she would be played by Anne Hathaway.

Anyway, as Kyu took her quartet outside, that’s when the school day proper began. Students arrived on campus to either attend their first classes or cut their first classes. It seemed the quartet would be doing the latter today, but it was with an inspiring teacher, so it was cool.

“Alright.” Kyu said. “I have one last thing to give you all; and this is important.”

The fairy snapped her fingers and, in a poof of fairy dust, four smart-phone-like devices appeared in the quartet’s hands. “Woah - what’s this?” Vicky asked.

“Introducing the latest in love fairy technology. The HunieBee five-point-oh!” Kyu said. “The HunieBee is an essential lifeline for any player on the go. It automatically registers the info of any potential suitor you happen to meet.”

“That sounds a little creepy.” Oz observed.

“Hey, you should see the old four-point-oh models.” Kyu scoffed. “ _Those_ tracked your lovers’ locations at all times.”

“ _Yikes._ ” Amira winced.

“Yeah, after like, the fiftieth reported stalker, we decided that feature was more trouble than it was worth and just quietly took it out.” Kyu explained. “Anyway, you can use the Huniebee to organize your inventory, buy new gifts, upgrade your traits, it’s pretty awesome. We don’t have time to go over every feature, but you’re big kids. You can figure it out.”

Brian idly gnawed on his HunieBee. “Um, I don’t think you’re supposed to chew on it, Brian.” Vicky said.

“I haven’t had breakfast. Get off my back, _Mom_.” Brian replied. 

“Okay, great!” Kyu said as she slapped the HunieBee out of the zombie’s mouth. “I think that’s it for now. Let’s get out there and talk to some monsters!”

“…Wait, like, right now?” Oz asked.

“No time like the present. I’ve taught you how to date and I’ve armed you with HunieBees. You’re about as ready as you’re gonna get.” Kyu said. She rolled up her sleeve a bit and checked her watch. “Plus, by my count, you guys have exactly 443 hours and 52 minutes until prom. Oh, scratch that, _51_ minutes. So yeah - better hop to it.”

“You heard the lady! We’re on the clock!” Amira said as she stood up. “It’s time to fire up!” she slammed her fist into an open palm, generating a burst of flame from the impact.

“Yeah! Let’s go live our lives!” Vicky cried as she jumped aboard.

“I’ve been afraid of everything all my life.” Oz said as they too got up. “But just once, I’m gonna be BRAVE!”

“…Sure, okay.” Brian said as he got up and slowly followed his three enthusiastic fans as they charged down the hill as if heading off into battle. Kyu wiped a few tears of pride from her eyes.

“I am such an awesome teacher.” she quietly sobbed.


	3. Let the Games Begin!

Another day, another lunch hour at the cafeteria. But this time, it was different. This time, instead of moping, the quartet were hyping each other up for dates! Before today, the idea of prom dates was little more than a hopeless dream. But now, armed with HunieBees and Kyu’s teachings, the prospective prom date was no longer merely a dream - it was a real, tangible possibility, which excited them to no end.

“Oh man, I don’t even know who to ask out first!” Amira gushed. “Miranda? No, Scott! Woah! What about Miranda AND Scott?! Make a djinn sandwich at prom!”

“At long last - I can finally tell Polly how I feel about her!” Oz said. “Or at least, get within two feet of her.”

“…Liam’s kinda cute.” Brian shrugged.

“Well, I’M going to try my luck with Vera!” Vicky bragged.

“There she is, sitting with Polly!” Amira said, pointing to the table.

“Okay. Wish me luck!” Vicky said as she hopped away and marched over to Vera with confidence. As the flesh golem got closer, she could hear the gorgon’s conversation with the ghost. She ducked behind a pillar so she could eavesdrop on the conversation, because that’s totally what regular, not creepy people do.

“So, whaddaya think?” Polly asked.

“…This is horrendous.” Vera replied as she pushed away the glass of wine.

“WHAT?!” Polly demanded. “HOW DARE YOU KNOCK MY TOILET WINE! IT’S AN OLD FAMILY RECIPE!”

“Well, you come from a family of sub-par winemakers.” Vera said. “This stuff PALES in comparison to the fine toilet wine in HMP Irongate. Those inmates can work MIRACLES with just a little sugar and the alcohol drained from deodorant. It’s an art form you can’t possibly HOPE to master.”

“Damn, Vera. Why you gotta do me dirty like that?” Polly asked, now a little bit dejected from her friend’s harsh criticisms.

“What can I say? It’s a gift.” Vera replied.

“Ooh, she’s got attitude, huh?”

“AH!” Vicky shrieked as she jumped and saw Kyu by her side. “What are you doing here?!”

“Huh? Oh yeah.” Kyu said. “Don’t worry - my glamour can work on monsters as well as humans. You’re the only one in the cafeteria who can see or hear me right now.”

“Um, okay.” Vicky replied. “But why, though?”

“It’s so I can give you advice on the sidelines.” Kyu replied. “Anyway - Vera here is what we in the love fairy business refer to as ‘a mega bitch.’ Confidence is key here. Pushovers are a major turn-off for her, so you have to take charge and let her know that her bullshit isn’t going to faze you. But whatever you do, just stay cool.”

“Take charge. Got it.” Vicky said. Easier said than done, though. How do you take charge over someone like Vera Oberlin, who all but INVENTED the boss bitch persona? No really. Every time someone plays that song, PTAF owes HER royalties.

Vicky took a deep breath, stuffed her fears to the side, and just casually took a seat next to Vera and ate her lunch. “… _Excuse you._ ” came Vera’s venomous voice. “What makes you think you can sit at _our_ table.”

“…Because it’s _our_ table.” Vicky replied, giving Vera a brief wink.

“…Yeah, no.” Vera replied as she took out the .45 she kept strapped to her leg and unloaded a round into Vicky’s leg.

_BANG_

Vicky’s leg sported a fresh bullet hole that was now leaking blood or whatever the frankenmonster equivalent of blood is. But Vicky was utterly unphased, only giving the gorgon a raised eyebrow. Vera leered at Vicky and put a few more rounds into her leg.

 _BANG_ _BANG_ _BANG_

“Joke’s on you, Vera. Thanks to my Frankensteinian heritage, I can’t feel pain!” Vicky said. That was a lie. In truth, she was in an excruciating amount of pain right now. But Kyu said to stay cool, so stay cool she would.

“…Fine.” Vera said as she finally put the gun away, deciding that getting rid of this unwanted guest would be more bullets than it was worth. “Just don’t talk to me. Or look at me. Or acknowledge my existence in any way.”

Vicky didn’t even nod in reply as she went back to her meal. She did glance at Vera though and saw something in her eyes besides contempt - _respect._ Respect only for an unusually high lead tolerance, true, but respect all the same. It was a good enough start.

*****

Oz shivered as they stood at the corner of the hallway. Just around the corner was Polly at her locker, chatting with Scott.

“Okay Scott, follow me on this.” Polly said. “…Bacon cocaine. Bacaine, if you will.”

“Hmm…Coach said winners don’t do drugs.” Scott opined. “But on the other hand, I do love bacon.”

“Yeah - you take bacon, blend it into powder, and then just snort it!” Polly gushed.

“Wait…but then you can’t really tasted bacon.” Scott said. “So, what’s the point?”

“I dunno. BUT I AIM TO FIND OUT!” Polly shouted. “Quick! Go get the bacon from your locker!”

“I ate it all. Oh! I’ll get it from the bacon store!” With that, the werewolf took off on all fours down the hall.

“Run Scott! RUN LIKE THE WIND!” Polly shouted after him.

“Well, well, well.” Kyu said as she appeared by Oz’s side. “Got a thing for party girls, I see.”

Oz jumped, until he remembered how Vicky mentioned in the group chat how Kyu would be appearing next to people all invisible-like. “Uh….hehe. Yeah. Just gonna…..ask her out.”

“ _Just_ ask her out?” Kyu asked. “Ozzy. Can I call you Ozzy? I don’t think you fully understand the gravity of the situation here.”

“I don’t?” Oz asked.

“You don’t.” Kyu replied. “This is what separates the men from the boys.”

“But technically I’m neither a man or a boy. I’m a genderless, formless amalgamation of-“

“You know what I mean!” Kyu snapped. “Point is, you’ve got to be aggressive! That nice guy shit isn’t gonna cut it here.”

“It’s not?” Oz asked.

“No! Polly is a textbook party girl. She may _seem_ easy, but If you can’t keep up with her, she will leave you behind in the dust.” Kyu explained.

Oz gulped and went right back to shaking like a leaf. Kyu sighed. “I had a feeling you weren’t ready for Polly. Come on, we’ll find you a nice, introverted gamer girl who’s more your speed. Maybe one with blue hair.”

“No!” Oz shouted. “I can do this!”

“YEAH, GO SHADOW DUDE!”

Oz yelped and jumped, noticing that Polly was hovering right next to him. “Oh hey, you can see the love fairy too?” Polly asked.

“No she can’t, she’s just really high.” Kyu replied.

“I am?” Polly asked.

“GAH! You _can_ see me!” Kyu jumped. “How high are you right now?!”

“I dropped a gallon of LSD.” Polly said. “Like, a literal gallon. From a milk jug.”

“Uh, I’m high too!” Oz said as he stepped forward.

“You are?” Polly asked.

“You are?” Kyu asked too.

“Yeah! I’m high on…..pixie dust!” Oz said. He pointed at Kyu. “She’s my dealer!”

“Awesome!” Polly said as she turned to Kyu. “GIMME YOUR PIXIE DUST!”

“Er…” Kyu stuttered, not used to being dragged into someone els’s game this directly.

“Come on, Kyu - help me out.” Oz quietly begged.

Kyu sighed and handed Polly a bag of fairy dust. “First one’s free.” she said. Polly opened the bag and dunked her head inside, inhaling it all through her vortex-like nostrils. Her pupils widened like saucers as she started giggling incessantly for no particular reason.

“She’s like a perfect goddess of forbidden hedonism…” Oz sighed longingly.

“I CAN TASTE TIME ITSELF!” Polly shouted.

“That’s….one way to describe her.” Kyu commented, a little bit scared now.

*****

“So, you CAN’T snort bacon?” Scott asked.

Liam sighed. “No Scott. No you cannot.” The two young men were chatting outside by the bathroom stalls behind the school.

“But Polly said-“

“Polly would snort anything.” Liam explained. “At her funeral, she tried to snort her own ashes.”

“Really?”

“No, but admit it - you believed it for a second.” Liam replied.

“I believe many things!” Scott said as his tail wagged.

“I’m sure you do.” Liam said. “Well Scott, I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got to meet Vera at the auditorium. I need her help writing a scathing review for the class play.” With that, the vampire walked off. Scott looked back and forth, and all around, making sure there was no one around. He then unzipped his fly and marked the nearby garbage can as his.

“Come on, baby…” Amira said as she watched from behind a tree. “Show Mama what she came to see…”

“You do realize creeping on him isn’t a good first impression, right?” Kyu said as she hovered above Amira’s head.

“It’s Scott. He knows what I’m about.” Amira explained. Scott turned, smiled and waved at Amira. Amira smiled and waved back.

“Does he even know you?” Kyu asked.

“Sure he does.” Amira replied. “I’m the girl that watches him pee every day at eleven.”

“You have issues, girl.” Kyu said.

“Yeah, well, that’s what you’re here for.” Amira said as she ducked back behind the tree.

“I’m a love fairy, not a therapist.” Kyu said. “I’m just here to get you laid. As for your obvious psychological issues, you’re on your own.”

“Just shut up and tell me how to seduce Scott!” Amira snapped as her hair flared in anger.

“Alright, alright, take a chill pill.” Kyu said. “Now then - flirting with airheads like Scott is actually a bit trickier than you would think. The problem is that the more subtle flirts are gonna go right over their heads. Which may be for the best, seeing as subtlety doesn’t seem like your strong suit anyway.”

“WHAT?! I’M CRAZY-SUBTLE!” Amira raged as he head flame grew large enough to make the tree’s leaves catch fire.

“Sure you are.” Kyu replied. “Anyway, this is your classic guy-next-door situation. He’s nice, so don’t say anything to scare him off. But don’t be afraid to take a chance!”

“Okay then. Here we go!” Amira said as she marched out from behind the tree and over to Scott with purpose. “Hey Scott!” she shouted at her. “Watch this!”

And then she set the tree on fire.

While Kyu was still hovering there.

Because apparently, that’s Amira’s idea of ‘taking a chance.’

“Woah!” Scott said when the tree went up, blind to the love fairy fluttering away and slapping out the flames that got on her suit. “I didn’t know you could do that, peeping girl!”

“Thanks.” Amira said. “My name is Amira by the way.”

“Well, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you, peeping girl Amira!” Scott replied.

*****

“Alright, before we begin, I am NOT your drug dealer, nor are you to set ANYTHING on fire. Got it?” Kyu asked.

“…Do I wanna ask?” Brian asked.

“I’d rather you didn’t.” Kyu replied with a sigh. This is why she preferred hanging out in the human world. Not as much arson there. “Okay, so who’s _your_ crush, big guy?”

Brian pointed into the audience in Spooky High’s auditorium. Kyu peaked around the backstage curtain that Brian was hiding behind. She spotted the purple-skinned vampire chatting with the gorgon in the audience.

“Ugh, that last scene was horrible.” Vera said. “It almost made me vomit.”

“I know, it was so cliche.” Liam grumbled. “I mean, a princess? Really? I mean, it was fresh back when Walter first did it, but it’s been over eighty years since Snow White. You’d think the trend would’ve run its course by now.”

“Wait, YOU knew Walt Disney?” Vera asked.

“Before he sold out and went mainstream, yeah.” Liam sneered.

“Hoo boy.” Kyu commented. “Sure about him? He looks like he’s not a big fan of people.”

“What? He’s cute.” Brian shrugged. “Plus he’s got good taste in music.”

“Hm…” Kyu said as she stroked her chin in thought. “Well, he’s a total hipster, so your inability to give a shit about most things WOULD be attractive to him. I very rarely give out this advice but….just be yourself?”

“Works for me.” Brian said as he marched out on stage in his dragon costume on the director’s instruction. He cleared his throat. “I’m not actually a dragon. I’m actually a zombie in a dragon costume.”

Kyu facepalmed. “Not literally you dumbass!”

“My God…” Liam breathed in amazement. “He’s _meta-acting…_ ”

“I don’t think that’s a thing, Liam.” Vera replied.

“Shh! I want to see where he goes with this…” Liam shushed.

“…Forget what I said. Keep being literal!” Kyu hissed.

*****

That evening, the four friends met Kyu by that same oak tree on the hill and eagerly regaled how they all started to woo their respective crushes.

“I talked to Polly. I talked to Polly! She acknowledges the fact that I exist!”

“Vera admires my bullet tolerance and wants to hire me as a bodyguard-slash-meat shield!”

“Scott let me rub his belly! That’s like, second base with him!”

“…Liam and I are gonna go see a movie after school tomorrow.”

“Aww, look at you guys.” Kyu gushed. “You’re all turning into little players! Okay, check your huniebees - let’s get an idea of your crushes’ likes and dislikes.”

The four did just that. “Hm, says here Vera’s most desired trait is talent.” Vicky said. “Makes sense - she values competence in her minions.”

“Says here Liam likes romance.” Brian said. “Huh. Didn’t take him for the type.”

“Scott likes flirting. Awesome! I’m a badass flirter!” Amira boasted.

Oz gulped. “Polly’s most desired trait is…..sexuality.”

“Alright, the four main food groups of love! Perfect!” Kyu said. “Vicky, we gotta work on making you more athletic and/or artistic. Amira, we’re gonna make you more fun to hang around. Brian, I’m gonna teach you how to do a good foot rub, and Oz - you’re gonna need fuzzy handcuffs.”

“…Fuzzy handcuffs?” Oz nervously asked.

“Among other things.” Kyu replied. “We’re just getting started, fam. It’s time to take it to the next level…”


	4. Planning the Weekend

“Is that a guitar?” Amira asked.

“Kyu’s making me learn how to play - she says chicks dig chicks who can play guitar.” Vicky explained.

“How’s that working out?” Brian asked.

“I was up all night practicing.” Vicky replied. She then spotted Vera sitting by herself on the other side of the cafeteria. “Okay, time to see if my practice paid off.” she said as she walked over to where the gorgon was sitting. She was checking something on her smart phone and didn’t even look up at Vicky as she approached.

“What.” she stated more than asked without even taking her eyes off her phone.

“Check this out, Vera!” Vicky said as she started strumming on the guitar. “Wait…” she said as she messed up a note. “Wait, no, I got this.” She said as she messed up another note. “Okay, um, the reason I suck is sleep deprivation because I was TOTALLY practicing ALL NIGHT last night.” she tried to play off her lameness as actually being cool.

“Yes, I understand, may I see that guitar for a moment?” Vera asked as she put away her phone and made eye contact with the flesh golem for the first time.

“Sure!” Vicky said as she handed the gorgon the guitar.

And that’s when Vera smashed the guitar over Vicky’s head.

Vicky just stood there, the remains of her guitar around her neck like a weird neckless, never even flinching from the pain. “You’re my meat shield, not my private musician. Your job is to jump in front of my rivals’ bullets. That’s it. Understood?”

“Ten four, boss!” Vicky replied as she gave an oblivious thumbs up.

*****

Oz was in the library, bitcoin trading on the computer. The problem with startkicker scams is that they’re usually a one-and-done deal - the ones who always get caught are the ones who try to do it twice. So, after some tutoring from Brian, Oz is getting their feet wet in the world of crypto-currency. They still had no idea how any of it worked, but that’s okay, because nobody does.

“There they are!”

“Gah!” Oz yelped as he noticed Kyu appear next to him. “Why do you always do that?!”

“I’m a love fairy. It’s what we do.” Kyu replied. “Also, heads-up - your beautiful boo, ten o’clock.”

Oz noticed Polly on the other side of the library, then obeyed his first instinct of ducking and hiding under his desk, curled up in the fetal position.

“…Really, dude?” Kyu asked.

“…Sorry. Force of habit.” Oz replied as they slowly came out from hiding.

“Looks like she’s kind of bummed about something.” Kyu replied. “Normally, this would be a tough approach, but I happen to know a trick that’ll instantly get you on her good side.”

“Please tell me.” Oz quietly begged.

“Just say something stupid to cheer her up.” Kyu replied. “It doesn’t matter what. The stupider the better.”

Oz gulped. Saying stupid things was more Vicky’s deal, but they supposed they were willing to give it a try. They walked up to the sad-looking ghost, who looked up and tilted her head curiously at the shadow.

 _Crap._ Oz needed to think of something stupid to say. Come on, shadow man! Think! They looked out the window and saw a couple of robins hanging out in the tree, and was then struck by inspiration.

“Hey.” they said as they pointed to the birds. “Fuck those birds, am I right?”

“… _Wow._ ”

Oz looked over to a nearby table and saw a harpy, book in her wings, giving Oz a disgusted look. “ _Really_?”

“Oh! No no no, I was talking about-“ Too late. The harpy slammed the book shut, stood up from her table and stormed off before Oz could explain.

“Yeah, not cool, boo.” Polly said as she too stormed off. “Not cool.”

Oz paused. Then turned to Kyu. “…She called me Boo!” they shouted as they gave Kyu two thumbs up.

Kyu groaned and facepalmed.

*****

Astronomy was hands-down the toughest class in Spooky High, due in large part to having the toughest teacher. Most teachers at this school had difficulty controlling their classes, on account of those classes being made up of literal monsters. Not this one though - she knew how uncontrollable and straight-up violent the student body could get, and wasn’t afraid of getting violent herself if that’s what it took to keep her students in line.

Of course, that shouldn’t be much of a surprise. After all, Ms. Luvendass was only a part-time teacher. On her off-hours, she was the best and most ruthless bounty hunter in the quadrant.

“Alright, class.” said the blue-skinned, white-haired alien with a white teacher’s uniform and a pair of goat-like horns on her head. “Today, we’ll be examining the planet you earthlings call ’Saturn,’ the second-largest planet in your star system.”

Amira glanced at the other side of the classroom and saw Scott sitting there, trying his hardest to ignore the squirrel sitting in a tree out the window. She smirked as she started writing her note. Scott liked flirtation, and note-passing was a big flirtation move. It was a risk, doing it during Ms. Luvendass’s class, but Amira had never been the type to shy from danger.

_Who’s a good boy? - Amira_

It was a simple question, but one that worked great on Scott. She passed the note down to Vicky, who passed it to Brian, who passed it to Oz, who then passed it Scott. Amira’s friends all agreed to arrange themselves into a chain of communication between Amira and Scott.

Scott saw the note, wagged his tail, wrote something down, then passed it back up the chain.

_Is it me? - Scott_

Amira smirked.

_Yes it is!_

_:D_

Only Scott would write down an emoji by hand. God, he was so cute she just wanted to throw a leash on him and take him home, call him a good boy and just fuck his brains out. She looked up - Ms. Luvendass was too engrossed in her lecture on Saturn to give the Loser Squad in the back much attention. The djinn smiled. She wrote down her note.

_Plans for the weekend?_

She passed the note back up the chain. A minute later, it came back.

_Going to go out with all my friends :D_

_Do you think Polly will be there?_

_Could me and Liam come?_

_We should totally come! Please take us with you!_

Those other three comments were from her friends. Amira’s grin grew wider. Of course! A group date! They could totally play each other’s wingman / wing woman / wing-genderless blob!

_Can my friends come? They wanna come too :P_

Back down the chain, and back up again…

_Sure!_

Amira fist-pumped. Yes! Group date! Separate, they were losers. But working together, the only thing they’ll be losing is their virginities!

“Ms. Rashid.”

Amira jumped as she suddenly noticed Ms. Luvendass looming over her desk. “Perhaps you can tell the class what Saturn’s two largest moons are?”

“Uh…” the djinn stuttered. Bad enough astronomy was her hardest subject - it was even harder with a pair of big, blue, perfectly round alien boobs right there in her face. Why did the toughest teacher in Spooky High also have to be the hottest?

“Incorrect.” the alien teacher replied.

“But I didn’t even answer!” Amira raged as her fire started to flare up.

“You took too long to answer.” the alien stated matter-of-factly before moving on. “Mr. LaVey, can you name Saturn’s two largest moons?”

“Yeah. Your tits.” Damien answered, unable to resist.

_VOIP!!!_

With a sound effect right out of Star Wars, a laser blast knocked the demon boy out of his chair and onto the floor, a large hole singed into his shirt. “You okay bro?” Scott asked.

“Worth it…” Damien wheezed in pain as the chest wound sizzled and smoked like freshly-grilled steak.

“The answer I was looking for was ‘Titan and Rhea.’” Ms. Luvendass said. She blew the smoke from her laser gun before putting it back into her cleavage where she pulled it from from. “Moving on, who can name the third largest moon?”

*****

“So, a movie huh?” Kyu asked.

“Yup. ‘Cheetah Chariots.’ It’s like Ben-Her, but with more furries.” Brian answered.

“Nice.” Kyu said with a nod of approval. As she floated alongside her undead apprentice player in the Spooky Mall, Brian noticed Liam waiting just outside the entrance to the theater. The vampire waved the zombie over. Brian increased his pace from staggering to limping, eager to unite with his prom date-to-be.

“Hey Liam.” Brian said. “Cool shirt.” he complemented his plaid, lumberjack shirt.

“Thanks - I like it because it’s retro. Very 2006, you know? Good year for independent cinema.” Liam replied. The love fairy smiled as she watched the two boys from a distance.

If Kyu was being entirely honest, Brian was her favorite. He never threw pianos at people, or set things on fire, or made himself look like a racist. He was just a chill guy who wanted to go to prom with another chill guy. His only real flaw was his smell, but once she introduced him to deodorant, even that wasn’t so bad.

“So Brian, we’re actually going to meet one of my friends here.” Liam said. “She wanted to see this movie too, so she’ll be joining us. Is that okay with you?”

Brian shrugged. “Sure.”

“Excellent. She should be here any minute now…” Liam said as he started looking around the mall.

“Uh-oh…” Kyu said as she floated up to Brian’s side once Liam looked away. “He’s calling in a third wheel.”

“Is that bad?” Brian asked.

“Possibly. It could mean one of two things.” Kyu explained. “Either A: He doesn’t really consider this a date. He thinks this is just a casual hangout with a friend, so he’s calling in another friend to join in the casual hangout. Basically, he’s about to friend zone you, assuming he hasn’t already. Option B: He DOES see you as more than a friend, so he’s calling in one of HIS friends to check you out. Yanno, double-check you’re not an asshole.”

“So, what do I do?” Brian asked.

“Therein lies the dilemma.” Kyu said. “If it’s Option A, it means you need to step up your game. Start showing a little more romance. But if it’s Option B, getting too aggressive with the romance could put the friend off, earning their disapproval, and you’re out a potential prom date. This is a VERY delicate situation, because at this point, there’s no way to tell what Liam’s intentions are.”

“Can’t I just ask Liam what his intentions are?”

“What? No! That’d be weird!” Kyu scolded. “Quit being weird, Brian!” she sighed. “Okay - we’ll play this by ear. Just treat this as a regular date for a bit, then once we get a good feel for the situation, we can adjust your approach accordingly.”

“Can’t I just watch a movie with a cute guy without having to worry about anything?” Brian asked.

“NO!!!” Kyu shrieked. “THIS IS WHY YOU’RE STILL SINGLE, BRIAN!!!”

“Here she comes.” Liam said as he waved the girl over. “Zoey! Over here!”

“Liam! So good to see you!” said a black girl with blue hair as she-

Wait. Black girl with blue hair?

Wearing a blue corset over a yellow top with a purple skirt and blue elbow-length gloves?

With _yellow goggles on her head?_

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me…” Kyu muttered as a very familiar, not-at-all-monstrous-on-account-of-literally-being-a-human young woman approached the two monster boys.

“Ah, and this must be Brian.” Denise “Zoey” Greene said as she walked up to the zombie. “Liam told me about your meta-acting. Very impressive!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoey?! What's SHE doing here?! Guess we'll find out in the next chapter!
> 
> Things are about to get interesting...


	5. A Good Witch, or a Bad Witch?

Kyu’s brain was having trouble processing what she was seeing. Zoey? Here? In Monstropolis? Where humans are forbidden and often killed on sight?! How is she not dead?! How did she even get to this realm in the first place?! _Why is she third-wheeling one of her clients?!?!_ Thinking quickly, she devised a plan to get answers AND improve Brian’s odds of date success in one fell swoop.

“Be right back - when I come back, just play along.” she whispered in the zombie’s ear.

“What?” Brian asked, but Kyu poofed into a cloud of invisible fairy dust before she could elaborate. A moment later, she reappeared, but emerging from a store rather than appearing out of nowhere. She approached the three students.

“Why hello there, students!” she greeted the trio, implying she was no longer invisible to everyone but Brian. “What a coincidence seeing all of you here!”

“Uh, yeah.” Brian replied. “Coincidence.”

“Oh! Zoey, I actually need to talk to you for a few minutes. It’s about your grade.” Kyu said.

“But I’m not even in your-“

“I said, _I need to talk to you for a few minutes._ ” Kyu growled as she wrapped an arm around Zoey’s shoulders and lead her away from the two of them. She tossed Brian a wink over her shoulder before disappearing into a hipster clothing store. Brian nodded, immediately picking up what Kyu was putting down.

“…So, should we head in without her?” Brian asked.

“I don’t know…” Liam said.

“Come on - she won’t be long. She’ll only miss some previews, we’ll save her a seat and a bucket of popcorn.” Brian offered.

Liam sighed. “Very well - but you should pay for it.”

“Fair enough.” Brian replied, cracking a smile for the first time that evening. Looks like he’d be getting some ‘alone time’ with Liam after all.

*****

“What are you doing here?!” Kyu demanded as soon as she and Zoey were alone in a changing room.

“…Well, I WAS about to go see a movie with my friends before you dragged me away.” Zoey replied indignantly.

“No!” Kyu snapped. “You do NOT get to take that tone with me! Not today! Not here! Don’t you get it?! You’re off the map! HERE THERE BE MONSTERS!”

“Well, obviously.” Zoey replied. “I’m friends with a vampire.”

Kyu growled, then breathed in an attempt to calm herself. No matter justified it was, anger wouldn’t help her here. “Okay….let’s…..let’s just start from the beginning. How did you even GET here?”

“The bus?” Zoey asked.

“Monstropolis!” Kyu snapped. “How did you even GET into Monstropolis?! Humans are forbidden here!”

“Well, luckily for me, I’m not human.” Zoey replied.

“…Oh God…” Kyu groaned as she double-facepalmed.

“You see Kyu….I’m actually a witch.” Zoey proudly replied.

“…Right. You’re a witch now.” Kyu said.

“Several months ago, I was practicing spells from my spell book. I accidentally opened a portal to Monstropolis. At first, it was quite frightening. But once I started taking spell lessons at Spooky High, I began to gain a better understanding of my powers and lo and behold - here I am.” Zoey explained. “So what are YOU doing here? The REAL reason, I mean. Not the one you gave the normies back at Huniepop.”

“I got stuck with a teaching job - I wasn’t lying about that.” Kyu said. “I just didn’t mention the fact that it was in a high school full of monster people.”

“How’d that happen?” Zoey asked.

“Long story…” Kyu replied. “Let’s just say it involved a duck, a hose, and a road trip to Italy gone wrong. Look, just…I’m trying to help Brian hook up with Liam, so just try not to be too much of a third wheel, okay?”

Zoey gasped. “That’s right! You’re a love fairy! You help people fall in love!”

“Right!” Kyu replied. “And Brian has a crush on Liam.” she paused. “A big GAY crush!” she added, remembering who it was she was talking to. “So I’m trying to help Brian win Liam over. So don’t do anything to fuck that up, okay?”

“Ruin a budding same-sex romance? I wouldn’t dream of it!” Zoey replied.

“Good.” Kyu sighed in relief. “Alright, you’re free to go.”

…….

After the movie, Brian, Liam and Zoey headed down to Raptor Burger for a bite to eat. Well, Brian and Zoey did, anyway. Liam just tried to artfully arrange his burger and fries to make it look as disgusting as possible - really show off the grease in a subtle critique of Modern Consumerism.

“So…that was a cool movie.” Brian said as he slurped his soda.

“Ugh, I should think not.” Zoey said. “Once again, the more competent female lead is rendered a damsel in distress for the dorky male hero to rescue.”

“I know.” Liam grumbled. “The 1990’s called, they want their clichés back.”

“Oh.” Brian replied. “Okay.” Apparently, he was in the minority opinion there.

“Speaking of clichés, have you seen the posters around school for Monster Prom?” Zoey asked.

“I have. I was thinking about going, actually.” Liam admitted. “Ironically, of course.”

“Oh Liam, honey, please don’t. Proms aren’t just cliché, they’re _problematic!_ ” Zoey said.

“Oh?” Liam asked, his interest piqued.

“It’s yet another institution devised by the patriarchy to force heteronormative values on young people.” Zoey explained. “Granted, it’s become _slightly_ less problematic since the rise of same-sex proms, but they’re still participating in an institution that enforces gender roles.”

“Ugh!” Liam sneered in disgust. “And to think I was thinking of going! Even ironically! Thank you, Zoey. I can always count on you to open my eyes whenever they are closed.”

“It’s what I do.” Zoey said with a wink.

“…So, you’re NOT going to prom?” Brian asked the vampire.

“Um, _no?_ ” Liam replied, as though the answer would be obvious. “Weren’t you listening to anything Zoey said?”

Not really. The witch was talking kind of fast, making it hard for the zombie to keep up. “…Okay.” was all Brian could say. He started eating his meal slower than usual. He supposed Prom Night wasn’t going to happen for him after all. He was actually starting to look forward to it, too…

Meanwhile, from the bushes, Kyu was observing the scene through her hot-pink binoculars, grinding her teeth at how Zoey just torpedoed Brian’s prom date.

*****

“Wait, so Liam isn’t even going to Prom?” Oz asked the very next day. “Like, at all?”

“Apparently.” Brian answered with a sigh. “Says it’s too mainstream and problematic.”

“Well, maybe he wouldn’t feel that way if a certain social justice witch wasn’t whispering sweet nothings in his ear…” Kyu growled as she leaned against the big oak tree. That’s where they are, by the way - sitting under the big oak tree out back. It was kind of their base of operations at that point.

“Well, I’ve got good news!” Amira said. “Scott’s going out this weekend with all his friends - including Liam, Vera and Polly - and he invited all of us to come with!”

“Oh shit, really?” Kyu asked. “That’s awesome! A night out is just what we need to turn this whole thing around!”

“Turn it around?” Vicky asked. “You mean, we’re not doing that great?”

“Afraid so.” Kyu replied. “We’re not even into week two, and you guys are already crashing and burning. Vicky, your crush smashed a guitar over your head. Brian, your crush has a social justice imp on his shoulder. And Oz, your crush thinks you’re a racist.”

“Is that why that flock of harpies over there has been giving Oz the stink-eye?” Brian said as he looked at a nearby picnic table where harpies were eating their bird seed as they leered at the shadow.

“Really, the only one who hasn’t fucked up so far is Amira, and that’s only because her crush is THAT GUY.” Kyu said as she pointed to Scott, who was standing outside the bathrooms, staring at a double rainbow graffiti’d on the wall, trying hard to decipher its meaning.

“Hmm….What DOES it mean?” he asked aloud, for it was truly the greatest philosophical question of this generation.

“But none of that matters now, because an epic Saturday night on the town are where legends TRULY begin!” Kyu went on. “Everything up until now has just been a warm up. We’re heading into the big leagues kids!”

“Alright!”

“Here we go!”

“Yay!”

“Uh, sure.”

“Alright, settle down, don’t get too excited.” Kyu said. “We’ve got a LOT of preparations to make. Amira, when and where is this party, exactly?”

“Monsterland, Saturday at 6pm sharp!” Amira said.

“Perfect! That gives us plenty of time to gear up.” Kyu said.

“Gear up?” Oz asked.

“Yes, you fucking parrots.” Kyu sneered, getting really tired of her students interrupting her by repeating what she just said. “We can’t do a party right without the proper equipment.”

“…I think I know someone who can help.” Brian said.

*****

“Yo wassup, color crew.” Valerie the purple cat girl said as the loser quartet walked up to the makeshift shop she set up inside the co-ed bathroom. “You here to buy my shit?”

“Sure are.” Brian said. “For starters, I need something that’ll make me more romantic.”

“Got just the thing.” Valerie said as she handed Brian a Latin 101 audiobook. “Whisper this into that special someone’s ear, they gonna get _hah-nay._ ”

“ _Hah-nay?_ ” Brian asked.

“Horny.” Valerie translated.

“Ah.”

“I need more flirtation!” Amira cut in.

“Flirtation….let’s see…..” the purple-furred cat girl said as she rifled through the big box of junk. “Ah, this should do the trick!” she said as she handed Amira a pair of gag shades.

“Got anything to up my talent stat?” Vicky asked.

“Talent….hm…..well, I dunno about talent, but I got somethin’ to up your creativity stat.” she said as she presented the flesh golem with a motivational poster featuring Bob Ross.

“Close enough!” Vicky cheered.

“Uh….I need…..something……sexual…..” Oz stated.

“Hmmm…..sexual, huh?” she muttered as she checked the box of random junk. She smirked as she looked back up to the shadow. “You sure about this? Once you go down this road, there’s no goin’ back…”

Oz took a deep breath. “I’m ready.” he said, like someone ready to face death. Valerie nodded, as if in approval, before handing the item to Oz.

“…A penguin mask?” they asked. “How’s this supposed to make me more sexual?”

“When the time comes…you’ll know.” Valerie cryptically said. “…Anyway, altogether, the total comes to 25 monster dollars. The ‘Val’s new smart phone’ fund appreciates your patronage.”

*****

Back in Kyu’s apartment, the fairy looked over the gathered dorks and their new equipment. A bespectacled Amira, a Latin-speaking Brian, a somehow-more-creative Vicky and Oz with a….penguin mask. “…You guys realize that cat girl _probably_ ripped you off, right?”

“We know.” Brian said.

“We were buying hope…” Oz added.

Kyu sighed. “What am I gonna do with you guys…Okay, grab your shit, we’re all going to the mall and getting you guys some REAL dating gear…”

*****

Monsterland was the town’s local family fun center. It had something for everyone - a roller rink, a mini-golf course, a bowling alley, an arcade, a go-cart track, and even an open bar for adults. So naturally, it was a popular hang-out for High School students on the weekends because of all those things, especially the open bar.

Oz, Amira, Brian and Vicky all arrived in the parking lot outside the fun center, Kyu hovering above them like some kind of fairy of love. “Hold up.” the fairy said as she fluttered down in front of them to give them one last inspection.

Brian was still wearing a large, fur-lined coat. But instead of the stinky one with holes in it that he always wore, this coat was brand new and nearly identical to his old one. Brian actually had decent fashion sense when he bothered to change clothes once in a while.

Amira also had pretty good fashion sense. Her tube dress / red jacket combo was nice, but Kyu decided she needed to take it to the next level. The djinn still wore her red jacket, but she traded in the black bodycon dress for a black tank top and a pair of daisy dukes. Show off just a _little_ more skin, see if she can’t get that wolf boy drooling.

Oz and Vicky were by far the trickiest fashion challenges. Cardigan sweaters were the ultimate pussy repellents, so those needed to go ASAP. BUT, their new outfits couldn’t be _too_ cool. If they went from dorky losers to stylin’ cool kids too fast, it would arouse suspicion from their classmates. So, they both wore band t-shirts and blue jeans - Oz was wearing an MC Gryphon shirt, while Vicky was wearing an Imagine a Fucking Dragon shirt. Still kinda dorky, but a believable step up from cardigans.

Kyu straightened their shirts, rubbing smudges off their cheeks, generally acting like a fussy mother about to send her children to their first day of school. “Can you please stop?” Brian asked. “You’re gonna tear at my cheek flesh.”

“Sorry.” Kyu replied as she backed off. “But we are at a CRUCIAL point in the game! This is the night that can make or break us. Everything has to be PERFECT!”

“…Kyu, we’re playing mini-golf with our class mates.” Brian said.

“ _Precisely._ ” Kyu replied. “Places like this is where the _real_ magic happens! Haven’t you guys ever seen _The Karate Kid?_ ”

“Oh! I LOVED Jaden Smith in that movie!” Vicky replied.

Kyu pimp slapped the flesh golem for daring to speak such slander.

“…Jackie Chan was really good in that movie.” Oz said.

“…Alright, I’ll give you that one.” Kyu conceded. “Now then! One last thing before you all head inside…” The fairy snapped her fingers and a tray appeared in her hands with a puff of fairy dust. On the tray were four bottles - two perfumes, two colognes. “These special perfumes and colognes are enchanted to enhance the desired traits of your crush. Oz, the cinnamon cologne is for you. Amira, you get green tea. Brian, you take peach, and Vicky, you take the sea breeze.”

“Awesome!” Vicky said as she took the sea breeze perfume and started spritzing herself with it.

“Hey - how come Amira gets the green bottle?” Brian asked.

“Because Scott wants flirtation, Brian.” Amira explained.

“…But green’s my favorite color.”

“Well red is mine, and you don’t see ME succumbing to the urge to repeatedly punch Oz in the crotch for using the red bottle that should obviously be MINE.” Amira growled at Oz.

“Huh?” Oz said as he spritzed himself.

“Alright gang!” Kyu said with a clap of her hands to stop the bickering before it started. This was why she normally only works with one client at a time. “You’re now armed and armored for the second greatest night of your lives! As for the FIRST greatest night, well…” she winked. “That’s only two more weeks away now. So get in there and make it happen!”

Kyu stepped to the side and allowed the four excited young monsters to run past to go confront their crushes, and their fates. Kyu watched them go and smiled. “They’ll be fine.” she said to herself. “I mean, it’s really just one night at a family fun center. What could go wrong?”

She took a moment to think about what could, in fact, go wrong.

“…I should keep an eye on them.” she said as she went into stealth fairy mode and followed her students inside.


	6. Monsterland (Part 1)

“Hi Amira!” Scott said as he noticed the djinn and her friends run up to meet him and their friends in the outdoor eating area in the back of Monsterland. He hugged Amira tight and lifted her up, twirling her around, making the djinn squeal in glee.

“Good boy!” she gushed as she started scratching behind his ears, making the werewolf’s tail wag and pant happily. “Anyway, Scott, these are my friends - Oz, Brian and Vicky.” she pointed to the shadow, the zombie and the flesh golem.

“Nice to meet you all!” Scott said. “These are MY friends - Miranda, Damien, Liam, Polly and Vera!” The color crew already knew who those people were - they each had erotic dreams about at least one of them at one point or another.

“Hey, I know you!” Polly said as she floated up to Oz. “You’re my pixie dust dealer!”

“Um….sure!” Oz replied.

“Brian and I already know one another.” Liam said aloud.

“And Vicky would be my bullet sponge.” Vera said.

“Woah!” Scott said. “You mean, my new friend’s friends are already friends with all of my friends?!”

“Evidently.” Liam said.

“Awesome! That means we can all be friends together!” Scott said.

“This calls for a PARTAAAAY!” Polly gushed. “We should all go to Monsterland!”

“We’re already in Monsterland.” Liam pointed out.

“Oh shit! That was quick!” Polly said. “Brace yourselves everyone! The partaaay is here!”

“Hold up.” Damien said. “Before we let these guys hang with us we gotta make sure they’re cool.”

“Excellent point, Damien.” Vera added. “We don’t want to delude these poor fools into thinking they’re our equals.”

“Hey! We are SO your equals!” Amira raged as he flame soared higher.

“Prove it.” Vera dared.

Amira then threw a fireball at the nearest random bystander. As the teenager was inflamed, he screamed as he ran around like a chicken with his cut off until finally jumping in the mini-golf course’s pond. He emerged, his flesh charred black, screaming in horror as he felt the disfigurements on his face, which will no doubt be with him for the rest of his life.

“…Fuckin’ metal!” Damien cheered. “These guys are cool in my book!”

“…Not QUITE the kind of test I had in mind, but admittedly impressive.” Vera said. “Very well. We’ll indulge them for tonight.”

“Hooray!” Vicky cheered.

“…Did you ACTUALLY just say ‘hooray?’” Vera asked.

“Unironically, no less?” Liam added.

“…Um…no?” Vicky replied.

*****

The gang of ten monsters all split up into pairs and trios to each enjoy their own favorite activities here at Monsterland, with plans to meet up at the lunch area for pizza in about an hour. Polly wanted to hit up the arcade and, of course, Oz volunteered to go with. Which was excellent for Polly, because she planned on bringing Oz with her and making them do all the work anyway.

Oz’s years of ski ball practice had finally paid off as the ski ball machine vomited rows and rows of prize tickets, making Polly so joyous that she licked Oz’s cheek several times, saying that they tasted like cinnamon toast (thank you Cinnamon Cologne).

“And here you are.” the centaur prize attendant said as she handed Oz a giant stuffed nuckelavee. They handed it to Polly, who squealed joyously as the two headed out. But as soon as they left the prize corner, she sighed.

“Even this stuffed toy can’t make me fulfilled.” the ghost despaired. “Here.” she said, handing the stuffed animal to a random child, who screamed in terror and ran away, terrified of the nuckelavee’s hideous visage.

“What’s wrong?” Oz asked.

“It’s just…” Polly said. She sighed. “As a ghost, I died with unfinished business. And I can’t move on until I complete that business.”

“What keeps you from moving on?” Oz asked.

“There was this one thing I always wanted to do in life.” Polly said. “But I died before I ever had the chance.”

“What was it?” Oz pressed.

“…I never did a Reverse Romanian Wilkinson.” Polly said. “One of the all-time GREATEST sexual positions.”

“Really…?” they asked. Then a thought occurred to them. “You know…I’ve done a Reverse Romanian Wilkinson.”

Polly gasped. “No way!”

“Way.” Oz coolly said. The enchanted cologne was doing its work alright. The scent of cinnamon was turning the shadow into a genderless sex god.

“But the Reverse Romanian Wilkinson is such an advanced position!” Polly said. “You need a bunch of supplies just to attempt it! Literally no one at the school has ever done it!”

“No one except me.” Oz said.

Polly chewed on her bottom lip. “…Maybe…you can show it to me?” She batted her eyelashes and folded her arms under her breasts, making the large mounds of ectoplasm all the more enticing.

“Gladly.” Oz replied.

“YAAAAASSS!” Polly cheered. “You know what you need to do one, right?”

“Of course I do.” Oz said.

“Awesome! We can do it tomorrow once you’ve got everything! Thanks a lot!” she kissed the shadow on the cheek before floating off, skipping on air if such a thing is possible.

Oz rubbed their cheek. They couldn’t believe it. It was finally going to happen. They were finally going to have sex with Polly!

All they have to do is figure out what a Reverse Romanian Wilkinson is, and it’s goodbye virginity!

“…Uh-oh.” Oz said, realizing they might’ve bitten off more than they can chew.

*****

“Woooo!” Amira cheered as she raced down the track in the go-cart. Scott let out a howl of similar excitement. Racing down the track with the man of her wet dreams by her side? This was a dream come true for the djinn. Nothing could ruin it now.

And that’s when another go cart rammed into them. “The fuck?!” Amira demanded

“Ha! Noob!” Damien said as he flipped the djinn the bird and rammed into her go-cart again. Miranda was riding with the demon, and was cheering him on.

“Again, my demonic champion! Again!” Miranda compelled. Damien obliged and rammed into Amira’s go-cart. The djinn growled at him. She wasn’t about to let this big red anus rain on her parade! She rammed the demon right back.

“What?!” Damien snapped, as though the very idea someone would fight back offended him. Amira’s flame grew in intensity and she grinned like a maniac as she rammed against the other go-cart, bumping it into the track wall.

“We have not yet begun to fight!” Miranda declared as she stood up and threw a _motherfucking trident_ at Amira’s go-cart.

A trident that was caught by Scott, who caught it with his mouth, wagging his tail as he did so. “Good boy!” Amira praised before ramming Damien’s go-cart into the wall again for good measure and overtaking him, winning the race.

As the go-carts powered down, Damien shot Amira a hateful glare as she and Scott skipped over to the next attraction. “THIS ISN’T OVER!!!” he shouted at the djinn.

“…Well, that was fun!” Miranda decreed. “Shall we go play mini-golf, Damien?”

“…Yeah, okay.” Damien said. Vengeance can wait. He needed to play mini-golf to calm his nerves.

*****

“Aw, what’s wrong Liam?” Vera taunted from the sidelines. “Nervous?”

“I’m _fine_ , thank you very much.” Liam replied as he lined up his shot carefully on the windmill hole. Vera and Liam were competing against each other in a mini-golf tournament while Vicky and Brian acted as their respective caddies. The vampire made the put, and the ball bounced off of the windmill arm, eliciting a laugh from Vera, as well as Vicky, hoping laughing at the same thing will help her odds.

Liam growled in frustration. “You’re too tense.” Brian said. “You need to ease up.” He stepped behind the vampire boy and gently grabbed his arms as he held the club in his hands. “Like this…” he muttered into Liam’s ear, earning a blush from the vampire. Brian couldn’t help but smirk - the peach cologne worked like a charm. He was romantic AF now.

Brian snuck a sniff of Liam’s hair - it smelled like lavender, making the zombie blush ever so slightly. Liam didn’t object as the zombie’s gentle grip steadied his focus, allowing him to make the perfect put through the windmill into the hole. Liam fist pumped as Brian broke away to applaud him. Vera huffed before she applauded as well. The zombie was feeling on top of his game.

“Hey guys!”

…Oh no.

Brian saw Zoey appear from the crowd, approaching Liam on the golf course. “Hey guys! Sorry I’m late!”

“Hello, Zoey.” Vera said.

“Hello Vera, you fierce, independent woman you!” Zoey said with a smile. Vera smiled, always happy to be rightfully worshipped. Brian didn’t, though. Last time he saw Zoey, she basically strangled the zombie’s prom dreams right in front of him. Brian wasn’t really the kind of guy to hold a grudge but…

“Liam! Brian! So good to see you two again!” Zoey said as she shook the hands of the two undead creatures. She tossed Brian a subtle wink before complementing Liam on his new suspenders. Brian raised an eyebrow at the witch’s wink. What was that about?

*****

Kyu had been silently observing her proteges from afar, totally invisible to all of them. She wanted to avoid direct intervention tonight, if she could help it - you gotta take off the training wheels sometime, after all. Oz and Amira seemed to be doing well enough without her help so far, having taken their crushes gaming and go-carting, respectively, where Scott and Polly seemed to be having the time of their lives.

So now she was observing Brian and Vicky, who were mini-golfing with Liam and Vera. She cursed as Zoey showed up to once again third-wheel Brian, but the zombie was playing it cool. If the ‘witch’s’ presence bothered him, he didn’t show it and just carried on subtly romancing Liam with that ace ‘stand behind them to help keep their arms straight’ move. Kyu smiled in approval. Her proteges had come far since they first started.

Well, three of them did. Vicky hadn’t made much progress with Vera. As the group of four players and one observer made their way through the course, Vicky studiously carried all of the Gorgon’s clubs like a good little caddy, alternating between polishing her balls and polishing her high-heeled shoes as they progressed.

Kyu scowled at Vicky’s behavior. Had she not been listening to Kyu’s advice _at all?_ Ass-kissing was no way to win over a mega-bitch. At best, that gets you a pity hand job in the parking lot. Vicky may need some coaching once this course is done.

Which was sooner than the fairy thought, as they putted their eighteenth hole. Liam won, cheering as he leapt into Brian’s arms for a celebratory hug, Zoey cheering them on (it seemed like they were her new OTP), while Vera was so mad that she broke one of her golf clubs on Vicky’s head. The flesh golem took the slapstick comedy in stride. As they all walked over to the dining area for pizza, Kyu saw her chance. As the flesh golem went to go to the little girl’s room, the fairy called her over around the corner, out of sight of the other monsters.

“Hey Kyu!” Vicky greeted. “This night’s been going AWESOME so far!”

“For your friends, maybe. For you? Not so much.” Kyu replied. The flesh golem seemed confused for a moment. “Vicky, don’t you remember the advice I gave you on our first day? You can’t let Vera’s bullshit phase you!”

“But I don’t!” Vicky pointed out. “Whenever Vera uses me as a meat shield during attempted mob hits, I’m not phased at all! I don’t even flinch!”

“That’s…not what I meant.” Kyu replied. Mob hits? Questions for later, the love fairy decided. “What I meant is that you have to show Vera that you’re the one in charge!”

“But…I’m not.” Vicky replied. “Don’t you get it, Kyu? This is _Vera Oberlin_ we’re talking about! Taking charge over her is taking charge over a raging volcano or a tumultuous ocean. I’m helpless before her, and that is why I just want her to step on me!”

Kyu scowled. The love fairy decided it was time to show this poor, love-sick girl some tough love.

So she pimp-slapped her again. “Damn it woman! THIS is why Vera sees you as nothing more than a toadie who carries around her golf clubs! Well, lemme tell you something - she may be a tumultuous ocean, but that doesn’t stop the rugged sailor from crossing an angry Atlantic! The sailor may be in awe of the ocean’s power and beauty, but he does not _grovel_ before it! Instead, he laughs as he sails headlong into the storm and cries out ‘Gimme your worst you mega-bitch! I can take it!’ Don’t submit to her power, Vicky. Challenge it! Overcome it! Sail through that storm and through to the other side, for on that western shore lies HOT GORGON PUSSY!”

“I WANT HOT GORGON PUSSY!” Vicky shouted.

“Damn straight! Now go get it!” Kyu shouted back. Vicky roared as she went back to the table where the others were sitting.

“VERA!” Vicky shouted at the gorgon. “I’M GOING TO TAKE YOU OUT TO A NICE DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT!”

“No you’re not.” Vera said.

“WELL I’M GOING TO TAKE YOU ON THE ROLLER RINK DURING A LOVE SONG!”

“No, you’re going to sit here, eat pizza with the rest of us, and stop shouting like an idiot.”

“FINE, BUT WE’RE SHARING A MONSTER-SIZE MILKSHAKE!”

“Whatever.”

Vicky raised both her fists in victory.

*****

After a big pizza dinner, the group of now eleven with the addition of Zoey split up again, most now heading to the bowling alley. Oz was grateful, because it game them a chance to get away from Polly for a moment. They started looking around the crowd for Kyu. They heard Vicky talking to herself around the corner earlier, so Kyu must be somewhere around here, invisible. They needed the fairy’s help now more than ever.

“Come on, Kyu. Where are you?!” Oz asked. “I need you!”

“You rang?”

“Gah!” Oz shouted as they jumped, the love fairy standing behind them. “Kyu! Where’ve you been?!”

“At the bar.” the love fairy said as she sipped a drink out of a tall glass. “I gotta say - I wasn’t expecting much out of a place like this, but that bartender makes a surprisingly good mojito. Anyway, whaddaya need, champ?” she asked as she took a sip.

“Well…have you ever heard of a Reverse Romanian Wilkinson?” Oz asked.

Kyu spat out the drink in her mouth. “A Reverse Romanian Wilkinson?!” the flabbergasted fairy demanded. “How do you even KNOW about that?!”

“Well….Polly said she always wanted to try it….” Oz replied. “And…well…..I might’ve told her that…..I…..knew how to do it.”

“Fuck, Oz! What were you thinking?!” Kyu said. “Okay, that’s it - Polly is officially off the table.”

“What?!” Oz asked. “No!”

“Disengage from Polly.” Kyu sternly told the shadow. “Save her the trouble of rejecting you, and just focus on someone else. Maybe a back-up crush?”

“I can do this!” Oz insisted. “I just need to figure out what a Reverse Romanian Wilkinson is and-“

“A Reverse Romanian Wilkinson is one of the most advanced sexual positions known to man and monster!” Kyu explained. “It’s something that would take a hapless virgin like you YEARS to master, and need I remind you, time is not on our side.”

She snapped her fingers to show them the official Prom Clock, a large clock that was, of course, hot pink, ticking down the time until prom by hours and minutes. It showed 336 hours and 31 minutes until Monster Prom. “I’m sorry Oz, but Polly is simply out of your league.”

“Pleeeeaaaaase!” Oz begged. “Look at me, Kyu. I’m on my knees. Begging.” they were indeed on their knees.

Kyu sighed. A high school student begging before her, and not even in the way she normally likes. “Okay, you REALLY wanna give this a shot? Don’t say I didn’t warn you. To pull off a Reverse Romanian Wilkinson, you’re gonna need a bowl of guacamole, a penguin mask, and a bag of marbles.”

“Wait - a penguin mask?” Oz said as he took out his HunieBee to check his inventory. “I have a penguin mask already!”

“Wait, really?” Kyu asked. “Where’d you even get that?”

“Valerie’s bathroom shop.” Oz said.

“Huh. So that scene WASN’T a total waste of time.” Kyu said. “Thank you, Chekhov. Okay, I’mma go see if I can’t hook you up with some marbles and guacamole. You stay here and just try not to blow it with Polly, alright?”

“I won’t!” Oz said, more determined than ever.

*****

“Motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker TITS!” Damien cursed as he tossed the tiny mallet. Normally he loved whack-a-mole, because it involved beating things with a hammer. He was the undisputed king of mole slaughter.

But that was before Amira came along.

He looked at the other whack-a-mole machine where Amira was doing work, her flame blazing as she beat down every mole that dared show its plastic face. The machine eventually vomited forth a stream of tickets, earning a mad cackle from the djinn.

“C’mon, boy.” she said as she grabbed Scott by the collar. “Mama’s gonna get you a new squeaky toy.”

“Oh boy! I love my mama friend! She’s like my regular mama, except she makes me feel weird in my pants!” Scott replied. Amira only grinned perversely as she lead the werewolf to the prize booth…

But not before tossing the demon a wink. “Maybe call it a night, demon boy!” the djinn taunted before walking around the corner, out of sight.

Damien fumed as he looked down at his own pitiful strand of tickets. What was going on tonight? First the go-carts, now this? How was this….this _noob_ getting the better of him?

For that matter, why the _fuck_ did she smell like green tea? Damien HATED green tea! Piece of shit tea, thinks it’s so much better than all the other teas, FUCK GREEN TEA!

He roared in fury as he smashed the whack-a-mole apart with his fists as he continued ranting about green tea.

“Hello, Damien.” Vera said as she casually walked over. “Ranting about green tea again I see.”

“Damien doesn’t like green tea?” Vicky asked.

“He doesn’t.” Vera confirmed. “Personally, I don’t really care for it either - I prefer stronger stuff. Like rattlesnake venom.”

“I’M GONNA FUCKING MURDER THAT FIERY CUNT!!!” Damien raged.

“…Wait, you mean Amira?” Vicky asked. “Why are you mad at her?”

“SHE’S BEEN BEATING ME AT EVERYTHING ALL NIGHT! GO-CARTS! WHACK-A-MOLE, SHE EVEN SET A BUNCH OF GUYS ON FIRE!!!” Damien ranted.

“So did you.” Vera pointed out. “You immolated two people just tonight.”

“Yeah, but she immolated five!” Damien said. “Like, holy shit, there’s arson and then there’s just showing off!”

Damien’s rant was interrupted by a loud squeak. The three monsters turn and saw Scott happily gnawing on a squeaky toy, his tail wagging away. “This is awesome! Thanks, bro!” he said excitedly at Amira.

“Don’t mention it!” Amira said as she playfully smacked the werewolf’s butt.

“…But...But I’M Scott’s bro!” Damien shouted. “She can beat me in games. She can even set more people on fire than me. But when you take away my best friend, that’s when I get pissed!”

“You’re always pissed.” Vera said.

“I MEANT MORE PISSED THAN USUAL!” Damien shouted.

As the demon boy stomped over to the djinn, Vicky panicked. Amira was her friend! She couldn’t let her get murdered by a vengeful demon - not when she was getting somewhere with Scott. Think Vicky, think!

Suddenly, she remembered the Sea Breeze perfume. Vicky ran over to Damien and stood in his way. “Stop Damien! You don’t have to murder Amira!” she said. “There’s another way you can beat her!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Damien demanded. “Murder is the BEST way to beat someone! If I’m alive, and she’s dead, that means I win! At literally everything!”

“But don’t you want her to instead live a long life in the torturous knowledge that you will always be her better?” Vicky asked.

“…Go on.” Damien said.

Vicky reached into pocket and pulled out the bottle of Sea Breeze perfume that Kyu gave her. “This is an enchanted perfume. A few spritzes of this stuff, and your natural talents are enhanced ten fold!”

“…Bullshit.” Damien called.

“Just hold out your wrist.” Vicky said. The demon reluctantly did so and Vicky spritzed his wrist. Suddenly, his scowl became a manic grin.

“Holy fuck, that’s the GOOD shit!” he said as he suddenly felt a surge of talent energy through his body. “Suck it Victoria’s Secret Tease, you bush-league fragrance.”

“Don’t worry about paying me - first hit’s free.” Vicky said as she tucked the bottle into her pocket. “Now go get ‘em, hell tiger!”

“Hey! Amira! How’s about a rematch on the go-cart track?” Damien shouted as he approached the djinn.

“Impressive.” Vera said as she walked up to Vicky. “It’s no small feat to talk Damien down once he starts raging like that. You really took charge of the situation.”

“…Yeah, I did, didn’t I?” Vicky realized. She _did_ take charge! She did, and Vera was totally into it!

“Now, about that perfume…” Vera said. “Where, might I ask, did you get it?”

Vicky was about to answer, but then she remembered Kyu’s advice. As awe-inspiring as Vera’s raw beauty and power were, _submitting_ to it was no way to win her over. She had to challenge it. Overcome it. She realized that before she could earn the gorgon’s affections, she must first earn her _respect._

Vicky sighed. “Really Vera? You disappoint me.”

Vera’s smile faded. “I beg your pardon?” she coldly demanded.

“Do you REALLY think I’m dumb enough to name my supplier just because you asked?” Vicky asked.

“Honestly, yes.” Vera said.

“Well then, you’ve underestimated me. Don’t feel too bad - most people do.” Vicky said. Now that she was gaining confidence, she could feel the sea breeze perfume working its talent-enhancing wonders on her too. Specifically, it was enhancing her talent for bullshitting. “Sorry Vera, but you’re going to have to try a little harder than that if you want to know all my secrets.”

“…Hm. I suppose I will.” Vera said with a smirk. Vicky smirked right back.

*****

Brian tapped his finger on the table as Liam and Zoey continued to their discussion on the problematic history of bowling, namely how it excluded players of color in the 1950’s. The zombie supposed the conversation was relevant, seeing as they were in the bowling alley part of Monsterland, but they’ve been talking about it for fifteen minutes now. Were they, like, gonna actually _bowl_ or what?

Brian supposed it wouldn’t be so bad if he could get a word into the discussion, but Zoey’s mouth worked like an AK-47, spitting out words faster than the zombie could keep up with. Every time Brian tried to say something to contribute to the discussion, Zoey quickly chastised Brian’s misogynistic need to talk over a woman before resuming vomiting out her train of thought.

The worst part though? Liam was just as much into the discussion as Zoey was.

Zombies might be slow, but they’re not stupid. Brian could see what was happening, and he needed to put a stop to it if he was going to get this night back on track.

“Zoey, can I talk to you for a minute?” Brian asked.

The witch smiled sweetly. “Sure thing, Brian. We’ll be right back, Liam.”

“Of course. I’ll be here silently judging people for bowling instead of actually bowling.” Liam replied.

As Brian lead Zoey away from the lanes and into the lockers where people changed into their bowling shoes, he turned to the witch. “Do you have a crush on Liam?” he asked, going right for the throat as flesh-eating zombies often did.

“What?!” Zoey cried. “I most certainly do not! I mean, a man and a woman enjoy one another’s company, so they MUST be attracted to each other? I can’t simply have a platonic relationship with a man? How _heteronormative_ of you, Brian!”

“Okay.” Brian breathed a sigh of relief. “But you know _I’ve_ got a crush on him, right?”

“Oh, of course! And I am ROOTING for you, my precious homosexual zombie child.” Zoey said. It weirded Brian out, how the witch could go from social justice warrior to social justice nanny on a dime like that.

“Well…the thing is you’re kinda being a third wheel right now.” Brian said. “So, could you just….like….go?”

“Go? Go where?” Zoey asked.

“Like, anywhere that isn’t here?” Brian asked. “Leave, basically. I’m asking you to leave.”

“ExCUSE me?” Zoey asked. “Why? Is it because I’m a witch and therefore not _monstrous_ enough? I am most definitely a monster, and I have as much right to be here as you do, you anti-hecatite!”

“I’m not an anti-hecatite.” Brian said. “I just want some alone time with Liam.”

“Is that so?” Zoey asked as she put her hands on her hips.

“Yeah.” Brian said. “See, I’m kind of worried about getting friend zoned, so if you could just-“

“What?!” Zoey shrieked. “Friend zoned?! You can’t use that word! It’s not only a cliche, but a misogynistic one at that!”

“…But Liam and I are both men.” Brian said. “How is it misogynistic if we’re both men?”

“Don’t try to bring _context_ into this!” Zoey hissed. “Sorry Brian, but Liam is my FRIEND. He and I are a package deal! And if you’re willing to destroy our friendship just to date him, then maybe you don’t DESERVE him.”

Brian sighed. “Okay, you don’t have to leave. But can you at least talk a little less? You know, so I could talk to him?”

“I make no promises.” Zoey said. And with that, she turned on her heel and walked back to the table. Brian sighed as he shuffled after her.

*****

Kyu scrunched her face as she watched Brian, Liam and Zoey in the bowling alley. She was afraid of this - Zoey had seriously upped her third wheel game, leaving Brian without any openings to work his magic. Even directly telling the ‘witch’ to back off didn’t do anything. In fact, all it did was piss her off, so now she was doing it out of spite.

The love fairy sighed. Looks like it was time for another direct intervention. She’ll just do what she did in the mall and pose as a nosy teacher wanting a word with Zoey. She was confident that Brian could turn this date around on his own once Zoey’s out of the-

“Ha-ha!”

Kyu nearly jumped out of her skin as a short girl dropped down from the ceiling and landed in front of her. She looked like she just stepped out of an _Assassin’s Creed_ game. She wore a red cloak and hood draped across her grown leather armor. Strapped to her belt and her thighs was a wide array of knives, stakes, and bottles of potions. Though she wore her hood up, Kyu could still see her face - light brown skin with freckles, violet hair, and unnaturally green eyes made her identity unmistakable.

It was that one monster slayer that kept breaking into the school and trying to murder the students. Lucky for them, she sucked at her job. In all the dozens of times she’s tried to slay one of the monsters in attendance at Spooky High, she hasn’t managed to succeed once.

“The Slayer?” Kyu asked. “What are YOU doing here?!”

“Why does the lioness come to the watering hole? Because she knows that THIS is where her prey gathers!” the Slayer monologued. “I’ve been watching you and your minions from afar for days, analyzing your weaknesses! And now the time has come for me to STRIKE!”

Kyu groaned out a curse as she rubbed her temple. The Slayer couldn’t have picked a worse time to do this! Her incompetent attempts at assassination are gonna throw off her clients’ games! “Look, can’t we do this on Monday? I’m kind of in the middle of something here.”

“Fat chance, you fairy fuck!” the Slayer replied. “Today, these monsters meet their fates! And just to make sure you don’t get in the way…”

It was then that the Slayer pulled out a large salt shaker and went to work. She quickly drew a line of salt separating the one small corner of bowling alley that Kyu had been standing in from the rest of Monsterland. “Ha-ha!” she laughed again as she tossed the salt shaker aside. “With you out of the picture, your students will be all but helpless!”

Kyu laughed in derision. “Yeah, sorry hun, but it takes more than a line of salt to stop Kyu Sugardust.”

“Oh? Well, try and step over it then.” the Slayer dared.

“I will.”

“Okay.”

“Just watch.”

“I am.”

“I’m gonna do it.”

“Do it, I won’t stop ya.”

Kyu just stood there for a minute, the Slayer’s mad grin widening with each passing second.

“…Okay, play time’s over, get rid of the salt.” Kyu ordered.

“Ha-ha! It works!” the Slayer cheered. “Now, for phase two of my master plan!” With that, she leapt back up to the ceiling, back into the air vent from whence she came.

“Hey - HEY! Get back here! I’m serious! Get rid of this salt! Slayer! I AM SO GONNA STEAL YOUR FIRSTBORN CHILD FOR THIS!” Kyu screamed at the retreating Slayer, who only offered distant maniacal laughter in response. Kyu looked back down at the salt line nervously.

“…Aaand now I need to pee.” Kyu said. “Shit.”


	7. Monsterland (Part 2)

With their fae benefactor indisposed, the monsters of Spooky High now had no one to protect them from the Slayer’s wrath! The mad monster hunter giggled as she crawled through the air vents. She could already taste sweet, sweet victory! She eventually climbed her way up to the roof of Monsterland, where she jogged over to the edge and looked out over the outdoor areas. She took out her telescope and began surveying the land for her prey.

“Ah…there you are…” she giggled as she spied the demon and the djinn once again competing with each other on the go-cart track. The djinn had won the race last time, but this time it was the demon who had the upper hand, much to djinn’s chagrin judging from the infuriated look on her face. Good - the monsters were already playing right into her hands.

The Slayer’s previous attempts at slaying had all gone…not as well as planned. She had realized that she had been underestimating her prey all this time - brute force and direct attacks weren’t going to work. No, bringing down these filthy beasts called for a more… _subtle_ approach.

Having located her targets, she set to work. She retreated from the roof’s edge and pulled out her disguise kit from her adventurer’s fanny pack. As Nietsche once famously said - “While fighting monsters, you sometimes have to become a monster. For when you look into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you…giving you the perfect opening to punch the abyss in the face! It’ll be so busy staring into you, it’ll never see it coming!”

Her disguise completed, she leapt down from the roof onto the outdoor eating area - landing on a table, ruining a pizza two other monsters were sharing, before hopping off and casually walking into the crowd, innocently whistling, blending in perfectly.

“What the - dude! The Slayer just ruined our pizza!”

“The Slayer? What do you mean?”

“She just jumped from the roof and ruined our pizza!”

“Dude, that wasn’t the Slayer.”

“What? That was TOTALLY the Slayer! She had the red cloak and everything!”

“Naw dude, I think it was that orc girl from Home Economics.”

“What?”

“Yeah, she had green skin and tusks.”

“That wasn’t the orc girl you’ve been crushing on since last semester, that was literally just the Slayer wearing green face paint and plastic fangs.”

“Say…do you think she’d go to prom with me?”

“Oh my fucking God, you’re an idiot.”

*****

_Love is like a bomb,_  
_Baby come on get it on,_  
_Livin’ like a lover_  
_With a radar phone_

_Lookin’ like a tramp,_  
_Like a video vamp,_  
_Demolition Woman,_  
_Can I be your man?_

Normally, Oz couldn’t skate their way out of…well, anything really. But apparently, the cinnamon cologne was working its magic as they somehow became Ruler of the Roller Rink. What roller skating had to do with sexuality, Oz still didn’t entirely understand. Seemed more like a talent thing. But hey - Oz wasn’t about to question the fact that Polly was having the time of her life on the rink and kept giving the shadow blob ‘come hither’ stares. Oz could barely contain their excitement.

As the song continued to play, Oz and Polly half-skated and half-danced with each other, the ghost laughing wildly. Eventually though, even restless spirits needed to rest, so the two pulled up to the side and leaned on the railing for a bit. “Hey Boo - go get us a couple drinks from the bar, will ya?” Polly asked with a wink.

“Sure!” Oz replied as they confidently skated out of the rink and, in blatant defiance of Monsterland rules, skated all the way up to the bar. They came back with two shots of whiskey - one for themselves and one for Polly. The ghost quickly downed the drink.

“Ah! That hit the spot!” she cheered. Oz downed their shot too and _by the shadows_ did it burn. Still, they took it stride to impress Polly. Speaking of which…

“So, you wanted to do a Reverse Romanian Wilkinson, right?” Oz asked.

“Uhm, duh? I literally told you about it just tonight.” Polly replied with an eyeball.

“Well, I’m still working on getting the guacamole and the marbles, but I DID find a penguin mask!” With a flourish, Oz produced the penguin mask that he had bought from Valerie the day before.

Polly paused. Then she leaned over and squinted at the mask. Oz was expecting Polly to yell ‘yaaasss’ or something to that effect. The fact that she wasn’t gave the shadow a bad feeling.

“…Oz.” Polly said. “You _do_ how to do a Reverse Romanian Wilkinson, right?”

“…Of course I do! Why wouldn’t I?” Oz replied. Panic was beginning to set in. Even Kyu’s enchanted, sexuality-enhancing cologne could do so much to hold back a shadow’s anxieties.

“Really?” Polly asked with a raised eyebrow. “So, how come we’re using the mask of a rockhopper penguin, instead of an emperor penguin?”

Oz paused. Then looked down at the mask. “…Uh…I like to…mix it up sometimes-“

“I knew it!” Polly said. “I KNEW it was too good to be true! I might be so high right now that I can see tiny gremlins in your nostrils, but that doesn’t mean I’m gullible! You don’t know how to do a Reverse Romanian Wilkinson at all, do you?!”

“I…I…I…” Oz stuttered. The cologne was quickly losing effect. Probably because the shadow was sweating it off. They didn’t even know shadows COULD sweat.

“You know what the tragic thing is here, boo?” Polly asked. “You were honestly really cute, so even if you didn’t know how to do a Reverse Romanian Wilkinson, I would’ve been willing to teach you. But instead, you lied to me and pretended to be something you’re not. I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I can trust you after this.”

“But-but-but-“ Oz was like a broken record, too stuck on one thought to progress to the next one.

“Goodbye, Oz.” Polly said. She kissed the shadow on the cheek, then floated upwards, phasing through the ceiling.

Her head phased back through. “I’m not ascending to heaven, for the record. I’m just calling it a night. See you on Monday!”

And just like that, she was gone.

*****

“Boo-fucking-yah!” Damien cheered as he hopped out of the go-cart at the end of the race. “The Champion has returned, motherfuckers!”

“You got lucky…” Amira growled as she climbed out of her own go-cart.

“Nice race, bro!” Scott said as he fist-bumped Damien. The display of male affection only made Amira steam even further, as did the shit-eating grin the demon shot her way.

“Come on, Scott.” Amira snarled as she dragged the werewolf away.

“Okay. Bye Damien!” Scott said as he waved the demon goodbye.

“Vicky! This perfume you gave me is the shit! I’m even more awesome than usual!” Damien cheered as he approached the flesh golem.

“It DOES seem to be having an effect.” Vera observed. “Vicky, I don’t know where you got that perfume, but I do know you’re sitting on a gold mine. If we could mass-produce it and sell it, we could make _millions!_ ”

“Millions, huh?” Vicky pondered as she reached into her pocket to feel up the precious bottle.

“Hey! Demon guy!”

Vicky turned her head and saw Lilly from Home Ec. Why was the orc wearing the Slayer’s clothes though? “You and the djinn should totally compete some more! So everyone can find out once and for all who’s better!”

“…Holy shit, AWESOME IDEA LILLY!” Damien shouted. “HEY AMIRA! LET ME BEAT YOU AT MORE CONTESTS!”

Amira growled at him from where she and Scott were sitting and gave no verbal reply. Instead, she just flipped him the bird. “Hey Demon Guy! I think Djinn Girl is SCARED!” Lilly went on. Vicky found it weird that she was calling Damien and Amira ‘demon guy’ and ‘djinn girl’ respectively. They all baked a cake together last month, so she totally knows their names.

“Fuck you, I’m not scared! I’M NOT SCARED OF ANYBODY!” Amira shouted as her flame flared higher.

“Oh yeah? PROVE IT!” Damien shouted back. “YOU! ME! SKI-BALL!”

“YOU’RE ON YOU BIG RED FUCK!”

“I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?!”

Amira roared incoherently in rage.

*****

The Slayer giggled as she watched the demon and the djinn march off to their arena. Her disguise had worked perfectly! All she had to do was egg them on from the sidelines, and two of the most powerful monsters of Spooky High will end up destroying _each other_! Her most cunning plan yet had been a rousing success!

But the Slayer wasn’t done yet. It was time for phase three!

Slipping back out to the front parking lot of Monsterland, she headed over to the nearby payphone and placed a call. She put the receiver to her ear and waited for the ringing to end. “Aye?” asked an accented voice on the other end of the line.

“Hello, is this Davis McMurphy?” the Slayer asked, trying to disguise her voice.

“…How did you get this number?” the voice on the other side of the line asked.

“I have my sources.” the Slayer replied cryptically.

“Make it quick - I’ve got no time for social calls.” the Irish-accented voice growled.

“Oh don’t worry, I won’t be long.” the Slayer assured. “I just thought you’d want to know the current whereabouts of your business rival, Ms…” she checked the name she wrote on a scrap of paper. “Vera Oberlin?”

“…Alright. I’m listenin’.”

*****

Brian had all but given up on tonight. Once Liam and Zoey started talking about a production of Waiting for Godot with no Estrogen or Vladimir, it was over. Zoey had finally wrenched Liam’s ear out of Brian’s grip and wasn’t going to let go for the rest of the night. Even if she did back off at some point, the peach cologne had already worn off. Brian was back to his non-romantic, stinky-as-always self.

He had excused himself for the night and left the two to their conversation, sighing wistfully as he went off on his own. As he walked from the bowling alley to the roller rink, he wondered if the others were having any better luck.

That’s when he noticed Oz running right past him, face in their hands, bawling their eyes out. “Well, guess that answers that question.” Brian said as he watched Oz sprint his way out of Monsterland, desperately trying to escape the shame of rejection. Or at least, Brian was guessing it was rejection. He probably would’ve joined Oz in running if he was a _28 Days Later_ kinda zombie.

“Brian! Over here!”

Brian looked and saw Kyu standing in a corner on the far side of the bowling alley. She was jogging in place, desperately gripping her groin for some reason. “Kyu? What are you doing here?” Brian asked.

“The salt!”

“What?”

“The salt on the ground!”

Brian looked down and saw the salt on the floor in front of Kyu. “What about it?”

“Get rid of it!”

“Why?”

“It’s keeping me trapped in this corner!”

“How?”

“IT’S A FAIRY THING!!! JUST GET RID OF THE SALT!!! I SERIOUSLY NEED TO FUCKING PEE!!!

“Okay, okay.” Brian said as he brushed the salt aside with his boot. The fairy then immediately flew towards the nearest bathroom. Two minutes later, a very relieved Kyu floated back up to Brian.

“Thanks, buddy. I was holding that in since last night.” Kyu said.

“But we’ve only been here a few hours…” Brian observed.

“Semantics.” Kyu replied. “Anyway, I was MIA for a while there. Gimme a sitrep.”

“Well…Zoey third wheeled me hard, so I don’t think I’m gonna woo Liam tonight.” Brian said.

“Shit.” Kyu said. “What about the others?”

“I haven’t seen Amira and Vicky since the pizza dinner. Hopefully they’re doing better than I did.” Brian replied.

“And Oz?” Kyu asked.

“Probably not great - given that they ran past me, crying.” Brian said.

“Uh-oh.” Kyu said. “Sounds like Polly shot them down. You’d better go after them and make sure they don’t get into trouble.”

“Why would they get into trouble?” Brian asked.

“Well Brian, people react differently to rejection and break-ups.” Kyu explained. “It can vary from individual to individual, but generally speaking it depends on gender. Women have an ‘eat cookies and cry’ period, while men have an ‘I’m gonna go fuck a girl that looks just like her just to prove that I don’t need her’ period.”

“But Oz is nonbinary. They don’t have a gender.” Brian pointed out.

“ _Exactly._ ” Kyu replied. “Oz could go either way, and that’s what worries me. Follow them, and make sure their feminine side is the one doing all the decision-making. Got it?”

“Got it.” Brian replied with a nod. He turned on his heel and walked in the direction that Oz ran. Kyu sighed as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Oz getting rejected and running out into the night to God knows where. Brian getting cock-blocked by a professional social justice witch. What else could go wrong?

And that’s when the fairy heard an explosion coming from the arcade.

Because of COURSE there was going to be an explosion coming from the arcade.

Sighing, the fairy flew off to do some damage control.

*****

The green tea perfume had been sweated off of Amira’s body in the heat of her rage as she growled at the remains of the ski ball machine. “Bullshit! How do you keep making those center holes EVERY FUCKING TIME?!” she demanded.

“Fuck you, that’s how.” Damien replied.

“GRRRRAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!” Amira raged. “THAT’S IT!” the djinn conjured a large fireball in her hands and tossed it at Damien. The fire ball detonated, sending the demon flying across the arcade, crashing on top of a pinball machine. He was barely phased though, rising from the wreckage, not really bothered by the shards of glass embedded in his skin. He wiped the black blood from his nose and put on a mad grin.

“NOW IT’S A PARTY!” Damien roared as he charged at Amira, and the two monsters did battle.

By the time Kyu arrived in the arcade, it was too late - dozens of monsters were fleeing the scene as Damien and Amira engaged each other in a good old fashioned monster mash, complete with thousands of dollars in property damage. Kyu silently pulled Vicky aside without Vera noticing, the gorgon too busy taking bets from those brave enough to spectate the fight.

“What’s going on?!” Kyu demanded.

“Amira and Damien are fighting!” Vicky said.

An air hockey table flew through the air and crashed into the demon.

“Obviously!” Kyu replied. “How did this happen?!”

“Well, Amira started beating Damien, then I gave Damien some of that perfume you gave me and-“

“You gave Damien the sea breeze perfume?!” Kyu demanded.

“Er…well…was I not supposed to?” Vicky asked.

Amira was pelted by a giant teddy bear that Damien stole from the prize corner and lit on fire.

“Take a wild guess.” Kyu deadpanned. “Okay, stay here, try not to fuck anything else up, I’ll see if I can’t talk down Amira.”

With that, Kyu fluttered over to Amira’s side as she threw fireballs at Damien. “Uh, Amira?”

“RRRAAAAAAARRRRGH!” Amira roared, totally oblivious to the love fairy’s presence. Kyu scowled and prepared her pimp hand.

“BITCH, BE COOL!!!”

_SMACK!_

Amira’s assault momentarily ceased as she rubbed her cheek. “The fuck, Kyu?! I was winning!”

“Winning at what, exactly?” Kyu asked.

“Throwing fireballs at Damien! DUH!” Amira shouted.

“I see, and how is THAT supposed to impress Scott?” Kyu asked. She then paused. “For that matter, where IS Scott?” the fairy asked.

“YIPE YIPE YIPE!!!” Scott whined as he ran out of the arcade on all fours, sports jacket on fire.

“Scott!” Amira gasped. “Wait! Come back! I didn’t mean it!”

It didn’t take long for Amira’s shock and horror to morph back into rage. “Damien! You ruined-“

“Think fast!”

And that’s when Damien pushed the change machine that Amira had been standing next to on top of her. Kyu was able to jump out of the way, but the djinn wasn’t as lucky, as she was crushed under the weight of the massive machine. Damien hopped atop the downed machine and struck a victory pose. “Booyah! I win!”

“Oh no…” Vicky worryingly said as she walked over to where Amira was crushed. “Now you’ve gone and done it.”

“Aw, what’s wrong? You gonna _cry_ because I turned your _BFF_ into a bloody pancake?” Damien taunted.

“It’s not that.” Vicky said. “It’s that she’s about to reveal her true form.”

“…True form?” Damien asked.

That’s when Damien noticed his feet were feeling hot. Very, _very_ hot. And he was a demon, so he knew a thing or two about hot. He hopped off and saw flames licking out from under the edges of the downed machine, as the metal turned red and began to melt, the internal circuitry sparking and blowing up as it overheated.

“Don’t cash out those bets, ladies and gentlemen!” Vera called out. “It seems the Amira the Immolator isn’t done yet!”

With the power of an erupting volcano, the fire shot the change machine through the ceiling. Underneath was a vaguely humanoid-shaped being made of pure fire, twelve feet tall and howling like the anguished souls who perished in Pompeii. The being turned towards Damien and its face-like flames contorted into a scowl. “ _SAWF TADFAE THAMAN HDHA ALTAHWIL!!!_ ” It roared at Damien in the Primordial tongue, an ancient language spoken by elementals since before Man walked the earth.

“Aw, crap.” Damien said before he was blasted by fires that had burned for a thousand mortal lifetimes. The demon flew out the window, and the elemental giant gave chase as it roared in inhuman fury.

Kyu sighed. “Oh my God, can this night get any worse?”

It was then that several cars were heard screeching to a halt outside. Followed the pounding of many feet adorned in well-shined shoes. The doors to the arcade burst open, revealing a large squad of short, red-haired men in green tuxedos. One of them pointed to Vera. “There she is!”

“Oh shit.” Vera said as she immediately ducked for cover just before the leprechauns took out their tommy guns and began unloading on the arcade, sending the spectators of the fight scrambling for cover themselves.

“Come out, Oberlin! You’ve nowhere to run!” one of the Irish hit men shouted.

“I had to ask.” Kyu muttered as she took cover behind an overturned Street Fighter machine. “ _Of course_ I had to ask. This is a comedy fanfic!”

“Vera!” Vicky said as she crawled over to where the gorgon was hiding. “Who are these guys?”

“Leprechauns.” Vera replied. “The _original_ Irish Mobsters.”

“Why are they sending a hit squad after you?” Vicky asked.

“Because it’s the right move.” Vera replied. “They don’t want my merger to go through anymore than the dwarves do, but they actually have the balls to do something about it.”

Once the hit squad reloaded their guns, they once again emptied their magazines into the arcade. As Vera pulled her desert eagle out of her purse and returned fire, Vicky was holding her head between her knees. Her prom date was about to get whacked! What was she going to do?

That’s when she remembered the sea breeze perfume. She pulled the blue bottle out of her pocket. Kyu said it would naturally enhance talent. Foiling assassinations was a talent, right? Only one way to find out! Not having time to spritz some of the stuff on her wrist, she just chucked the bottle in her mouth and ate the whole thing, glass and all.

She instantly felt the surge of talent through her. Talent enough to devise a plan to save Vera’s life. She stood up and roared at the leprechauns as she marched towards them with purpose. Though the little people turned their tommy guns on her, their bullets did little to slow down her war path.

She grabbed hold of the nearest crane game and, summoning every ounce of strength granted by her Frankensteinian heritage, she lifted the crane game over her head and threw it, crushing two of the hitmen. She roared as she held out her hands, bolts of electricity shooting from whatever machines were still functioning and into her fingertips, further enhancing her strength and stamina.

Fully supercharged, she ran over to the remaining hitmen and _broke them_. She snapped one’s neck. He strangled another to death. And as for the final one, out of ammunition and begging for his life, Vicky plunged her fist into his chest and ripped out his heart. She roared in victory, surrounded by little green corpses.

“…Not bad.” Vera said as she walked out of cover to examine Vicky’s handiwork. “I think I might promote you from bullet sponge to full bodyguard.”

“Anything for my boss.” Vicky replied with a flirty wink. The two then heard a cell phone ringing. Vera knelt down and pulled the ringing phone out of one of the hitmen’s pockets. She flipped it open and answered it.

“Nice try, McMurphy.” Vera said. “Yes, yes, I’m a harlot - look let’s stop with these childish mob hits and get down to brass tax. This merger’s going through whether you like it or not, but how much is it going to cost to keep you from tying things up in the trade commission? …10%? That’s so funny, I forgot to laugh. 5% domestic, 1% international, that’s my final offer. And if you don’t like it, you can take it up with my new bodyguard. Your men already met her.”

Vera then tossed Vicky a wink. All the trigger-happy Irish fairies on the Emerald Isle couldn’t blast that grin off the flesh golem’s face.

*****

The zombie shuffled through the streets of Downtown Monstropolis, but rather than hunting for human flesh like his ancestors before him (damn, he could go for some human flesh right about now), Brian was hunting for his friend Oz. The shadow had taken off running out of Monsterland to who knows where after what Brian assumed was a rough night.

“Oz!” he called out. “Oz! Where are you, buddy?”

That’s when he spotted Oz from the edge of the park, sitting on a bench under lamp light. Brian sighed in relief as he limped over. “There you are. Been looking all over for you. Where’ve you been?” he asked.

“The pet shop.” Oz replied.

“Why were you at a pet shop?”

“So I could buy a goldfish.” Oz said as they gestured to a goldfish swimming around in a plastic bag next to them on the bench.

“Why did you buy a goldfish?”

“BECAUSE GOLDFISH DON’T LEAVE YOU!!!” Oz shouted before breaking down in sobs. Brian leaned over and sniffed the shadow.

“Have you been drinking?” Brian asked.

“Just enough to numb the _pain_.” Oz replied. “Which is actually a lot, as it turns out.”

Brian sighed. “Alright, come on, let’s get you home. It’s been a long night for all of us.”

As Brian took Oz's arm around his shoulders and lifted him up, he heard a text alert from his phone. He reached in and read the text message from Vicky. “Okay, so good news and bad news. Good news is, Vicky seems to have made some headway with Vera.”

“What’s the bad news?” Oz asked.

“Amira went full elemental and now she and Damien are fighting somewhere downtown.” Brian said. It was then that they saw a pillar of fire rise to the heavens in the distance, accompanied by the roar of fires that had burned since the world was young. “Yup. That’d be her.”

“We should stop her.” Oz said.

“ _I’ll_ stop her. You’re going home.” Brian said as he carried Oz to a bench on the side of the road. “I’ll call you a cab. Here’s twenty bucks, should cover the ride.”

“Okay.” Oz replied.

Once Brian completed the cab call, he noticed that his little shadow buddy was still feeling down. “…Hey. Don’t give up.” he said as he gently punched Oz’s shoulder. “We’ve still got two more weeks until prom. It’s not over yet.”

Oz only sighed and nodded. Figuring he said all he could say, Brian shuffled off in the direction of the fire pillar, hopefully to try and calm Amira down.

Oz was left there to wallow in his own sadness. Two weeks, Brian said. Two weeks of what? False hope? Repeated humiliation? The shadow no longer saw the point in any of it. He just wanted to go home and let his unused genitals rot away in peace.

“Umm, excuse me?”

Oz looked up. It was hard to tell with all the alcohol blurring his vision, but he thought he was looking at a girl with red hair. Or was it brown? Brownish-red? Reddish-brown? “Did you drop this fishy here? If you don’t want it, can I have it?” she asked in a high-pitched voice.

They squinted at the plastic bag she was holding. Oh yeah - that goldfish they bought. Somehow, they completely forgot about that. “Uh…okay.” Oz replied.

“Yessss! Thank you! I’ll love it forever and ever!” the girl squeed as she gave Oz a great big hug. And that was the last thing Oz remembered about that night.

*****

Sunday morning. The sun peeked over the horizon of Monstropolis, beginning to stir its inhabitants from their slumber. Some appreciated it less than others, and not just because many monsters were naturally nocturnal. For Oz, Amira, Brian, and Vicky, the previous night had been a long one.

Brian eventually found Amira - naked in the middle of the woods, her flame nearly dead from exhaustion. After giving her some tinder to get her stronger, he hauled the djinn home himself. Oz’s cab ride went more or less as planned, dropping them off at the house and giving them a chance to sleep off the drunken despair. Vicky had been the luckiest one by far - after a lovely evening of business negotiation with a gang of leprechauns, Vera ordered Vicky be personally driven home by one of her own goons. It seemed that the flesh golem was the only one really getting anywhere with her crush - and all it took was the allure of mass-producing Kyu’s talent-enhancing perfume, which couldn’t possibly lead to anything bad happening.

The four had slept off one of the roughest nights of their lives in the large bedroom they all shared, which had two bunk beds for each of them. One bunk bed for the girls, and one for the boys. Well, one for the boy and the nonbinary shadow, anyway. On most Sunday mornings, not even the rising morning sun would sway the monsters from their quest to sleep in until noon, as is their divine right as high schoolers on weekend break. But something roused them much earlier than usual.

The smell of food.

The scent of biscuits, bacon, eggs, sausages, and pancakes had all wafted into the four’s nostrils, slowly awakening them from their sleep. “Mmmm….” Amira hummed. “Awesome. Vicky’s making breakfast.”

“Yeah…” Vicky sighed wistfully. She paused. “…Wait. No I’m not.”

“Huh?” Amira asked. “Brian?”

“Yeah?” the zombie asked.

“Oz making breakfast?” Amira asked.

“Please stop talking so loud…” Oz whined as they gripped their head, already feeling the effects of the hangover.

“So, if we’re all up here….who’s downstairs making breakfast?” Amira asked. She paused and looked down at herself. She shrieked as she covered herself up. “And why am I naked?!”

“You went full elemental on Damien last night.” Vicky said as she finally sat up, rubbing sleep from her eyes.

“…Did I win?” Amira asked.

“Well, you shot Damien into the air and he _presumably_ landed somewhere in the woods.” Brian said. “And then you changed back into your normal form.”

“That totally counts as a win.” Amira bragged as she grabbed a t-shirt large enough to cover her shame. “Come on - let’s head downstairs and see who broke into our house to make us breakfast.”

“Are we going to thank them or beat them to death?” Vicky asked.

“Guess we’ll find out.” Amira replied.

As the four friends descended down the stairs, they were nearly in awe. For one, their kitchen had never been cleaner. And for two, the round dining room table was filled with stacks of pancakes, dozens of crispy bacon strips, biscuits covered in chicken gravy, it was every breakfast-lover’s wet dream. And standing off to the side was the one responsible for this little miracle.

The short girl looked almost human, with her reddish-brown hair and golden eyes, but the cat ears and cat-tail betrayed that she was a cat girl, albeit one with perhaps some human blood in her. She was dressed like some kind of maid, a white apron wrapped around a red maid dress, with blue string tied in a bow at the end of her tail. She did a little curtsy as the four entered. “Good morning, Master!” she said, smiling at Oz. She then turned to Amira, Brian and Vicky. “And you three must be Master’s friends! Pleased to meet you! I’m Momo! I’m a kitty, hehe!”

For a brief moment, the four stood in shocked silence.

“…Damn, Oz.” Amira said, breaking the silence. “Nice rebound.”

“Uhh, this isn’t what it looks like.” Oz nervously replied.

“Dude, she called you ‘master.’” Brian said.

“And she’s wearing a french maid outfit.” Vicky pointed out.

“ _This isn’t what it looks like!_ ” Oz repeated, starting to panic a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends Week One!
> 
> Think I'll start slowing down with these frequent updates a bit. My backlog is starting to become exhausted. Don't forget to let me know how I'm doing and leave a comment!


	8. Lazy Sunday

“So you just…followed Oz home?” Vicky asked.

“Yup yup!” Momo replied. “I climbed into the cab with him and I spent the night here. Your couch is really comfy!”

“And Oz is your….” Brian asked.

“My master!” Momo said as she gave Oz a big hug, much to the shadow’s anxiety. “I asked him if he wanted a kitty, and he said yes! I always wanted a master, and now I finally have one!”

“I swear I don’t remember any of this.” Oz said. “I was really drunk and emotional when all this happened.”

“…So, it’s NOT a sex thing?” Amira asked.

“What’s a sex thing?” Momo asked.

It was then that they heard a knock at the door. “I’ll get it.” Vicky said as she got up and went to answer the door. Soon as she opened it, Kyu came flying inside.

“Okay kids, I know -“ she paused at the sight of the cat girl. “Momo? What are you doing here?”

“Hi Kyu!” Momo greeted.

“You two know each other?” Brian asked.

“Kind of.” Kyu replied.

“Look Kyu! I finally found a master!” Momo said as she gave Oz a hug.

“Well, whaddaya know! Gratz, Momo! You too, Oz. Remember - she talks, so _technically_ , it’s not bestiality.”

“I’m not that kind of master!” Oz shouted as their blush intensified.

“Hey - I’m not judging. You gotta do what you gotta do.” Kyu said, making Oz groan even more in embarrassment. “Anyway, I know that last night didn’t exactly go according to plan. Vicky made some decent headway with Vera, but the rest of you…”

“Zoey cockblocked me all night.” Brian grumbled.

“Polly shot me down.” Oz glumly said.

“And I accidentally set Scott on fire.” Amira sighed.

“Yeah…” Kyu said. “But hey - we may be down, but we’re not out.”

The love fairy conjured the PromClock once again. 323 hours and 19 minutes until Monster Prom. “We’ve got a solid two weeks left. It’s not too late to turn our luck around.”

“Okay, but where do we go from here?” Brian asked.

“Yeah - what’s our next move?” Amira asked.

“Patience, my dear students.” Kyu said. “I’ll need time to devise a new game plan. I should have something for you guys by tomorrow. Until then, take it easy. Last night was a hell of a ride, so for today, just focus on nursing your hangovers.”

“No objections here.” Oz said. Momo handed Oz a bag of ice for the shadow to hold against his head. “Thank you, Momo.”

“Anything for you, master!”

“Please stop calling me that.”

“See you guys tomorrow.” And on that note, Kyu turned on her heels and left the house.

As she fluttered through the air back to her house for her own lazy Sunday, the fairy couldn’t help but wonder how things were going back at Huniepop Studios without her shining light to guide those poor mortals…

*****

“Damn, we’ve been _killing it_ this week.” Nora observed as she looked over Bradley’s shoulder at the ever-growing viewership numbers.

“We often do in October.” Bradley reported. “Apparently, there’s something attractive about women in costume. But even so, it seems like you girls have been more productive than usual.”

“Yeah - probably because of Kyu not being around to breathe down our necks.” Lilian said.

“Yeah, Kyu can be a little overbearing sometimes, can’t she?” Lailani asked.

“She’s a fucking bitch.” Audrey said. “And now that she isn’t around to bitch at us, we can get some fucking work done for once!”

Lola shooed away the Hunies hanging around Bradley. “Come on, girls. Let our favorite accountant work in peace. He’s got work to do.”

Lola turned to Bradley and presented him with a gift - a cupcake. “Keep up the good work. You always do such a good job taking care of us.”

“I…” Bradley replied with a blush. “I just….schedule…..things…..”

“Oh hush, you’re a critical part of this operation. We’d be nothing without you.” Lola said with the warmest, friendliest smile.

“…Please never leave.” Bradley whispered.

“Hm?”

“Nothing!”

Lola just shrugged as Bradley eagerly went back to work. She noticed Beli on her cell phone, looking increasingly distraught about something. Her leadership instincts kicking in, she marched over to investigate her employee’s troubles. “Something wrong, Beli?”

“Hm?” Beli asked as she turned to the acting-CEO of Huniepop. “Oh, it’s nothing. Really.”

“Oh, it’s something. I can tell.” Lola lightly admonished. “Spill.”

Beli at last sighed in defeat. “It’s my little cousin…” she began. “I’ve been trying to call her since last night, but she hasn’t picked up once. Normally, she at least texts me back whenever I call.”

“Maybe her cell phone just died.” Lola asked. “She get up to anything last night?”

“She DID mention a party…” Beli said before sighing. “I guess I’m just getting worried.”

“If you need a day off to go find her, I’d be more than happy to oblige, Beli.” Lola asked.

“Oh no, I shouldn’t…” Beli said.

“I insist. Family should always come first.” Lola sternly said.

“Well…it’s almost my lunch break anyway. I guess I could drive around town for a bit.” Beli said. “Thank you so much, Lola.”

“Don’t mention it.” Lola replied. She turned to Sarah. “Beli’s going to take the rest of the day off, so think you can sub in for her, Sarah?”

“Suki - on the job!” Sarah replied as she struck a kawaii pose.

*****

The forest outside Monstropolis was peaceful that morning. Beautiful, even. Pixies were playing among the flowers. A gryphon gave a mighty cry as it soared high above. And a unicorn knelt its head down by a babbling brook, looking to quench its thirst. All was peaceful.

And then a certain demon erupted out of the brook, gasping for air, sending all those woodland critters scurrying for cover. “Fuck me, my head!” Damien Lavey swore as he gripped his skull. He wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or the previous night’s beating.

His fight with Amira last night ended with the giant elemental tossing him into the woods, and the last thing he remembers was landing hard on his head before falling into a river, where he probably slept through the night. It was a good thing demons were pretty durable, otherwise he would’ve died of drowning, third degree burns, and blunt force trauma, not necessarily in that order.

He looked down and also realized that he was naked. Amira must’ve burnt off all his clothes. “Fuckin’ perfect…” he groaned. His dads were never going to let him hear the end of it once they got wind of THIS little incident. Bad enough he started a fight with a fire elemental, but he couldn’t even _win?_ The lecture they’re gonna give him is going to _suck._

The demon began wandering through the woods, grabbing a pixie and biting the poor little creature’s head off for a snack, tossing the headless body away, because who eats pixie bodies? That’s just gross. He paused and looked around, realizing that he’s completely lost.

“…GGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” he roared as he punched the nearest tree. “FUCKING FOREST!!!!! WHY IS THERE EVEN A FOREST HERE?!?!?! FUCK IT, I’M BURNING THIS MOTHER DOWN!!!”

So he grabbed two sticks and began angrily rubbing them together, trying to make a spark.

And that’s when Damien felt something club him over the head and he fell over. The last thing he saw as he lost consciousness again was the grinning visage of the Slayer.

*****

“And that’s a wrap!” Jessie said as the final scene of the day ended. “Great work today, everyone!”

“We’re done?” Candace asked as she toweled off. “But it’s only four.”

Jessie casually shrugged. “Guess I’m just that good at this.” The senior porn star leaned back in the director’s chair like a queen on her throne. One of the changes Lola made to Huniepop was promoting Jessie to part-time director. Lola had no idea why Kyu was both CEO and Director of most scenes - she was just that much of a control freak, apparently. Lola wasn’t as much of fan of intense micromanagement though, so while she focused on Huniepop as a whole, she left Jessie in charge of direction - given her fifteen-plus years of experience in front of the camera, she was the most natural choice.

“I knew promoting you was the right decision.” Lola said as she marched down to the soundstage and put her hands on her hips. “Alright everyone! Let’s clean up and then let’s all go out to eat to celebrate a productive day! My treat!”

“And I’ll be buying the drinks!” Jessie added.

“Mom, it’s only four.” Tiffany pointed out.

“Hey - it’ll be five by the time we get there.” Jessie argued.

As the crew started cleaning up the soundstage and the stars started cleaning up themselves, Zoey could be spotted making a beeline for the door. “Hey Zoey-chan, where you going?” Sarah asked.

“Sorry to blow you girls off, but I have a meeting with my coven!” Zoey said.

Sarah gasped. “Cool! Can I come?”

“Sorry - witches only!” Zoey said as she grabbed her bag and headed out the door. The blue-haired girl breathed a sigh of relief as she headed out the door. Finally - away from the humans. She heard a horn honk from the parking lot. She waved over to the other three witches as she ran over to the black convertible driven by Joy, with Faith riding shotgun and Hope in the back. She hopped in the back seat next to Hope and smiled. “I’m ready for my next lesson in witchcraft, mistress!” she told Joy.

“Riiiight…” Joy said as she put the car into reverse and backed up through a magical portal out of the human world and back to Monstropolis. If these streets had any real traffic laws, the witches would’ve ignored them as they sped down the street towards the city’s oceanfront, Kraken Bay. “Alright, we don’t have a lot of time. Gorxalla, Mistress of Pain, is about to summon in her master down by the docks. This is going to be our first big battle of the season, so we need to make sure we’re all set. Faith?”

“I have the Rod of the Tides in the trunk.” Faith said. “Getting it from the merpeople wasn’t easy, though.”

“That’s one I owe ya.” Joy replied as the car zoomed down the street. “Hope?”

“Got the Amulet of Aeolus right here.” she said as she held up an amulet with a blue gem in it.

“Perfect. You’ll provide cover with it in case anything goes wrong.” Joy said.

“What do you want me to do?!” Zoey asked, excited that she was going to be fighting evil for the first time alongside her fellow witches!

“…Uh…you….watch the car.” Joy said.

“In case the goblins try to steal it.” Faith added.

“Yeah! In case the goblins try to steal it!” Joy said.

“You got it!” Zoey said as she shot Joy a pair of finger guns.

*****

The Slayer groaned as she dragged the demon’s naked body through the streets, a cyclops casually walking around them as he sipped his latte. One of the advantages of life in Monstropolis is that strange sights like these are so common that most of these ‘people’ pay it no mind, if they bother to even notice it at all. A meteor could hit the earth, and these people’s only response would be to complain about the cloudy weather as the debris encircles the planet and throws it into nuclear winter.

God, she hated monsters.

The Slayer finally managed to drag the demon to her apartment building - up the stoop, up the elevator, and down the hall. She opened the door and pulled the unconscious demon inside.

“Hey, roomie.” Valerie greeted from the couch. The purple cat girl was the Slayer’s roommate, primary supplier, and arguably her only friend in this world of monsters. She uses the word ‘friend’ loosely, though. The word didn’t seem to get her any discounts at Val’s black market schoolyard stand, at any rate. “You left your-“

And that’s when the Slayer threw the naked, unconscious demon boy onto the recliner. “Oh, so you DID get lucky last night.” Valerie said. The Slayer began tying him to the chair with duct tape. “Oooh, kinky.”

“Shut it!” the Slayer hissed as she continued about her work.

“So, I take it last night’s hunt went well?” Valerie asked.

“…Eeeeh, results were mixed.” the Slayer was forced to admit. “Thanks to my cunning subterfuge, I WAS able to manipulate two powerful monsters into fighting each other, AND I ratted out the gorgon’s location to the leprechaun mob to finish them off. I did everything right on my end.”

“But?” Val asked, knowing that there was always a but.

“But these monsters are so stupid and stubborn, they can’t even die by EACH OTHER’S hands!” the Slayer ranted. “Lady Snake survived the hit, and the djinn never finished off the demon! So I had to track down the demon myself, and drag him back here where I can slay him at my leisure!”

“Did you [i]have[/i] to drag him back here? I just got the blood stains lifted from the carpet.” the cat girl complained.

“YES I had to drag him here!” the Slayer snapped. “Demons in general don’t die easily, but this one has a noted record of being particularly durable. I simply don’t have the equipment necessary to finish him off in the field!”

The demon finally groaned as he came to. “What the fuck…?” he asked as he opened his eyes and looked around.

“Ha-ha! The demon awakens!” the Slayer shouted. “I’ve got you right where I-“

“Oh, _fuck off_ , not so loud.” the demon hissed. “Still hungover.” he noticed Valerie. “Val? What are you doing here?”

“Hey Damien. I live here.” Valerie answered.

“Wait, you KNOW her?!” the Slayer demanded. She turned to Valerie. “You know HIM?!”

“Sure, that’s Damien Lavey. I sell him gasoline.” The cat girl turned to Damien. “Anyway, Aaravi here’s my roommate. Aaravi, Damien. Damien, Aaravi. But I’m guessing you two have already met.”

“She has a name?” Damien asked. “I thought her name was just ‘Slayer.’”

“…It is!” the Slayer shouted. She turned to the cat girl. “Why’d you tell him my real name?! Do you not understand how secret identities work?!” the Slayer whisper-yelled.

“Wait, your identity is a secret?” Valerie asked.

“Yes!”

“Since when?”

“Since forever! Haven’t you been listening to my monologues about my backstory?!”

“Honestly, I just kinda tune them out.”

The Slayer hissed out a curse before turning her attentions on Damien. “As for YOU…” she giggled evilly. “I’m going to ENJOY this…

*****

Audrey had never been the type to hang out with coworkers after work. On the other hand, she had never been the type to refuse free drinks. So, when Lola decided to call it a day early and Jessie offered to buy everyone drinks, hell yeah Audrey signed up for that shit.

Besides, Tommy was going to be there…

Ever since realizing that he was pretty much the only guy in town who _wasn’t_ a complete shithead, Audrey had developed something of a crush on Huniepop’s only male star and had been trying to gain his attention for weeks now. She twirled around in front of him at the outdoor lounge on the hill overlooking the town. “What do you think of my new dress, Tommy?” Audrey cooed.

“It looks really good, Audrey!” Tommy replied with that usual dopey grin of his.

“Anything else…” Audrey purred as she ran a head down her chest, drawing attention to the fact that this red dress showed a bit more skin in the chest area than most of her other dresses do, flattering what little cleavage was there.

“Uh…it’s really red?” Tommy asked.

This was the only real problem with Tommy - he was dumb as a fucking stump.

“Uh, Lola?” Candace asked as she held up her hand, which had somehow gotten stuck inside the wine bottle.

Lola sighed. “Aiko, get the baby oil.” she ordered.

“On it, boss.” Aiko replied.

Okay, Tommy wasn’t _that_ dumb, but still. He was kinda oblivious to all the ‘I’m yours, come get me’ signals that Audrey had been sending his way. It was honestly starting to piss her off. She was _this_ close to just flashing him her cooch and yelling ‘What, do you need a written invitation or something? Just stick your dick in it, you dumbass!’

It was then that Lola rolled up and sensuously wrapped an arm around Tommy’s. “Come on, you big lug.” she teased. “I need you to help settle a bet with Jessie and Nora.”

“What kind of bet?” Tommy asked as he was lead away. Lola answered only with cryptic giggles. Audrey ground her teeth as she watched that _fucking cunt_ drag away her man! No wonder Audrey was hitting a brick wall with him - to get anywhere, she’d have to pry him out of Lola’s claws first, and the bitch had dug them in deep.

“Fuck this.” she grunted to herself as she stomped off while the other Hunies were distracted with helping Lola tease her boy toy. Audrey would just do what she always did whenever she was pissed and needed to forget her problems.

Go out shopping.

Not all the Hunies were oblivious though. Tiffany sighed as she noticed Audrey storming off. “She’s angry.” she said.

“When is she ever _not_ angry?” Nikki asked.

“I’d better follow her.” Tiffany volunteered. “Make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble again. I remember what happened last time.”

“Oh yeah - did the guy ever file charges?” Nikki asked.

“He dropped them after Kyu offered to cover his hospital bills.” Tiffany said as she rose from her seat and followed her friend.

*****

“I don’t get it!” the Slayer raged. “Why aren’t you dead yet?!”

The demon boy had had holy water dumped on his head, stabbed with a silver cross in multiple places, and beaten with a golf club that had been blessed by a cardinal who took his backswing very seriously. And while all these things certainly left their marks, nothing was putting the demon down for good.

“I dunno.” Damien said before spitting out some black blood. “Maybe you just really suck at this?”

“Grrrrr….” the Slayer growled.

“You know, I just realized something.” Valerie said aloud. “Even if you DO manage to kill him, he’s just gonna wind up in Hell. That’s where he lives anyway. So all you’re really doing is sending him home with a spanking.”

“That IS what she’d be doing if she didn’t SUCK AT IT!” the demon taunted. “Seriously - if you’d have just let me go, I could’ve taken a bus and I’d be home by now. In fact, tonight’s burrito night, so I’m actually kinda eager to get home. So either let me go, or start swinging that nine-iron like you mean it, noob.”

“GRRRRRRR…..” the Slayer growled harder. “YOU LITTLE-“

It was then that a cell phone began buzzing on the coffee table. “What the?” the Slayer asked.

“Oh yeah, that’s right.” Valerie remembered. “You left your cell phone here last night. It was blowing up all night, too. I didn’t answer though because, you know, didn’t want you flipping out over me touching your stuff.”

The Slayer picked up the phone and checked the name.

_Beli_

“Shit!” the Slayer cursed. “She _always_ calls when I’m in the middle of an execution!”

“A _fail_ execution.” Damien chortled.

“Shut it!” the Slayer hissed as she answered the phone. “Hey Beli.”

“ _Aaravi! There you are, I was so worried._ ” the concerned, almost motherly voice of the Slayer’s older cousin said. “ _Where are you right now?_ ”

“I’m at home, with my roommate, I’m FINE.” the Slayer growled.

“ _What were you even doing last night?_ ” Beli asked.

“I was…working.” the Slayer said.

“ _All night?_ ” Beli asked.

“It was a late shift.” the Slayer replied.

There was a sigh on the other end. “ _And you didn’t even bring your cell phone with you?_ ”

“Look, I forgot, alright?!” the Slayer snapped. “I had things to do! I was in a rush!”

“Yeah, a rush to be a pain in everyone’s asses.” Damien said.

“I said shut it!” the Slayer snapped at the demon.

“ _Who was that?_ ” Beli asked.

“What?” the Slayer asked, directing her attention back to her call.

“ _I heard someone on the other line._ ”

“Uh…no you didn’t.”

“ _I’m very sure I did._ ”

“It was…Valerie.”

“ _I know Valerie’s voice, and that wasn’t it. In fact, I’m pretty sure that was a boy’s voice…_ ”

“It wasn’t! You heard wrong!”

“ _…Aaravi…did you…did you ‘meet’ someone last night?_ ”

The Slayer froze in shock as her cheeks suddenly flushed with color. The demon broke out in snickers and even Valerie couldn’t help but wear a shit-eating smirk.

“I did not!” the Slayer snapped.

“Yeah she did!” Damien shouted.

“How many times must I tell you to SHUT IT?!” she snapped at Damien.

“ _Aaravi, it’s fine. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Though…you DID use a condom, right?_ ”

That’s when Damien’s snickering turned into outright laughter. “Holy shit…” he gasped between laughs. “This is the best fucking thing…..”

“WHY WON’T YOU SHUT IT?!?!”

“ _Can you put him on?_ ”

“What?!”

“ _I want to say hello!_ ”

“No!”

Too late. Damien’s long, spear-tipped tail grabbed the cell phone out of the Slayer’s hand and held it up to his ear. “Hello - Damien Lavey speaking.” the demon introduced himself.

“ _Hello, Damien! I’m Beli - Aaravi’s cousin.”_ ”

“Pleased to meet ya.” Damien said as he held up his foot to keep the Slayer at bay, who was trying to lunge at him and claw out his eyes. The Slayer _really_ should’ve tied down his legs and tail in addition to his arms. This is what happens when you only focus on the upper body, kids.

“GIVE ME BACK MY CELL PHONE YOU SON OF A FUCK!” the Slayer ranted.

“ _Oh my. She sounds angry._ ”

“Yeah, she’s a real firecracker.” Damien said. “I don’t mind, though. Honestly, I think it’s kinda hot.”

“I’M GOING TO STAB YOUR SHINS!”

“Love you too, babe.”

“GRAAARGH!”

“ _So, how did you two meet?_ ”

“At Monsterland. It’s a family fun center near campus with bowling and roller rinks and shit. She swept me off my feet so good, it’s almost like she kidnapped me and tied me up in her living room.”

“ _Oh, that sounds like so much fun!_ ”

The Slayer, remembering that she has a grabbling hook, used it to grab the cell phone away from Damien and hold it back up to her ear.

“Well, you called to check in, and you’ve checked in, so I guess I’ll see you-“

“ _I want to meet him!_ ”

“You WHAT?!” the Slayer demanded.

“ _Well, he sounds nice enough, but you know how it is - I have to make sure of these things._ ”

“I’m down for a meet and greet!” Damien said aloud.

“I’M NOT!” the Slayer snapped.

“ _Sorry Aaravi, but I’m not taking no for an answer._ ” Beli said in a slightly teasing voice, which only infuriated the monster slayer more. “ _Why don’t we meet at Glenberry Mall in two hours? That’s not too much of a drive for you, is it?_ ”

“I can drive!” Damien shouted.

“ _Then it’s a date! See you two then!_ ” And with that, Beli hung up.

The Slayer glared daggers at Damien. “So…what kind of outfit do you think I should wear to this meeting, honey? I want to make a good impression on your family.”

The Slayer lunged onto the demon and stabbed him in the chest several more times with the silver cross that had its bottom half molded into a sharp point. After the rage stabbing, the demon coughed up yet more black blood, but was otherwise still smiling. “Worth it.” he wheezed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this crossover's been pretty one-sided so far. It's mostly just been Kyu watching over the usual Monster Prom shenanigans with the odd cameo by Celeste and Momo.
> 
> Let's fix that, shall we?
> 
> Next time, monsters cross the veil into OUR world...


	9. Crossing the Veil

“You SURE this is a good idea, Aaravi?” Valerie asked.

“Of COURSE it’s not a good idea!” the Slayer said. “But thanks to Hellbitchboy over here, my cousin thinks she’s about to meet my new boyfriend so now I HAVE to bring him along to avoid suspicion!”

“Okay, I know you set me free, which means I’m now free to stab you and/or set you on fire.” Damien said. “But this shit’s been so entertaining, I wanna see where it goes.”

“I hate you so fucking much.” the Slayer said.

“Okay, portal crystal is all warmed up.” Valerie reported. “We’re good to go.”

“Where are we even going?” Damien asked. “Where the fuck is ‘Glenberry?’”

“You’ll see…” the Slayer said.

The pale blue crystal hummed and sung as it glowed ever brighter, finally spawning a blue portal large enough for a small group of people to slip through. The trio of monsters marched through the portal, journeying through time and space, and eventually landing in an alley in some unknown town.

The Slayer waved a hand over the green crystal on the collar of her leather armor, and muttered a single magic word. In a flurry of ancient magic, her clothes changed. Her cloak and leather armor suddenly disappeared, replaced by more casual clothes - ripped up blue jeans and a black t-shirt with the Punisher logo on it. Even her face changed - her pointy, elven ears became more rounded and normal, her light purple hair turned black, and even her eyes lost their green coloration, replaced by fuchsia.

No longer was she the Slayer. In this world, in this form, she was just Aaravi Lapran - your typical Indian-American girl next door.

“Wait…you’re human?!” Damien asked.

“Of COURSE I’m human, you idiot.” Aaravi said. “Why do you think I hunt monsters?”

“I thought you were just an asshole.” Damien said.

Valerie had also transformed, though not as dramatically. She still had her regular clothes and dyed-pink hair, but gone was her purple fur, whiskers, ears, everything that made her a cat girl. Now she was just a…girl. With soft, caucasian, human flesh. Damien looked between the now human-looking girls, and came to a realization.

“What the - you’re human too?!” he asked Valerie.

“So are you.” Valerie coyly said as she pointed to a nearby window. Damien walked over to the window to check his reflection.

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!” he screamed. His red skin! His tail! His _fucking horns!_ Where did they go?! “What did you fuckers do to me?!” Damien demanded with a snarl.

“Dude, relax, it’s just a glamor.” Valerie said.

“What the fuck do I need a glamor for?!” Damien asked.

“It’s so we can blend in.” Aaravi said.

“Yeah, if the humans saw a purple cat person and a literal, actual demon walking around, they’d totally freak out.” Valerie added. “Well, either that or they’d mistake us for cosplayers and bug us for pictures, which is always annoying.”

“Wait. Humans?” Damien asked. He ran out to the entrance of the alley and looked out on all the street, seeing all the normal people going about their normal day.

“What the fuck, we’re in the _Human World?!_ ” Damien said.

“ _Yes_ , we’re meeting my cousin, remember?” Aaravi asked.

“She’s human too?!”

“Yes! Because I’M human!” Aaravi said.

“But Val said that was just a glamor!” Damien said.

“No, you and me are glamoured. Aaravi’s a legit human.” Valerie said. “C’mon, dude. Keep up.”

“But…I…you……GAAAAAAH!!!” Thoroughly confused, Damien vented his frustration the only way he knew how - by kicking over a nearby garbage can.

“Look, I’ll explain everything on the way. Aaravi, lead on.” Valerie said.

*****

Beli jogged over and hugged the shorter Lapran as soon as she saw her approach. “Aaravi! It’s so good to see you, it’s been an eternity!”

“Argh!” Aaravi growled. “It’s only been a week, Beli!”

“I know! It’s like you’re practically a stranger these days!” Beli gushed.

“Hey Bels.” said a familiar, pink-haired punk rock girl.

“Oh, hello, Valerie.” Beli said. “Oh, and THIS must be Damien…”

“Sup.” the definitely-human boy said with a smirk. The dark-haired young man was dressed casually in a brown leather jacket over a grey shirt with black pants and brown hiking boots.

“Oh my.” Beli said as a blush came over her. “He’s _very_ handsome.” she whispered to her cousin.

Aaravi growled as she heard Damien snicker. “Okay Beli, you met Damien, and oh look at the time, we gotta go!”

“But you just got here.” Beli said with a pout. “What’s been going on with you lately? It’s like we never talk anymore…”

 _Oh no, not the Beli eyes…_ Aaravi thought to herself.

Beli pouted at the younger, shorter Lapran as her large fuchsia eyes began to quiver.

_Damn it! Every fucking time!_

Aaravi groaned in defeat as she allowed a now happier Beli to drag her over to the food court and take a seat at one of the tables, quickly joined by Valerie and Damien. “So, how have things been going with your new delivery job?”

“…Yes…my delivery job.” Aaravi said. “That’s what I do. I deliver things. _And nothing else._ ”

“Delivery?” Damien asked. “I thought you were a mon-“

“Monday Worker?!” Aaravi snapped. “Nope! Don’t work on Mondays, luckily, so I’ve got tomorrow off! _Lucky me, right?!_ ” she said with several winks.

“…Something wrong with your eye?” Damien asked.

It was then that Beli’s cell phone started going off. “Oh shoot! Hold that thought, I have to take this.” the taller Lapran then excused herself. As soon as her cousin was out of earshot, Aaravi kicked Damien’s shin.

“Ah! Fuck!” Damien swore.

“You asshole! You almost blew my cover!” Aaravi hissed.

“Cover?” Damien asked.

“Beli doesn’t know I’m a Monster Slayer.” Aaravi began to explain. She touched the green gem necklace around her neck. “When I discovered that monsters are real, and was nearly devoured by a Lizardman, the Goddess of the Hunt herself saved me. She then said that she saw great potential in me, and taught me the ways of the Hunt. She named me her champion and blessed me with this gem, telling me that I now had the power to-“

“Fucking hell, I didn’t ask for your life story.” Damien said.

Aaravi growled for the umpteenth time that day. It was a wonder her throat wasn’t sore by now. “The TL;DR version is your standard _majokko_ kinda setup.” Valerie summarized. “Eternal fight against evil, double-life unknown to family, magical transformations, you know, the works.”

“Majokko?!” Aaravi snapped. “Don’t you fucking compare what I do to that weaboo shit! Do I LOOK like Sailor Fucking Moon to you?!”

“I dunno - I mean, you DO transform into a more magical form every time you touch that gem of yours and say the magic word.” Valerie said. “That sounds pretty Sailor Moon to me.”

“Except I don’t go prancing around in frilly pink dresses, flashing my panties to sexually frustrated otakus!” Aaravi ranted. She sighed as she turned to Damien, who by now could not and would not wipe that fucking smirk off his face. “Point is, Beli doesn’t know I’m a Monster Slayer, nor does she even know that monsters like you _exist_. And if you knew what was good for you, you’ll help me keep it that way!”

Damien sighed. “ _Fine._ Kind of a shame your cousin’s human though. She’s hot for a human.”

“…Don’t you fucking dare.” Aaravi said.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re cute and feisty and all, but Beli’s got some _curves_ on her.” Damien said with a grin.

Aaravi punched Damien in the face, knocking him to the ground.

“Oh my!” Beli said as she came over. “Did you just punch Damien in the face?”

“She sure did!” Damien said, not missing a beat, as he stood up with a fresh black eye. “Cuz that’s how we roll! Don’t kink shame us.”

“I hate you so fucking much.” Aaravi bluntly stated.

“You love me, don’t deny it.” Damien teased.

“Okay, I’m confused.” Beli said with a sigh. “Are you two-“

“No!” Aaravi snapped.

“Yep!” Damien snapped. Aaravi stomped on his foot, though if anything he seemed to enjoy it.

“It’s complicated.” Valerie said. Beli nodded, seemingly satisfied with that.

“Well, sorry to cut the reunion short, but I have to go.” Beli said. “My lunch break has lasted too long already and work is calling me back.”

“Damn, that gym you teach yoga at is really workin’ you over, huh?” Aaravi idly asked.

“…Yes…my yoga instructing job.” Beli said. “That’s what I do. I instruct yoga. _And nothing else._ ”

Aaravi nodded. It was good to know that, between the two of them, Beli was the one with the normal life. Someone had to be normal in this family.

*****

After Beli went back to work, the three high schoolers lingered in the mall, mostly at Valerie’s insistence as she started buying a bunch of clothes and toys. “Wow Val - didn’t take you for a shopaholic.” Damien observed.

“I am, but not for the reasons you think.” Valerie said. “Bootleg merchandise from the human world is makes up almost half of my inventory. The monster dollar goes a lot further this side of the veil. I buy stuff here, then resell it back home for a profit.”

“…Shit, that’s clever.” Damien said as he started looking around the shops, wondering what he could sell to some dumb noob back in Monstropolis for a quick buck.

“Ah, this is just a routine cross-dimensional smuggling operation. Nuthin’ fancy.” Valerie humble-bragged.

“Surprised ‘Aaravi’ here never tried to bust you.” Damien said. Aaravi growled at Damien’s casual use of her pedestrian name.

“That’s because we have an arrangement.” Valerie said. “She helps me smuggle goods out of the human world, and in exchange, she gets a discount on all my weapons and other equipment.”

“Hmm…” Damien said as he stroked his chin in thought. “You know, I could always use some new weapons. You lookin’ for a second accomplice, Val?”

Aaravi gave her disguised neko friend her best pleading ‘please don’t’ stare. Valerie chuckled before answering. “Sorry Damien, but smuggling work requires a good amount of subtlety, which isn’t exactly your strong suit.”

“WHAT?! I’M CRAZY-SUBTLE!” Damien shouted loud enough for his voice to echo off the cavernous walls of the mall.

“…Yeah, no you’re not.” Valerie bluntly told the demon.

“I AM TOO, AND I’LL PROVE IT!!!” Damien shouted. And like that, he ran away, cackling madly the whole way.

“…Wait.” Aaravi said. “Did he just fucking run on us?”

“Sure looks that way.” Valerie said. “There is now a demon literally on the loose in your hometown.”

“…OH SON OF A BITCH!!!” Aaravi snapped as the full implications of that sunk in.

“Yeah, you should probably do something about that.” Valerie said. “You know - that kinda thing being your job and all.”

Aaravi didn’t even give the cat girl in disguise a glare as she gave chase after Damien.

*****

“Fuckin’ feline bitch, tellin’ me I can’t be subtle.” Damien growled as he naruto-ran through the mall. “I can be subtle! I’m gonna start a super-subtle fire here in this mall! That’ll show her! People won’t even notice the flesh melting off their faces!”

It was then that he bumped into someone, knocking them to the ground as he too fell over.

“What the fuck, asshole?!”

“I’M the asshole?!” Damien said as he stood up, dusted himself off, and lorded over the short redhead with his vastly superior height. “Here’s a hint - if a guy is sprinting, don’t stand in his way, dumbass!”

“DUMBASS?!” the red-haired girl said as she shot up. “Who the fuck runs through a mall?!”

“Someone trying to prove a point!”

“What’s that?! That you’re dumb as shit?!”

“No! That NO ONE STANDS IN MY FUCKING WAY!!! NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!!!”

The girl busted out laughing. “Holy shit! Are you even HEARING yourself right now?”

“Whatever - like I give a shit about what someone who wears a dress like THAT cares.”

“Um, excuse you, bitch?”

“You look like a K-Pop reject.”

“And you look like you’re fucking homeless with that jacket.”

“Hey! Don’t you fucking knock my lucky jacket! See this bloodstain? This was from last Mardi Gras!”

“YOU were at Mardi Gras? Like YOUR poor-ass could afford it!”

“There you are.” Aaravi said. “Damien, we need to-“

“Not now, I’m rolling.” Damien said as he put up a hand to Aaravi. “Just because I don’t dress like my grandparents’ possessed doll doesn’t mean I’m poor. It just means I’ve got taste.”

“Buddy, don’t talk to me about taste wearing THOSE boots. Someone needs to call the World Health Organization, because I’m pretty sure you’re carrying diseases on those things.”

“If anything, I’m carrying BLOOD-BORN diseases, because these puppies have stomped my enemies into paste!”

“Audrey?” a blonde girl asked as she approached the redhead. “What’s -“

“Not now, I’m rolling.” Audrey said as she put up a hand to the blonde. “You fuck people up with those boots, huh? Well points for psychological warfare, because those things are so ugly, it probably fucking demoralizes them!”

“Yes! It does! That’s the idea!”

“Ha! You admit they’re ugly!”

“Yeah! Cuz I’m okay with the way my clothes look! I don’t go around wearing a loud-ass dress whoring for attention! If you want attention that badly, just set something on fire! It’s more dignified than that fucking circus tent you’re wearing around your hips!”

“Fuck you, asshole!”

“No! Fuck YOU. Asshole!”

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck you!”

“FUCK YOU TO THE NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL WHERE I AWAIT TO TORMENT YOUR SOUL FOR ALL ETERNITY!”

The redhead paused at that. Damien smirked, confidant that he had won. She then took out a little paper card and a pen and wrote something on it. She handed it to the demon. He took it and raised an eyebrow. “The fuck is this?”

“My number.” she replied. “Name’s Audrey, by the way. Come at me sometime if you REALLY wanna get crazy.”

“Damien.” the demon replied. “And I don’t think I will. No offense but, puny humans like you? You really can’t handle me when _I_ go full crazy.”

“I’ll take THAT as a fucking challenge.” Audrey purred as she walked away, tossing him a wink before disappearing around the corner. Her blonde friend hesitantly followed. Damien looked down and eyeballed the phone number before stuffing it into his pocket.

*****

Once Valerie was satisfied with her haul of human knick-knacks, patty-whacks, and yes - bones for the dogs (werewolves pay top monster dollar for chicken bones), the three of them reconvened in the alley where they were dropped off. One portal jump later, they were back in Aaravi’s apartment. She muttered the magic word as she clutched her green gem necklace, and poof - she was the Slayer again.

“…So, am I free to go or what?” Damien said.

The Slayer angry-sighed. “Fine. Go. But do NOT tell ANYONE at school about the fact that I’m human, or my family, or any of that other stuff! You got that?”

Damien scoffed. “Come on - why would I tell anyone about your stupid double-life?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler Alert:
> 
> He's totally going to tell someone about the Slayer's stupid double life.


	10. The Dawn of the Second Week

Monday morning. Once again, the foursome were forced to wake up much earlier than high school students should, but this time it was eased by the sheer deliciousness of Momo’s breakfast. Seriously, where did a cat girl that could barely spell her own name learn to cook that good? 

The four of them met Kyu at their usual meeting place - the big tree on the hill that overlooked much of the schoolyard. It was the beginning of a new week, and the beginning of the next phase of Operation: Prom Night. “Alright!” Kyu said as she consulted her personal Huniebee, which helped her keep track of everyone’s affection towards everyone else. “Let’s start with the most hopeless of you. Oz, your crush shot you down like you were flying in foreign air space. How you feelin’, Champ?”

“Like I’ve been cheated out of my one and only chance at happiness and now that it’s gone, I’m doomed to a lifetime of loneliness and regret.” Oz said.

Kyu rolled her eyes. “Listen Oz - rejection is part of life. Even _my_ awesome dating advice can’t win you the girl every time. As a wise human once said - it’s not about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can _get_ hit, and stand back up again. It’s time to get over Polly and start looking for a new crush.”

“A new crush?” Oz asked. “But…who?”

“Hey - plenty of sexy monsters in this school. Shop around.” Kyu said with a wink. “If you need help narrowing down your candidates, my advice is to try and find someone whose most desired trait correlates with your highest stat.”

“My highest stat?” Oz asked.

“Check your Huniebee profile.” Kyu said. “It keeps track of your flirtation, romance, talent, and sexuality scores.”

Oz brought up his profile and read his stats aloud. “I have a three in romance, a two in talent, and one in flirtation and sexuality.”

“Well there you go!” Kyu replied. “No wonder you struck out with Polly. Her most desired trait was sexuality - you couldn’t play to your biggest strength with her. Your goal for today - find somebody that likes romance. Moving right along, Amira.”

The djinn groaned.

“You know, most guys would consider getting lit on fire a turn-off.” Kyu explained. “But lucky for you, Scott isn’t most guys. In hindsight, it was a good call on your part - crushing on someone with the IQ of a peeled orange. Just give him some bacon and he’ll probably forget it ever happened.”

“Oh, I am gonna smother him in SO MUCH BACON!!!” Amira said.

“Brian.” Kyu said as she turned to the zombie next. “In my professional opinion, I think you’d actually be making good progress with Liam if a certain ‘witch’ didn’t keep third-wheeling you. So I think it’s time for a little teamwork. Oz, Amira, Vicky - one of you three run interference with Zoey next time she tries to third-wheel Brian, okay? The Game of Love is sometimes a team sport, so don’t be afraid to lend your fellow player a hand.”

“No sweat!” Amira cheered. “Don’t worry, Brian! We’ve got your back!” she said as she slapped the zombie’s shoulder, lighting a small fire on it. He sighed. And that was a new jacket too.

“Finally, Vicky.” Kyu said. “You’re actually doing the best out of all of us, right now.”

“Really?!” Vicky replied, excited.

“Yup! And you did it by _telling Vera about the magic perfume I gave you._ ”

“…Are you still mad about that?” Vicky asked.

“Yes I’m still mad!” Kyu shouted. “Who knows what kind of damage that perfume could do in the wrong hands!”

“What’s the big deal? It’s just perfume.” Vicky replied with a shrug.

“It’s enchanted perfume that gave you enough talent to _wipe out a leprechaun death squad._ ” Kyu said. “Which is why, as of now, you’re on perfume lock out.”

“What?!” Vicky demanded. “Oh, come on!”

“Sorry Vicky, but great game comes with great responsibility. Responsibility that you’re clearly not ready for.” Kyu said. “Besides, at this point, you don’t even need the perfume anymore. You’re already in Vera’s good books, and all the perfume ever did was enhance what was already there. It wouldn’t have done shit if you didn’t have any talent to begin with. So no more perfume. Got it?”

Vicky sighed. “Got it…”

“Good.” Kyu said. “Alright, gang! Get out there and talk to some monsters!”

*****

Crushes. Crushes. Who else but Polly could Oz crush on? As they looked around the halls of Spooky High, they had no idea who. Polly was a goddess of forbidden pleasures - who else could compete with that?

That’s when they spotted her - Polly. Talking about something with Miranda by the mermaid’s locker. Something girly, most likely. They knew it was going against Kyu’s advice, but Oz couldn’t help it. They were drawn to Polly like a moth to a flame.

As they found themselves drifting closer, they couldn’t help but hear the conversation between the two girls.

“Ah, Monsterland was so much fun last weekend! Thank you ever so much again for inviting me, Polly!” Miranda said.

“We went to Monsterland last weekend?” Polly asked.

“Yes. Don’t you remember?”

“Not really. Though I was probably _super high_ at the time. Kinda like how I’m high right now!”

“High on _what_ , exactly?”

“Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. I just found some mysterious white powder on the floor in my house and just snorted that shit. I’m starting to think I might have a problem.”

Polly…didn’t remember last night? She broke Oz’s heart and didn’t even remember it?!

…Wait. She doesn’t remember breaking their heart.

She doesn’t remember rejecting them! Oz has a second chance!

Oz checked Polly’s profile on their Huniebee. Most desired trait, sexuality. Least desired trait…romance?! Noooo! That’s their highest stat!

…High enough to maybe cancel out Polly’s dislike of that trait! It was worth a shot. Like Kyu said, the reason they struck out before was because they weren’t playing to their strength. That’ll be different this time!

They looked around for something - anything - that was romantic. They spied a nearby dryad smoking a joint further down the hallway. Perfect! He would be too high to notice the shadow taking out a pair of scissors and snipping all the beautiful flowers out of his leaf-like hair. Alright, he had a bouquet now. What else…

“Aw man…” Scott sighed as he walked by. “My pen pal from West Virginia sent me this box of chocolates, but I can’t eat any of it. It’s poisonous to my canine digestion system!”

“I’ll take it.” Oz offered.

“Wow! Thanks, Amira’s friend!” Scott said as he handed the chocolate to Oz. The shadow was so psyched! He now had a bouquet, chocolates, just one more thing…

He then spied a slime monster, dressed like a greaser, combing its ‘hair.’ “Hey, can I borrow your comb?” Oz asked.

“Sure thing, little Daddy-O.” the slime said as he handed Oz the comb. They used the comb to comb their own ‘hair’ back, the slime’s natural, er, slime, making good hair gel for the purpose. “Thanks.” they said as they handed back the comb. He was ready now!

They marched to the far side of the hall - they’d need a running start to pull this off. Once they were in position, that’s when they took off running towards Polly and Miranda! At the halfway point, he dropped to his knees and powerslided the rest of the way there.

“I LOVE YOOOOOUUUUU!!!” Oz shouted as they finally slowed to a stop holding up the bouquet and chocolates to…..

Miranda? Shit! Their aim was off!

“Why…Oz…” Miranda said as she daintily placed her hand on her collarbone, royal body language for shock.

“Uh, I can explain!” Oz panicked.

“I never knew you felt this way about me! I’m flattered!” Miranda said.

“…You are?” Oz asked.

“Indeed!” Miranda said. “I’m surprised as well. You’ve always seemed like such a shy little shadow. To overcome that shyness and profess your feelings so boldly, your passions must have reached the boiling point! Oh, but….I couldn’t possibly…”

“Go for it, Miranda!” Polly gushed. “I don’t remember much about Monsterland, but I do remember that Oz is a totally cool guy who doesn’t pretend to know about freaky sexual positions just to get laid!”

“…Yes! That is correct!” Oz replied, deciding to just go with it.

“…Oh, very well!” Miranda said as she took the flowers and chocolates. “Oz, I hereby recognize you as one of my suitors.” The mermaid then tossed the shadow a wink. “Be warned though - it’ll take more than a single display of untamed emotion to become _my_ paramour.”

*****

“So you just gave Scott a box of beef jerky and everything’s cool now?” Brian asked.

“Yup! Just like Kyu said. He and I even have a date tonight!” Amira bragged. The two monsters were ditching class in the bathroom, slowly increasing their boldness.

“Wow. Lucky for you Scott’s the forgiving type.” Brian observed.

“Yeah, well - the doctors gave him a LOT of vicodin. He doesn’t really remember everything that happened that night.” Amira explained. “So, hey - clean slate! Just what I needed!”

“Wish I could get that with Liam. A clean slate.” Brian sighed. “Specifically, a clean slate without Zoey on it. So basically, I wanna get rid of Zoey.”

“Right, right.” Amira said. “Well, with Scott back in my pocket, I think I’ve got time to help you out. Come on.”

The djinn and the zombie made their way out of the bathroom and into the back field. “There.” Amira said as she pointed to Liam sitting at a lunch bench with - 

“Zoey…” Brian growled.

“Damn - you’ve really got it in for that witch, huh?” Amira asked.

“At this point, she’s basically my arch nemesis.” Brian replied. “You go distract her, pry her away from Liam, and I’ll go talk to him.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Amira said. “You stay here. Once Zoey is out of sight, you move in.”

*****

“And that is why every spaghetti western movie is not only horrifically inaccurate, but also racist.” Zoey said.

“Wow.” Liam said. “I knew it was problematic before, but I had no idea…”

“Zoey!” Amira said as she jogged over. “I need your help with something!”

“Really?” Zoey asked, excited at the prospect of being helpful.

The djinn held up her phone. “This guy on social media says that all djinns live in lamps and give people wishes. I need help explaining why that’s racist!”

“Amira. You’ve come to the right witch. Right as in ‘correct’, by the way. Not as in political leaning.” Zoey said. She turned to Liam. “Be back in a few moments, Liam. Duty calls.”

As he watched the two girls rush behind a tree to educate the masses on djinn culture, Brian seized his chance and limped over to the bench. “Hey Liam.” he said. The vampire had been sipping on his carbonated blood when he looked up at the zombie.

“Oh. Hello, Brian.” Liam said, sounding a little awkward. It was here that Brian suddenly realized that he didn’t really know what to say to Liam, exactly. He had been so focused on trying to talk to him, that he never really thought about what, exactly, they would talk about.

“…So, did you hear about this new band Screaming Wieners?” Brian asked. “It’s a rap group that mixes the sound of whimpering dachshunds into all their songs.”

Liam sighed. “Brian, I’m not sure if we can hang out anymore.”

“…What?” Brian asked, his shoulders sagging.

“Well, it’s just…how should I say this?” Liam said. “Don’t get me wrong, you have fine taste in music and fashion, which I admire.”

The vampire took out his smart phone. “However, Zoey did some digging and found THIS on your Instagram.” He showed Brian the image.

It was of Brian, taking a selfie with his three friends - Oz, Vicky and Amira.

“Explain yourself.” Liam demanded.

“…I was hanging out with friends?” Brian replied, not sure what the problem was.

“In THAT shirt?” Liam pressed. Brian squinted harder at the image…

…And realized he was wearing a ‘#TeamJacob’ shirt.

“…I can explain.”

“Oh, _can you_?”

“Listen - I was wearing it ironically!”

“Exactly! You were wearing it ironically _last year._ Making fun of Twilight doesn’t impress anyone anymore. 2010 called, it wants its punchline back.”

“But-“

“Also, your friend Oz is rumored to have problematic opinions about harpies. I haven’t really found anything to confirm that beyond mere hearsay, but I can’t afford the risk to my social justice credibility.”

“But-“

“I’m sorry, Brian. But I have nothing more to say to you.”

And just like that, Liam pulled out a book and promptly buried his nose in it. Dejected, Brian shuffled away.

*****

“Wait, so this is primordial, the language of elementals?” Zoey asked as she looked at the text on Amira’s phone. “Looks more like Arabic, to me.”

The djinn scoffed. “Yeah, Arabic. That’s what the _humans_ started calling it after they _appropriated it_ from my people!”

“Oh my! I had no idea.” Zoey said.

It was then that Brian shuffled over, leering at the witch. “Oh, why hello, Brian! How are you?” Zoey asked as the zombie approached.

“Amira. Can you excuse us a moment?” Brian asked.

“Uh, okay…” Amira said as she walked away to give the zombie and witch some space. Once she was out of earshot, Brian turned to Zoey.

“The hell is your problem, Zoey?” Brian demanded.

“Why, whatever do you mean?” Zoey asked.

“You showed Liam an instagram photo of me wearing a #TeamJacob t-shirt!” Brian said. “It totally ruined my chances with him.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Zoey said. “Well, it’s sad, but maybe it’s for the best? Liam was never really a good fit for you, anyway. See, Liam is the type of person who would prefer someone more…unique. More stylish. More independent in thought. Someone like…”

“…Someone like you.” Brian said, as the pieces all suddenly came together.

Zoey wore an evil smirk. “You said it, not me.” she said. “Now I know what you’re thinking - trying to date a male? _So_ heteronormative, but to be honest, that’s part of the thrill for me. It feels like a forbidden romance. Now, if you’ll excuse me…”

On that note, she turned on her heel and all but skipped back to the bench where Liam was sitting. Brian just stood there for the longest moment. Silent, as he often was.

“…That’s it. I’m eating her.” Brian said.

*****

Vicky felt like she was on top of the world. Vera had invited the flesh golem to eat lunch with her! An actual invitation! And when she took her seat, the gorgon didn’t even insist that she be on the opposite side of the table! She just stipulated that Vicky maintain a three-foot distance at all times! At this rate, the prom date of her dreams was as good as hers!

Vera sneered down at her rollex. “Where IS he? He’s two minutes and twenty-five seconds late. Twenty-six. Twenty-seven.”

“Hey Vera!” Damien said as he ran up to the table and sat across from the two girls.

“Two minutes and twenty-seven seconds. Congratulations Damien - this is a new record for you.” Vera said.

“Wait what? No way - I’ve been WAY later than this.” Damien replied. “But forget that shit - I had a hell of a day yesterday! Get this - the Slayer’s a human! She’s got family in the human world and everything!”

“That’s nice, Damien.” Vera replied.

“No, I’m serious!” Damien said. “I went to the human world with the Slayer, I met her family, and her cousin has bangin’ curves!”

“Yes, I’m sure she does.” Vera went on.

“Come on! The Slayer’s real name is Aaravi Lapran! How am I supposed to enjoy telling you all her personal secrets if you don’t care?!” Damien ranted.

“Damien, we have more important matters to discuss.” Vera said. “Now then, I called for this lunch meeting to discuss my latest business venture. As you two are no-doubt aware, Monster Prom is in two weeks.”

“Yes…” Vicky replied, daring to hope.

“Now, Vicky. I would like…”

“Yes!”

“To ask you…”

“Oh God Yes!”

“To help me become Prom Queen.”

“…Oh. I mean, sure!”

“Excellent.” Vera said.

“Why do you wanna be prom queen?” Damien asked.

“Good question, Damien.” Vera said. “Normally, I couldn’t care less about shallow popularity contests like these, but after thinking long and hard on it, I’ve realized it’s an opportunity I can’t afford to pass up. For one, it’s good branding - I can easily push my own line of dresses, tiaras and perfumes as prom queen. Second, and more importantly, I can’t risk the title going to some uppity bitch who thinks she’s better than I am just because she’s wearing a stupid crown.”

*****

“Oh!” Miranda gasped, momentarily startling Oz as they ate lunch together on the other side of the cafeteria. “My ears are burning! A dear friend must be speaking of me right now.”

*****

“Okay, but how are you gonna get elected Prom Queen?” Damien asked. “Like you said, it’s a popularity contest. And while you’re definitely _feared_ around the school, I think this is one of those things where you need to be _loved_ , too.”

Vicky opened her mouth.

“By people other than Vicky.”

Vicky closed her mouth.

“Yes, therein lies the dilemma.” Vera said. “My original plan was to conduct a blood ritual to ensure my victory, but the necessary reagents are difficult to acquire. However, last Saturday evening, my dear Vicky unwittingly showed me a much more cost-efficient route to victory.”

“I did?” Vicky asked.

“The perfume. Remember?” Vera asked. “Having enchanted perfume that enhances my talent would make me _unstoppable_ as prom queen. Just bring me a bottle or two and I’ll take care of the rest.”

Vicky gulped. Uh-oh. “Uh…I don’t know about that…” Vicky nervously said.

“Oh?” Vera asked. “Why not?” Her smile faded, and a wave of disapproval loomed over Vicky’s head.

“…Well…” Think, Vicky. Think! “It’s my supplier. Apparently, the feds are looking into her operation and she’s getting cagey on me. She’s refusing to move any more product until the heat dies down.” The flesh golem idly wondered if she should be concerned with how good she was getting at lying.

“Is that so?” Vera asked. “Well, maybe we can…’persuade’ her to make a special case for us. Vicky, I think it’s time you told me who your supplier is.”

Vicky scoffed. “Nice try, Vera. But I’m not-“

“It’s Ms. Sugardust from Sex Ed, isn’t it?” Vera asked.

Vicky blinked. “How did you know?” she asked.

“I suspected it the moment I laid eyes on that bottle. I smuggled enough exotic goods back in middle school to know fairy magic when I see it.” Vera explained. “Now then, here’s what’s going to happen. After last bell, you’re going to pay Ms. Sugardust a visit and see if you can’t convince her to give you some of that perfume. _By any means necessary._ Think you can do that?”

“…Totally!” Vicky said as she gave the gorgon two thumbs way up, trying her hardest not to panic on the inside.

*****

The only time Kyu couldn’t really coach her little proteges from the sidelines was during class hours because, well, she had classes to teach. And papers to grade. As she sat at her desk, stamping F’s on all the students who knew worryingly little about the vagina, Kyu couldn’t help but wonder how the color crew was faring.

Poor Oz is probably still too hung up on Polly to move on, assuming of course he had the courage to approach anyone at all.

*****

“Oh, it was a delightful time spending time with you, my dear Oz.” Miranda said as the last bell of the day rang. “But alas, I must adjourn back to my lodgings and retire for the evening. But I look forward to our next meeting tomorrow.”

She gave him her royal handkerchief before climbing into a royal carriage pulled land sharks, which then pulled away from the school entrance. Oz looked down in amazement at the handkerchief. That’s like, second base with Miranda!

*****

Amira was hopefully having some luck patching things up with Scott.

*****

“I love you Bacon Mama!” Scott cheered as he scarfed down yet more bacon that Amira was all too pleased to sizzle up for him.

“Yes. YES. Eat more, my lupine concubine…” Amira said with a perverse smile.

*****

Vicky was probably doing something illegal with Vera.

*****

“So…don’t suppose you know how to break into a love fairy’s apartment?” Vicky asked.

“Oh yeah, totally.” Damien said. “First of all, make sure to wear gloves. Everything in a love fairy’s is usually sticky. For exactly the reasons you’re thinking.”

*****

Really, it made her thankful for Brian. He was by far the most chill and level-headed member of the group. He can always be counted on not to do anything too crazy.

*****

There was a knock at the Coven’s door. “Zoey? Can you get that?” Joy asked as she, Faith, and Hope were all studying a large tome.

“Sure thing, mistress!” Zoey said as she skipped over to the door.

“Please stop calling me that.” Joy said.

Zoey opened the front door to the Coven’s flat and saw it was Brian.

“Brian?” Zoey asked. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, you see Zoey, I’ve been doing some thinking and, while I’m disappointed that I lost Liam to you, I just wanted to let you know that I don’t hold anything against you.” Brian explained.

“Well, thank you, Brian. That’s awfully mature of you.” Zoey said.

“Yeah. And just to show there’s no hard feelings, I brought you a gift.” Brian said.

“Oh? What kind of gift?” Zoey asked.

“A book.” Brian said as he gave Zoey the book in question.

“Hmmm…’To Serve Woman.’” Zoey read the title aloud. “Oooh, is this some kind of feminist essay?”

“Something like that.” Brian said as he unfolded a burlap sack large enough to fit a person inside while Zoey was busy flipping through its pages.

*****

As she was on her way back to her apartment, Kyu’s huniebee dinged. She checked it and smiled. “Aw, he wants to invite me to dinner with him and his friends! Brian’s the best!”

Thus, she made a slight detour to the color crew’s flat, wondering what would be for dinner.


	11. Guess Who's For Dinner

Vicky knocked on the door before opening. “Brian?” she called as as she entered the flat, followed by Oz and Amira. “Briiiiaaaan? What’s this about dinner?” she called.

“I’m in the back!” Brian called. The other three monsters went through the back door into the back yard. There they found Brian, wearing a chef’s hat and a “kiss the zombie” smock. He was dousing a pile of firewood and charcoal with lighter fluid. Stones surrounded the pile of wood to keep it contained, because Brian is a responsible cook. Set up above the large fire pit was a large cooking spit, which looked long enough and sturdy enough to hold…

“Is that Zoey?” Vicky asked.

The witch was tied and gagged around the spit, struggling to get free. She’d likely be screaming and crying were it not for the ball gag in her mouth. “Eeeyup.” Brian said. “Turns out, Zoey here wasn’t just third wheeling me - she was going after Liam too. And as the old zombie saying goes, if you can’t beat ‘em, eat ‘em.”

“MMMMPH MMMPH!!!” Zoey protested.

“Anyways, any of you guys want some?” Brian asked. “I mean, I know you guys aren’t as big on cannibalism as I am, but…?”

“…Meh. I’ll try anything once.” Amira shrugged.

“Same!” Vicky said.

“I dunno…” Oz said as they took a closer look at Zoey. “She doesn’t really really have that much meat on her bones.”

“That’s a good thing. Means she’s lean.” Brian said. “Too much fat is unhealthy, and really, it’s just gross.”

“Hey there fam.” Kyu said as she hovered into the back yard. “I got WHAT THE FUCK?!?!”

“Augh!” Amira grunted. “A little louder, Kyu? My right ear couldn’t quite catch that.” she grumbled as she rubbed the poor ear that was within Kyu’s shrieking distance.

“Why is Zoey tied to a barbecue spit?!” Kyu demanded.

“Cuz she’s what’s for dinner.” Brian said. He checked his cookbook. “Okay, do I season her before, or after I start the fire?….After, okay. Amira?”

“On it!” Amira said as she conjured a pair of flames in her hands, prompting an already hysterical Zoey to panic even more.

“Okay - you guys need to FUCKING CHILL!!!” Kyu said as she floated between Amira and Zoey. “We are NOT roasting Zoey alive and eating her!”

“Kyu’s right.” Vicky said. “The more humane thing would be to snap her neck before we cook.”

“But then she won’t be as fresh.” Brian replied. “It’s like cooking lobsters. The entire point is to cook ‘em while they’re still alive.”

“Oh come on, it would only take a second.” Vicky said.

“Plus, her agonized screaming could get us in trouble.” Oz said. “Our landlord threatened to kick us out if we get another noise complaint, remember?”

“Well, duh. What did you think the ball gag was for?” Brian pointed out.

“ENOUGH!” Kyu shouted as her wings fluttered in indignation. “You are all letting her go RIGHT NOW or I’m cutting you all off! No more love coaching! You would all be ON YOUR OWN for getting dates to Monster Prom!”

The threat of losing their romantic lifeline spurred the four monsters to action. Brian used the butcher knife he was going to use for other purposes to cut Zoey down. Once she was loose, Vicky and Oz picked her up and helped her to her feet. Amira, being a creature of pure fire, stayed far away from the barbecue pit.

Zoey ripped off her gag as she ran over to Kyu. “IT WAS A COOKBOOK!!!” she screamed. “‘IT WAS A COOKBOOK!!!”

She turned to the color crew and pointed an accusing finger at them. “You’re all MONSTERS!!!”

The shadow, djinn, zombie, and flesh golem all looked at her quizzically. “…Well, you’re not _wrong._ ” Oz said.

“Come on, Zoey. Let’s take you home.” Kyu said. She turned and gave the four monsters a withering look. “I’ll deal with YOU guys later!” On that note, she flew off, carrying Zoey bridal-style.

“…Well, there goes dinner.” Amira said. “Who’s up for pizza?”

“Yeah, no.” Brian said. “I’ll go down to the market and get some fresh boo york steaks. I didn’t spend an hour setting up this pit just to eat take-out. We’re roasting _something_ over an open fire tonight, damn it.”

“Now hold on a second.” Vicky interrupted the conversation. “Why did Kyu get so pissy at us for trying to eat Zoey?”

“Well, she’s a teacher.” Oz said with a shrug. “And trying to eat fellow students _is_ against the rules.”

“Yeah, but since when does Kyu care about the rules?” Vicky asked. “No, there’s something else going on here. Zoey is _important_ to Kyu…”

“How do you know that?” Amira asked.

“Call it criminal’s intuition.” Vicky replied.

“Wow. Vera’s starting to rub off on you, huh?” Oz asked.

“She totally is!” Vicky giggled. “But back to business. Let’s follow that fairy and see what’s up!”

“Fine.” Brian said. “But we’re picking up steaks on the way back.”

*****

Kyu knocked on the door to the flat further down the road. A short young lady in a long black dress opened the door. As soon as she did, Zoey took her in a hug. “Oh, Hope! Brian kidnapped me and tried to eat me alive!”

“He did?!” Hope asked, shocked.

“Yeah, zombies will do that.” Kyu replied. “Is Joy home? She and I need to talk.”

“Yeah, she’s home.” Hope said. “Come on, Zoey. Let’s get you inside and you can tell Faith and me all about it.”

The inside of the flat was standard fair for the lair of a witch coven. Dreamcatchers hanging around, wicker art as decorations, and of course - the carpet, walls, and ceiling were all black. Despite looking like Lilian’s wettest dreams, its occupants - Joy, Faith and Hope - were easily the most well-behaved students at Spooky High. Which is to say, they weren’t complete psychopaths who lusted for destruction and mayhem.

Joy was sitting by the fireplace that had a mystical blue fire crackling in it, when she noticed Kyu come in. “Oh, hello Ms. Sugardust.” the witch greeted. The leader of her coven, Joy was much curvier than her witch sisters and indeed, most of the other girls at the school. She had a figure not unlike Sarah’s or Beli’s back in Glenberry. That, combined with her gothic sense of fashion and wicca tattoos, made Kyu consider offering her a job at Huniepop more than once, but Joy was often too busy saving the world for stuff like that.

“Is this about my grades?” Joy asked. “I know my grades have been slipping a bit lately, but that’s because we were too busy planning our assault on Mt. Boom for us to worry about studying. You see, the New Fire Lord has been using it as his base of operations, and now that he has the Talisman of-”

“Your grades are fine, and that’s not why I’m here.” Kyu quickly said, wanting to skip the foreplay. “We need to talk about Zoey.”

“…Ah.” Joy replied, not sounding terribly surprised. “Yes. Zoey. She’s the newest member of the coven.”

“Yeah, about that, how exactly did that happen?” Kyu asked.

“Well, after she started taking spell classes here, we noticed how much of a rookie she was.” Joy explained. “So, we thought that the responsible thing to do would be to tutor her. Take her under our wings.”

“And how’s THAT been working out?” Kyu asked.

“…Eeeeehhh….” Joy replied nervously. “She….still has a lot to learn. She can barely make things levitate, can only summon sparks instead of flames, and instead of great blizzards, she can really only conjure a stiff breeze. To be honest, I’m beginning to suspect that she’s not really a witch by blood.”

“Well, you’re right. She isn’t.” Kyu bluntly told her. “She’s human.”

“What?!” Joy replied. “But how?!”

“From what she told me - she found a spell book a few months ago and used it to teleport herself to Monstropolis.” Kyu explained.

“But where did a human even FIND an actual spell book?” Joy asked.

“My guess - probably some hipster shop in downtown Glenberry.” Kyu asked. “See, Zoey has been going through this ‘witchcraft’ phase and-“

“Oh God.” Joy said as she curdled her nose in disgust. “She’s a wiccaboo. This explains so much.”

“A what?” Kyu asked. “Whatever, doesn’t matter. Bottom-line, she doesn’t belong here. You need to kick her out of the coven, deport her back to the human world, and make sure she _stays there._ Capiché?”

“Don’t worry, Ms. Sugardust. We’ll take care of it.” Joy declared.

“Good.” Kyu said as she got up. “I’ll see you and your coven tomorrow, Joy. _Minus one human_ , if you knew what was good for you.”

“Of course, Ms. Sugardust.” Joy said with a nod. On that, the fairy left the coven’s lair.

With all that black on the walls, neither of them noticed a moving shadow, quietly moving along the wall from the living room out through a crack in the window.

*****

Oz reformed, clothes and all, in front of the other three monsters hiding in the bushes outside the Coven’s house. “Well?” Vicky asked.

“Get this you guys - Zoey was a human!” Oz said. “And Kyu knew! The whole time!”

“Woah.” Amira said. “No shit?”

“Wait, you mean I almost ate _human_ flesh?” Brian asked. “Like, not the vat-grown stuff, but the real deal?”

“What was a human doing in Monstropolis?” Vicky asked.

“Kyu said something about Zoey finding a spell book and teleporting here.” Oz said. “Anyway, Kyu told the coven to take Zoey back to the human world.”

“Good. She can stay there.” Brian harrumphed.

“Still doesn’t explain why Kyu didn’t want Zoey eaten in the first place, though…” Vicky said as she stroked her chin in thought.

“Maybe Kyu is just a compassionate person who doesn’t want to see harm be brought to humans?” Oz asked.

“…No, that doesn’t sound right.” Vicky said as she took out her smart phone.

“Vera really is rubbing off on you.” Brian observed.

“I feel like there’s a more important question here that none of us are asking.” Amira said. “Why should we give a shit about _any_ of this? It’s not getting us any closer to dates for prom.”

“Maybe it’s not getting _you_ any closer…” Vicky said as she texted Vera her findings.

*****

Not long after Kyu left, Joy called for a coven meeting. The four witches assembled in the living room, with Zoey sitting on the couch with Hope, Joy, and Faith all standing up, lording over the apprentice witch. “Zoey…it’s time to be honest with us.” Joy said. “Are you a human?”

“What? No!” Zoey replied. “I’m a witch! I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life!”

“Kyu told me everything, Zoey.” Joy said as she crossed her arms. “We know that you’re a human, and the only reason you’re here at all is because you found a spell book. We need to know where you got that book.”

“But I AM a witch!” Zoey insisted. “A real, authentic witch!”

“Alright.” Faith said. “Name the person who introduced modern Wicca to the public in 1954.”

“…Uh….” Zoey stuttered.

“Explain the Law of Threefold Return.” Hope dared.

“Uuuhhh….”

“Can you even name the five classical elements?” Joy asked.

“…Gatekeeping!” Zoey accused. “You three are gatekeeping! You refuse to acknowledge me as a fellow witch so you grill me on obscure witch trivia to discredit me! You guys are being very _problematic_!”

“Okay, that’s it!” Joy snapped. “We’re not the problematic ones here, Zoey. You are!”

“Me?!” Zoey demanded, standing up for the first time and looking Joy right in the eye. “How am _I_ the problematic one?!”

“You’re a wiccaboo!” Joy said.

“…A what?” Zoey asked.

“Witch weaboo.” Faith elaborated. “Basically, you’ve no real interest in the tenants of witchcraft. Only its aesthetic.”

“Yeah!” Hope said as she put her hands on her hips. “You’ve been totally appropriating our culture! You bought a few cheap replica magical tools because you thought they looked cool and made you feel unique, without bothering to understand the context or significance behind any of it!”

“…Wait.” Zoey said as a horrifying realization came over her. “If what you’re saying is true than…I’m just like….I’m no better than….”

*****

“Hai?” Sarah asked. “Ooooh, Nikki-chan! My ears are burning! That must mean a good friend is thinking of me right now!”

*****

“…. _Oh God_ …..” Zoey said as she sat back down on the couch, looking down at her trembling hands. “ _What have I become?_ ”

“Okay.” Joy said as she took a breath to calm herself. “We need you to tell us where you found that spell book.”

“I…I bought it.” Zoey answered. “From an antique shop in downtown Glenberry.”

“Any idea where the store owner might’ve gotten it?” Hope asked.

“No…..” Zoey answered.

“Shit.” Joy cursed. “Faith, call Aaravi. Tell her we may have a situation on our hands.”

“On it.” Faith said as she pulled up the Slayer’s number on her smart phone.

“What’s going on?” Zoey asked.

“Contrary to what family fantasy movies from the 80’s claim, you don’t just find a random spell book in an antique shop.” Hope explained. “That book _must_ have come from our world.”

“Which means there’s been a breach in the veil.” Joy grimly said. “Something, or someone, is disrupting the delicate balance between our world and yours.”

Zoey quietly gasped. “Are we in danger?”

“Maybe.” Joy said. “Hopefully it’s just something small, like a cross-dimensional smuggling ring.”

“And if it’s something bigger?” Zoey asked.

“Then may God and Goddess both help us.” Joy said.

“Aaravi’s on her way over.” Faith said as she hung up. “And she’s bringing Valerie with her.”

“Excellent. Valerie might know something about this.” Joy said.

About fifteen minutes later, Valerie and the Slayer arrived. The Slayer took a protective stance behind Zoey, serving as a guardian to protect the human from further monster savagery. Meanwhile, Valerie took a seat on the Coven’s couch and picked up the spell book to examine it.

“Well?” Hope asked. “Is it one of yours?”

“Nah.” Valerie replied. “I’ve sold spell books before, but not to humans, and especially not in the human world. My smuggling operation only goes one way - from the humans’ side of the veil, to the monsters’ side. Not the other way around.”

“Know any smugglers who do a two-way operation?” Joy grilled.

“Nope. Most are smart enough to know it’s too risky.” Valerie said.

“Hmm…” Joy said as she picked up the book and opened it. She saw a tag on the inner cover, identifying the store’s address. “420 69th Avenue, huh? Alright, I think it’s time we paid this little shop of horrors a visit.”

“Oh! I know the way there!” Zoey said.

“Yeah, thanks, but we can take it from here.” Joy said. “You’re going home, you’re going to hand over any other magic stuff you might have, and then you’re going back to your normal life.”

“But-“

“Zoey, you were almost _eaten_ today.” Joy said. “Trust me - this is for your own good. The world of monsters is too dangerous for humans.”

The witch turned to the Slayer. “Aaravi? Think you can get Zoey home safely?”

“What the hell?!” the Slayer demanded. “I’m a monster slayer! Not a chaperone!”

“Just do this for us, alright?” Joy asked.

“Fine.” the Slayer grumbled. “C’mon, Greene. Time to get you home.”

*****

“That’s it, David…” Kyu said as she slipped her hand into her panties. “Show me that goliath…” After a long day of rescuing one of her hunies from being her students’ dinner, Kyu needed some time to unwind. So after she dropped Zoey off at the coven’s lair, she headed straight home and booted up some internet porn.

And then there was a knock at the door. Kyu groaned and paused the video before standing up. She opened the door and saw a certain flesh golem standing there.

“Hey Kyu!” Vicky greeted. “Can I talk to you about something? It’s kind of important.”

“It better be.” Kyu grumbled. She was always cranky whenever someone interrupted her ‘private time.’

“Well…Basically, I need that sea breeze perfume.” Vicky replied.

“Er, yeah, no?” Kyu asked. “You’re on perfume embargo, remember? And that was BEFORE you tried to cannibalize one of my other students. Besides, you don’t even need it anymore. Seems to me like you and Vera are a done deal.”

“Not yet, we’re not.” Vera said.

…Wait, Vera?

The gorgon appeared out of nowhere, shoving her way past Vicky and Kyu and into the love fairy’s apartment. “Oh my God.” Vera said as she took in all the interior decor. “This place is so pink, I may go blind.”

“Vera?” Kyu asked. She turned to Vicky, who just gave the love fairy a wink as she followed Vera inside. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ll cut right to the chase, if only because all this pink is offending my eyes and I want to get this done as soon as possible - I want your enchanted sea breeze perfume for myself, along with any other enchanted fragrances you might have.” Vera said.

Kyu was taken aback. This was so absurd, that she honestly wasn’t sure what to say next, except for the obvious. “Uhm….no?” Kyu said. “That stuff is for clients only. And before you ask, yes, Vicky is a client, but she’s on perfume probation.”

“Really?” Vera asked. “Because I happen to know something that might change your mind.” The gorgon held out her hand and Vicky obediently placed her smart phone into her hand…

…Wait. That’s Vicky’s huniebee!

Vera pressed play on a recording. “ _Well, you’re right. She isn’t. She’s human._ ”

“…Aw, shit.” Kyu grumbled.

“A human.” Vera said. “Right here in our very midst, and you knew the whole time. And if I recall my monster laws correctly, harboring a human in the monster world is a very serious offense under the Monster Secrecy Act of 1490.”

“So, you’re blackmailing me?” Kyu asked as she put her hands on her hips.

“Aw, you _do_ know your students.” Vera replied.

“Told ya she was a cool teacher!” Vicky said.

“Basically, you supply me with perfume and in exchange, I don’t blow the whistle on you.” Vera said.

“Yeah, no.” Kyu said. “You’ve got nothing on me.”

“Um…” Vera said as she held up the huniebee. “I have a recording of you admitting prior knowledge of human infiltration at Spooky High.”

Kyu snapped her fingers, producing a puff of fairy dust. “And now you don’t.” she said with a shit-eating smirk. Vera frowned and checked the huniebee…only to discover that the recording had been erased.

“Pro-tip: if you’re gonna try to blackmail a fairy, try to do it on a device that she _doesn’t_ have complete magical control over.” Kyu smugly said. Vera shot Vicky a withering look, the flesh golem whimpering in reply.

Kyu walked up to the gorgon, hovering a few inches off the ground so she could look the slightly taller monster right in the eye. “Listen up, _Ms. Oberlin_.” she began. “You may have the rest of the student body scared shitless, and Vicky here weirdly aroused, by your High School Crime Lord routine, but that shit doesn’t work on me. I’m a centuries-old fae. I’ve been wheeling and dealing since the time your oldest known ancestor was in diapers. You’re punching WAY above your weight class with me. Now, you’re just a kid, and I’m a pretty chill fairy, so I’ll let you off with a warning this time. But if you try to pull something like this on me again, I’ll personally show you why humanity used to be so _pants-shittingly terrified_ of my kind before Walt Disney came along. We clear?”

“…Crystal.” Vera snarled.

“Good.” Kyu said. “Now grab your toadie, and get the fuck out of my apartment.”

Vera growled a bit before obeying. “Uh, Kyu?” Vicky asked.

“Yeah, I hooked you up with a sexily scary girlfriend, and you repay me by trying to blackmail me.” Kyu said. “So we’re done. Byeeeee.”

Vicky pouted and followed Vera out of the apartment, looking like a beaten dog.

*****

“…SO, your first plan was a blood ritual, right?” Vicky asked Vera in the parking lot outside the apartment building. “Funny you should say that, because I saw a used tampon on sale at Valerie’s shop the other day and-“

“I’m going to destroy her.” Vera said.

Vicky was taken aback. “Beg pardon?”

“I’m going to destroy her that fairy and everything she holds dear” Vera said. “ _Nobody_ talks to _Vera Oberlin_ like that and gets away with it.”

“But…we lost our blackmail material.” Vicky replied.

“…The human. Zoey.” Vera said. “You know where she is now?”

“She’s probably back in the human world by now.” Vicky replied with a shrug.

“Where, specifically?” Vera pressed.

Vicky had to think about it for a minute. “…Glenberry.” Vicky realized. “Kyu mentioned downtown Glenberry.”

“Alright then - grab your best glamour spell, because you’re going to the human world.” Vera said as she stomped over to her car.

“But why?” Vicky asked as the two girls climbed inside.

“You mentioned that Kyu seemed abnormally interested in keeping Zoey alive.” Vera said. “Why is that? If I were harboring a human and Brian wanted to eat the evidence of my crime, I would’ve gladly let him.”

“Because she’s _important_ to Kyu somehow.” Vicky realized.

“And if we can figure out why, we can use that against her.” Vera said with a smile.

“I don’t know…” Vicky said as she scratched the back of her head. After all the help Kyu gave her in hooking up with Vera, the idea of stabbing her in the back didn’t really sit well with her.

Vera paused, staring hard into Vicky’s eyes. Grabbing the shorter girl by the jaw, she leaned in for a kiss. Vicky’s brain ceased to function for a second, eyes going wide and sparks flying off the spark plugs on her neck. Vera pulled away from Vicky and gave the girl a knowing smirk.

“…That Tinkerbell knock-off bitch is going _down._ ” Vicky said with an evil smirk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot is getting thicker, folks! Don't touch that dial!


	12. First Contact

The human world can be a dangerous place for monsters. Humans are like horses - they seem harmless at first glance, and at the first sign of trouble, their first instinct is usually to run. But if you’re not careful around them, their fear can turn to wrath, and they’ll trample you beneath a hundred angry hooves. Even with the proper glamor spells to disguise their monstrosity, few monsters are bold enough to trespass in the human world.

Of course, few monsters successfully got a kiss from Vera Oberlin.

As Vicky made her way through Downtown Glenberry, she stopped and checked her reflection in a store window. Not a single stitch on her skin and you couldn’t even see her neck bolts. As for her hair, gone was its signature mix of black and white, and instead was long, bouncy, blonde locks.

She shuddered and looked away from the horrid visage in the mirror. She looked like a perfectly normal young human girl and it just felt _wrong._

“Okay. You can do this. Yooooou can do this.” Vicky said as she made her way down the street, nervously looking around at all the humans passing by. She then spotted a phone booth. Perfect! Those are somehow still a thing in 2018! She hopped inside and flipped through the phonebook.

“Greene….Greene….” she muttered as she looked through all the Glenberry residents. Zoey Greene was the key to whatever Kyu was up to. It was up to Vicky to uncover this conspiracy against her girlfriend’s sense of entitlement!

“Come on, come on, show me Zoey Greene…” Vicky muttered as she ran down the list. Finally, she found a Greene! But…

“…Who the hell is Denise?!” Vicky demanded as she punched the phone so hard it shattered into a million pieces - the glamour could hide her monstrous looks, but not her monstrous strength. She stormed into the nearest convenience store to buy a bag of doritos, for only nacho cheese flavoring can _numb the pain of failure._

So upset and wrought with shame was she, that as she stomped into the convenience store, she completely failed to notice the human she just bumped into, sending the both of them crashing to the ground. The other girl spilled a basket full of cigarette boxes. “Oh shoot!” the other blonde said as she started picking them up. “I am SO sorry about that!”

“Ah!!” Vicky shrieked as the human talked to her, scrambling until her back was against the wall. “Don’t hurt me!!”

“Oh? No! No, I’d never hurt you! I’d never hurt anyone!” the human girl said as she put up her hands. “See? I’m friendly. I’m respecting your space. I’m not coming near you.”

Vicky calmed down a bit as she looked at the blonde-haired human in front of her, dressed in a white shirt and cream-pink overall dress. Vicky looked into the human’s big blue eyes and, strangely, felt as though this human had no intention of stabbing her with a pitchfork or setting her on fire with a torch or any of those other things humans used to do to her ancestors.

The human girl smiled. “I’m Tiffany, by the way.” she introduced herself.

“…Vicky.” the flesh golem replied. “I’m Vicky.”

*****

Meanwhile, back at Spooky High, Oz, Amira and Brian were all standing in the lunch line, wondering where their fourth friend Vicky was. “Yo, where’s Vicky?” Amira asked. “I haven’t seen her since she left the house this morning.”

“I think she mentioned something about running an errand for Vera.” Oz replied.

“Damn, she’s really on the fast track to a prom date, huh?” Amira asked. “Weird. Thought Vera would’ve been harder to win over than that.”

“Well, she’s not the only one…” Oz said as they grabbed two velvet cupcakes.

“You really think Miranda’s gonna go to prom with you?” Brian asked. “She’s not Polly, you know. Romancing her takes class.”

“Don’t worry - I’ve got plenty of class.” Oz replied as they strode their way over to Miranda’s private bench with a bit of swagger in his step.

“A treat, for my lady…” Oz said with a graceful bow.

“Ah, a velvet cupcake - the color of my enemies’ blood.” Miranda said as she took the cupcake in question. She eyed up the shadow as they took their seat next to her. “I must say Oz, I’m impressed. Why, just a few weeks ago you seemed nothing more than a peasant. But now that I think about it, I realize we have so much in common! Our refined tastes in clothes. Our love of velvet cupcakes. And of course, our mutual disdain of the _filthy air people._ ”

Miranda spared a moment to glare at the flock of harpies eating bird seed a few tables away. They were more than happy to glare right back.

“Oh, how I WISH we could be paramours, Oz.” Miranda said. “But alas - the laws of my land would forbid such relations. I, a princess, cannot date a mere commoner.”

“Oh…” Oz said.

“There, there. We can still be friends.” Miranda said. “In fact, I can dub you the _royal_ friend!”

“That’d be nice…” Oz said. Truth be told, they were disappointed. Shot down again…

“Hiya Master!”

“Hi Momo.”

Oz sighed again.

“…Wait, Momo?!” Oz jumped in a start. “What are YOU doing here?!”

“I go to school here! Yep yep!” Momo said as she took a seat next to Oz, her tray full of cupcakes. “You want a cupcake, Master?”

“Wait a moment.” Miranda said. “Oz, did that cat girl just call you ‘Master?’”

“Uh, I can explain!” Oz began to panic.

“Why Oz, you never told me you had your own serf!” Miranda said with a wide smile. “I have serfs too!” she pointed to her two serfs that had been sitting next to her the whole time. “But wait - how can you have a serf? Peasants don’t have serfs…”

“…That’s because I’m NOT a peasant!” Oz shouted. “I am the…Lord….of…Fear! Lord of Fear! A position of nobility among my people - the Kingdom of Darkness.”

“Oh my!” Miranda said. “Oz…why didn’t you tell me?”

They then took Miranda’s hand in theirs and held it gingerly. “Because I wanted you to love me for who I was, and not for my titles. Titles I totally have, by the way.”

“Why Oz…this means we may officially court!” Miranda excitedly said. “Oh, happy day!”

Oz leaned way from Miranda for a moment and towards Momo. “You the best wing woman _ever_.” he whispered.

“Hooray!” Momo said. “Wait, what’s a wing woman?”

*****

Brian watched from the empty lunch table where he sat as Oz lived the dream. Just a few nights ago, he was a drunken, emotional mess after getting rejected by Polly. Now? Mermaid princess on his left, neko servant girl on his right. Hell of a rebound.

Now if only Brian could rebound that hard. He turned and watched Scott, Amira, and Liam all sitting at a table together, the vampire aghast at how “Scott Snacks” are somehow a thing in Japan. Zoey may have been expelled from the Monster World and Spooky High by proxy, but alas, the damage had already been done. Liam now wanted little to do with the mainstream, out-of-touch zombie. He sighed.

He supposed he’ll just have to do what Oz did and look for a back-up crush. But who?

He glanced at another table where Damien, Vera, and Polly were all sitting and chatting. Vera was out, obviously. She was as good as Vicky’s…Or maybe Vicky was as good as Vera’s. He was pretty sure the gorgon was the one wearing the business skirt in that relationship. Polly’s a no-go too. Though she’s technically free game now, she was Oz’s dream girl once upon a time. Trying to ask her to prom would feel too much like stabbing his little buddy in the back. That left Damien and…

“FUCKING BANANAS!” the demon shouted as he punched the accursed yellow fruit into paste, punching a hole in the cafeteria table. “WHAT YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT MORE POTASSIUM THAN ME?! FUCK YOU!!!”

...Yeah. Damien wasn’t really Brian’s type.

The zombie continued to scan the crowded cafeteria, wondering if he had any other options. Valerie? No, she was too busy running her shop to really bother much with dating. One of Scott’s cousins from the Sportsball team? Nah - those guys are idiots AND jerks. Blobbert?

No. Blobbert was too good for Brian.

He was too good for everyone.

This world doesn’t deserve Blobbert.

The zombie continued scanning the cafeteria, hoping that a potential date would just jump in front of him or something.

…

_Jump in front of him or something._

…

Damn. He was really hoping that would work.

…Hey, what about Joy from the Coven? She’s got some rockin’ curves on her, and Brian would be lying if he said he’d never eyed her up. Although…they weren’t really here in the cafeteria. In fact, he hadn’t seen them at all today.

Where were they?

*****

“Okay, this is the place.” Joy said as she, Hope and Faith exited the car parked outside the hipster shop. The three witches wasted no time marching inside the novelty shop in Downtown Glenberry. Inside was a wide array of dreamcatchers, crystal balls, chinese shisa figurines, and a bunch of other stuff that probably sold way more in October than during any other time of year.

“Oh wow.” Joy said as she wrinkled her nose. “This place has _zero_ shame.”

“Ah, greetings children of the moon.” said an obviously-fake witch with no fucking idea what she was talking about. “How may I be of service to you?”

Joy sighed, eager to get this over with as quickly as possible. She held up the spell book. “You sold this a Ms. Zoey Greene, right?”

“Indeed!” the shop owner replied.

“We wanna know where you got it.” Joy said.

“Ah, that’s quite a story.” the shopkeeper said. “It all happened one night - I had been visited by a spirit.”

“Oh God and Goddess both…” Joy grumbled as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

“No! I assure you it’s true!” the shopkeeper said. “The spirit was that of a young woman, whose life was tragically cut short many years ago, while she was still in the prime of her youth. She appeared before me in a black tube top and daisy dukes.”

“…Daisy dukes?” Joy asked.

The shopkeeper nodded. “She said she needed crystals to help with her journey to the other side, and offered _that exact_ spell book in exchange for my crystals.

“…I see. Thank you, kind shopkeeper, for your cooperation.” Joy said as she lead the Coven out of the store.

“It can’t be.” Hope said as they climbed back into the car. “Even _she’s_ not THAT dumb!”

“You know she is….” Joy said as she turned the key and drove back through the portal.

*****

“YAAAAAAASSSSSSS” Polly cheered in the dance club. “We’re gonna get our cruuuunk on! Gonna get our cruuuuuuunk on! SOMEONE GRAB ME AND CRUNK ME RIGHT NOW!!!”

“If you insist.” said Joy as she and the Coven entered the dance floor. She waved her hands, muttered a few magic words, and ghostly chains appeared wrapped around Polly. It was a spell tailor-made for reigning in restless spirits, and they don’t get more restless than Polly Geist.

“Wait - NO! HELP! I’M BEING ARRESTED BY THE PARTY POLICE!!!” Polly said as she was dragged away. But everyone else on the dance floor was too high, drunk, or both to notice. The Coven dragged the ghost outside into the dance club’s smoking area.

“Alright Polly, it’s time for you to answer a few questions.” Joy said with no small amount of authority.

“YOU CAN’T PROVE I ATE THAT BABY!!!” Polly shouted.

“You ate a baby?” Hope asked, recoiling in horror.

“I dunno. Maybe.” Polly said. “Hey - Maybe I ate a Baby! I’m a Poet and didn’t know it! Wait - HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT RHYMES TOO! WHAT’S GOING ON?!?! I’M SCARED!!!”

“Focus!” Joy snapped. “We know you slipped into the human world and made contact with the owner of an _incredibly tacky_ antique shop.”

“YOU CAN’T PROVE I ATE THAT BABY!!!” Polly repeated.

“We’re not even mentioning - ugh.” Joy grunted before taking out the spell book. “Did you, or did you not, exchange this spell book for crystals?”

“Oooooh, now I remember!” Polly said. “Yeah, I totally did.”

“Why?” Joy asked. “What purpose would you have for crystals?”

“To get high. Duh.” Polly said. “That bitch TOTALLY ripped me off by the way. Turns out, they weren’t ‘moon crystals’ at all. It was just regular old cocaine! What a jip!”

“You exchanged a _spell book_ with a _human_ just to _get your fix_?!” Joy demanded.

“Well, DUH. I had to pay with SOMETHING for the drugs.” Polly said. “And I wasn’t about to steal the drugs. I may be a lot of things, but I’m not a thief.”

“Where did you even GET a spell book of this calibre?” Joy asked.

“I stole it from the school library!” Polly replied.

Joy facepalmed so hard, she practically slapped herself in the face.

“So, can you let me go now? I kinda need to pee.” Polly said.

“Ghosts don’t pee.” Faith said.

“Wow. Okay, _racist_. Maybe witches weigh the same as ducks!” Polly said, as that bit of nonsense was the best comeback line her coked up mind could conjure. Joy sighed and willed the chains out of existence with a wave of her hand. “Thanks, Boo! Now to find that Red Oni and Blue Oni and get them to make purple inside me, if you catch my drift!” And on that perverse note, she phased through the wall back inside the dance club.

“That reckless, irresponsible little - “

“Frankly…” Hope said, interrupting Joy’s grumbling. “I’m just grateful that this was all just the usual shenanigans of a mischievous spirit, as opposed to something more…apocalyptic.”

“Hope’s right.” Faith agreed. “What’s important is that the spell book is safely within our possession and Zoey is back in the human world where she belongs. Balance has been restored.”

“I suppose…” Joy relented. “It’s just…Polly’s actions directly resulted in an innocent human coming into our world, and then almost getting devoured. Who knows what other unforeseen consequences could’ve come about from this?”

*****

“So, you made a new friend in the human world?” Vera asked. She sat behind the desk in her apartment, because naturally she had a desk. Vicky sat in one of the three armchairs in front of her, grinning like an oblivious seal moments before the great white sinks its teeth into her.

“Yup!” Vicky said. “Her name is Tiffany and she’s really cool! She says she wants to be a nurse, and that she loves Summer, and that her favorite color is pink, not like a hot pink but more of a milky pink, and-“

“As pleased as I am that you made a new gal pal, that’s NOT why I sent you there.” Vera said.

“Oh! That’s right! Tiffany knows Zoey!” Vicky excitedly said.

“…Does she, now?” Vera asked, the disapproving scowl on her face replaced by an evil smile.

“Yeah, I told Tiffany that Zoey is an old friend of mine from High School, and I wanted catch up. She said that she works with Zoey!” Vicky reported.

“Did she mention _where_ , exactly, they worked?” Vera asked.

“That’s the weird part. When I asked about her job, Tiffany got kind of…vague. Just said she was an errand girl responsible for keeping the pantry in the employee lounge stocked.” Vicky explained. “She _says_ she works at an office building, but I dunno - my criminal’s intuition was telling me that she was hiding something.”

“Interesting…” Vera said as she leaned back in her chair and pressed her fingertips together. “This may be much bigger than I anticipated - and therefore _juicier_.” She chuckled, sounding like a Sailor Moon villain. “Very well. Stay in contact with Tiffany, and learn EVERYTHING you can about her place of business.”

“You know Vera, this is an awful lot of trouble to go to just to clap back at Kyu.” Vicky observed.

“If there’s one currency in this world more valuable than money, it’s _respect_.” Vera said. “If word got out that a _fairy_ of all things punked me, the damage to my reputation would be irreparable. Besides, respect isn’t the only thing on the line anymore. If _my_ criminal’s intuition is correct, then Kyu is running some kind of operation in the human world.”

“What kind of operation?” Vicky asked.

“I don’t know. Your job will be to find out.” Vera answered. “Think you’re up for it?”

“You can count on me, boss!” Vicky said as she snapped a salute.

“Good - now text Tiffany some cat pictures.” Vera said. “Humans seem to LOVE cat pictures, for some reason.”


	13. Match Made in Hell

Wednesday. Fuck Wednesday.

Oh sure, people say Monday is worse. But you know what? At least Monday has the balls to actually have some character to it, even if it’s shitty character. Not Wednesday - it’s not as shitty as Monday, but not as awesome as Friday, Wednesday is like that one friend who, whenever a political argument breaks out, will puss out and say “I think both sides have valid points.”

“Fuck Wednesday!” Damien shouted as he punched a hole in the lunch table.

“You’ve got a case of the hump days too, huh?” Vicky asked.

“THERE’S FUCKING NOTHING TO DO!!!” Damien raged as he punched yet another hole in the cafeteria table.

“Vicky, please give Damien something to do before we run out of table.” Vera said with a roll of her eyes.

“Uh...Hey Damien! Look at this picture Tiffany texted me!” Vicky said as she showed Damien her phone. The picture portrayed Tiffany and her two friends, a blue-haired girl and a redhead, poking around a costume store. _Hey Vick! Shopping for a good costume!_

“Ugh, still can’t believe you’re friends with a _human_.” Damien snarled. “It’s just so - wait I know that chick.”

“Huh - Hey!” Vicky protested as Damien snatched the phone from her to get a closer look.

“Holy shit, that’s Audrey!” Damien said.

“I’m sorry, who?” Vera asked.

“The human bitch who tried to give me her number.” Damien said.

“Oh yeah - that was a thing that happened wasn’t it?” Vicky said.

“What’s she doing with Tiffany?” Damien asked.

“Your human friend must be friends with my human friend.” Vicky answered.

“Fuck you! Audrey’s not my friend!” Damien shouted.

“Oh? Then why do you know her name?” Vicky teased.

“I WILL REND YOUR SOUL APART!!!”

“JOKE’S ON YOU! I’M A FLESH GOLEM, SO I TECHNICALLY DON’T HAVE A SOUL!!!”

“Enough!” Vera snapped. “Here’s an idea - the two of you can meet up with your human friend and human not-friend for a night out. Vicky - you need to gather more intel on Tiffany’s job anyway, and Damien, I quite frankly need you out of my hair.” Vera’s hair, the snakes, all nodded in agreement.

“Sweet!” Vicky said.

*****

Audrey growled in frustration as she sat on the couch in the employee lounge, turning up the volume on her phone as she played some random match-five puzzle game, trying to drown out the sound of Tommy and Lola’s orgasmic grunting and moaning coming from the set. It pissed her off to no end. Why? Why did she have to develop a crush on that fucking lump? While he was with Lola no less? Lola was smart, funny, and had tits the size of Audrey’s head! How the fuck is any girl supposed to compete with that?!

Audrey was about punch a pillow or scream into it when she suddenly got a text alert.

_Sup, noob?_

Audrey raised her eyebrow as she started texting back.

_Who the fuck are you?_

_Damien from the mall. You gave me your number, remember dumbass?_

_Don’t call me dumbass, cuntface!_

_Okay, how about bitch?_

_Dick!_

_Fuck you!_

_Fuck you!_

_Fuck you times infinity also you wanna hang out tonight?_

_Sure. Fuck it. I’m bored anyway._

_Fuckin’ metal!_

_Meet me at Lusties at eight. You know where that is, right?_

_Pretty sure I can find a nightclub. See ya there, bitch-for-brains!_

*****

“So, let me get this straight.” Nikki said. “You met this guy at the mall, you shouted obscenities at each other, and then you gave him your number?”

“Yeah. So?” Audrey defensively replied.

“…Nothing.” Nikki said, deciding it was better to keep her thoughts to herself.

“Well I think it’s pretty neat that you found a guy you like, Audrey!” Tiffany replied.

“Pfft. Please.” Audrey scoffed. “I don’t LIKE this guy - I’m just gonna see how many drinks he’ll pay for tonight!” she cackled with delight.

“Of course…” Tiffany sighed.

“Well, if he pays for my beer, I won’t complain.” Nikki said.

“Here he comes. Hey Damien! Get your poor ass over here!” Audrey hollered.

*****

“Yeah, yeah, I’m comin’ you fucking soulless ginger!” Damien shouted as he approached the three girls.

“Oh shit!” Vicky said as she skipped over. “I didn’t think you were gonna be here Tiffany!”

“Oh my God, no way!” Tiffany gushed. “You and Damien know each other?”

“Kind of.” Vicky replied with a shrug. “We’re both visiting from Mons….on. Monson. Yep. Monson. That is the name of the town that we are from.”

“Weird, I’ve never heard of a town called Monson.” Tiffany said.

“…It’s in Oregon.” Vicky said.

“Yeah. Oregon.” Damien added.

“Oh. That makes sense!” Tiffany replied. The blonde turned to the blue-haired girl. “Nikki, this is the girl I met at the convenience store yesterday. Nikki, Vicky. Vicky, Nikki.”

“Hey.” Nikki said.

“And I’m guessing Damien already told you about Audrey…” Tiffany said.

“Wow, LaVey - nice fucking jacket! What, did you beat up a homeless guy for it?” Audrey asked.

“I got it from the same place you got that dress - the dumpster fire outside Hot Topic!” Damien shot back.

“Least I don’t smell like rotten eggs!”

“Um, it’s brimstone? _Bitch_?”

“Whatever, you fucking stink.”

“You’re right! I should just hose myself down in perfume, put on WAY too much eyeshadow, and prance around going ‘LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT HOW SLUTTY I AM!’”

“Fuck you! My makeup game is on-point!”

“You look like someone loaded a shotgun with makeup and semen and just blasted it on your face.”

Nikki, Vicky, and Tiffany all silently watched as Damien and Audrey continued their verbal tennis match. “…You know, I think I’m starting to get why Audrey might be into this guy.” Nikki commented.

“I know, right?” Tiffany asked. “It’s like they were _made_ for each other.”

*****

After a bit of introductory greetings and introductory mudslinging, the group headed into Lusties. Sarah was waiting by the bar and immediately skipped over to Nikki to take the bluenette in a hug. “Nikki-chan! You made it!”

“Course I made it…” Nikki said with a blush. Even though she and Sarah had been dating for a while now, she still wasn’t 100% comfortable with PDAs yet - even a simple hug was enough to make the gamer girl self-conscious.

“Ugh.” Audrey grunted as she rolled her eyes. “Why do you always invite Sarah with us whenever we go out, Nik?”

“I dunno, maybe because she’s my girlfriend?” Nikki asked. “Why are _you_ always so pissy about it.”

“Probably because she’s jealous that you’re getting laid and she isn’t.” Damien snickered.

“Oh, shut the fuck up Damien!” Audrey barked.

“Why? Shall I have a Vow of Silence to match your Vow of Celibacy?”

“I said shut the fuck up!”

“Who’s he?” Sarah asked.

“That’s Damien.” Nikki replied. “Audrey’s new boyfriend, apparently.”

“Oh fuck off, Ann-Marie! He’s not my boyfriend!”

“Yeah!” Damien agreed. “Audrey’s REAL boyfriend is that guy!” Damien pointed over to some fat dude drunk and passed out on a table.

“Fucking asshole!” Audrey replied as she shoved Damien’s arm, but that just earned an evil snicker in reply.

“Oh wow.” Sarah breathed. “Those two are tsundering each other _hard_.”

“I know, right?” Vicky asked as she walked up to Sarah. “It’s like watching an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. Oh, I’m Vicky, by the way.”

“I’m Sarah!” Sarah enthusiastically replied. “Oh! Your name rhymes with Nikki!”

“It does?” Vicky asked. She paused. “Holy shit it does!” She turned to Nikki. “We’re rhyme buddies!”

“…Guess so.” Nikki replied, a bit nonplussed by the blonde’s enthusiasm.

“Alright Damien - me and my girlfriends are gonna go sit at our usual seat.” Audrey said. “YOU get us the drinks. A daiquiri for me, a lemon drop for Tiff, and a regular beer for Nikki. Oh, and a sake for Sarah. Got it?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…” Damien replied as he went over to the bar to get the drinks. The girls, including newcomer Vicky, headed over to their usual table. A few moments later, Damien arrived with the drinks. “Okay, daiquiri for skank, lemon drop for dumb blonde, beer for the nerd, and sake for the even bigger nerd.”

“Wow. Thanks.” Nikki deadpanned as she took her beer and sipped it.

“Uh, Damien?” Vicky asked.

“Yeah, yeah, I didn’t forget you.” Damien said as he handed Vicky a bottle of whiskey.

“Sweet!” Vicky said as she uncorked the bottle and took a few chugs of it.

“Holy fuck!” Audrey said as Damien took a seat next to Audrey. “Tiff, you never said this girl could chug!”

“It…never really came up before now.” Tiffany said as she watched Vicky drink whiskey like she was dying of thirst, not really sure what exactly she was watching. Damien clinked his own glass bottle of whiskey with Vicky’s before he too started chugging. The two slammed their bottles down, both nearly half-gone, and sighed in satisfaction.

“Ah, that hit the spot…” Vicky said, before noticing the way the four humans were staring at her, mildly alarmed. “What?”

“…You uh….you guys drink a lot?” Tiffany asked.

“Not really. I’m more of a social drinker.” Vicky said with a shrug, followed by a tiny hiccup.

“Coulda fooled me.” Nikki said. “You just chugged half a bottle of whiskey like it was nothing.”

“Oh that? That’s because of my Franken-“

Damien suddenly jabbed his elbow into Vicky’s side with his elbow.

“…Oregonian.” Vicky corrected herself. “It’s because of my _Oregonian_ biology.”

“Uh…..huh…..” Nikki said.

After the preliminary round of drinking, some of the girls felt the urge to dance. Tiffany, Audrey and Sarah all took to the dance floor, dragging Vicky along with them. “Hey Nikki-chan! Come dance with us!” Sarah said.

“Nah, I’m not really feelin’ it yet.” Nikki replied. “You go have fun.”

“Yeah, I think I’m gonna chill here for a minute too.” Damien said, opting to sit with the bluenette. Sarah shrugged and went to join the others.

…And that’s when Nikki suddenly realized that she was now alone with Damien, a guy she didn’t really know, who was apparently kind of aggressive. Once again, she found herself regretting her life choices.

Thankfully, Damien wasn’t really making this weird. He was on his smart phone, more interested in whatever was in there than a conversation with Nikki. So she just sat there, sipping her beer, content to ignore the boy the way he ignored her.

“…So, Sarah’s _your_ girlfriend, right?” Damien asked after a minute of silence.

“Um, yeah?” Nikki asked.

Damien smirked. “Funny. Doesn’t look like Tiffany got that memo.” He pointed to the dance floor where the other girls were dancing, specifically to Tiffany and Sarah who seemed to be dancing together.

Nikki rolled her eyes. “You don’t know Tiffany very well.” she said. “She’s not the home wrecking type. Besides, I trust Sarah.”

“What, you trust her _not_ to trade up?” Damien asked. “Come on, look at you - you’re a nerd. And Tiffany looks like she’s the leader of her cheer squad.”

“She….she kind of is…” Nikki nervously replied.

“Holy shit, really?” Damien asked. “I was just joking before. Yeah, that clinches it, your ass is so dumped.”

“Okay, fuck off.” Nikki said, her patience for the boy wearing thin. “Audrey may get off on you insulting and fucking with her, but I don’t, so just quit it, alright?”

“Oh yeah? And what if I don’t?” Damien asked with an evil smile that seemed to challenge Nikki. She didn’t have a good answer for that, which frustrated her and delighted him to the point of giggles. She just shyly went back to her beer, finishing it off.

“Need a refill?” Damien lightly teased. Nikki grunted before nodding. She wasn’t one to turn down a free drink, even if the dude buying was a jerk.

*****

After several minutes of dancing, the girls had developed a good sweat. Tiffany in particular giggled as Vicky danced like no one was watching, thrusting her butt to and fro, trying to use her hips like a club on innocent bystanders. “Come on, Vicky.” Tiffany said as she grabbed her new friend’s hand. “Let’s go take a break before you hurt someone!”

“Yeah - I’m starting to sweat so much, I’m starting to _stink_ more than glisten!” Audrey agreed. Thus, the pack of brats walked off the dance floor and back over to their table, where Nikki and Damien were still chilling.

Damien was leaning back in his chair, cool as a cucumber, while Nikki was wobbling in her chair. The several empty pint glasses at her table hinted at why. “Holy shit, Nikk!” Audrey shouted. “How are you already sloshed?”

“Hey! Tiff!” Nikki shouted, seemingly ignoring Audrey. “I need ta….I need ta ta talk to ya for a sec….” the blunette shakily stood up, Damien snickering as she did so.

“Nikki!” Tiffany said as she rushed over to help her friend. “Be care-“

“Don’t you fuckin’ touch me!” Nikki slurred. “It’s…it’s not cool! The way you were…dancin’…..with Sarah…..”

“Sarah?” Tiffany asked. “Is everything okay, Nikki? It’s not like you to be jealous.”

“I’m not jealous!” Nikki drunkenly ranted. “I just don’t like it when people who aren’t me hang out with my girl!” Damien’s snickers evolved into outright laughter as he banged his fist on the table. This immediately aroused Tiffany’s suspicions.

“What did you do to her?” Tiffany demanded.

“What? I just gave her some beer is all.” Damien replied with the biggest shit-eating smirk. Tiffany gave the boy one more withering look before turning back to Nikki.

“Come on, Nikki-chan. I think we should get you home.” Sarah said as she grabbed her girlfriend and carried her out of the club bridal-style.

“You…you don’t need to carry me…” Nikki muttered as she nuzzled herself against Sarah’s big boob. Tiffany gave Damien one last glare before escorting the two girls out, Vicky close behind. Audrey watched them leave with a raised eyebrow before turning to Damien.

“So, what _actually_ happened?” the diva asked.

“What? I gave her beer.” Damien replied with a shrug. “…Also, I might’ve told her that Sarah and Tiffany were probably banging behind her back.”

Audrey burst out laughing. “No way! What the fuck did you do that for?!”

“I dunno. I was bored and thought it would be funny.” Damien replied with a shrug and a snicker. “But did you see the way Tiffany was glaring at me? Yeesh. I was just yanking the nerd’s chain, but she was lookin’ at me like I just kicked a puppy.”

“Ugh, I know, right?” Audrey asked as she took Nikki’s seat. “Tiffany and Nikki just don’t know how to take a joke!”

“I know the feeling.” Damien said. “I’ve got this one friend, Scott? I gave him bacon laced with ipecac and he kept asking ‘Why Damien, why?’ between dry heaves, and I was just like, ‘yeesh Scott, it was just a prank, bro.’”

Audrey burst out laughing again. “Holy fucking shit you savage!” she held up her glass. “Bring me another daiquiri, Damien!”

“My pleasure, Princess.” Damien replied with a wink and a smirk as he took the glass and went to refill it.

*****

“Okay, here we go…” Tiffany said as she helped Nikki into the cab they called. Sarah climbed in with her, assuring her poor drunk girlfriend with kisses and hand holding, before the cab pulled away to take the two girls home. Tiffany huffed. “Damien is such a jerk. How are you friends with him?”

“I wouldn’t say he’s a _friend_ , per say.” Vicky replied. “More like a co-worker, really.”

“You work the same job?” Tiffany asked.

“We work for the same boss.” Vicky replied with a shrug. “Well, I work for the boss. Damien is more of a part-time, ‘help out whenever I’m bored’ kind of employee.”

“Wow. He and Audrey really do go well together.” Tiffany replied. “Maybe a little _too_ well…”

“Didn’t we leave those two alone inside the club?” Vicky asked.

“…We should go check on them.” Tiffany said.

“Yeah, we should.” Vicky agreed.

*****

“But that fucking bitch Lola never lets me so much as five minutes alone with the guy!” Audrey drunkenly ranted, her third daiquiri partially spilling out of her glass as she gestured wildly.

“Damn.” Damien said. “That’s gotta fucking suck, crushing so hard on someone while they’re with someone else.”

“It does!” Audrey replied. She then sniffled a little. “And Tommy’s….he’s _nice_! And I don’t mean that fucking fedora-wearing neckbeard kind of nice guy, I’m talking _legit_ nice!”

“Actually, I’m pretty sure those guys wear tribies.” Damien corrected. “Fuckers don’t even know what a fedora is.”

“You know what I mean!” Audrey snapped. “He’s the only guy in this town even half-way worth fucking and I can’t even get him to notice me because of that BITCH!”

Damien nodded like a wizened sage as he listened to his friend’s plight, tapping his chin in thought. That was when Tiffany and Vicky arrived. “Well, we got a cab for Nikki and Sarah.” Tiffany explained. “No thanks to _you_.”

“Hey lay off, angel face.” Damien sneered.

Audrey chortled. “Angel face. That’s a good one.”

“Come on, Audrey. I think we should all go home.” Tiffany suggested.

“As if!” Audrey snapped in reply. “We only just got here! This night’s just getting started!”

“Audrey.” Tiffany firmly said. She glanced at Damien before leaning in closer to the redhead’s ear. “I don’t like this Damien guy. Something about him feels…off.”

“Oh, go fuck yourself, Maye!” Audrey snapped. “Damien’s FUN, unlike you whores!”

“FUCK YEAH I’M FUN!!! SO SUCK IT!!!” Damien shouted as he threw up some horns at Tiffany and Vicky.

“You can go puss out if you want, Tiffany, but Damien and me aren’t goin’ anywhere!” And just to prove her point, Audrey wrapped an arm around Damien’s neck and pulled the much taller boy down to around her level. The two of them then flipped Tiffany the bird as they laughed in her face.

“…WOW, you guys really ARE made for each other!” Vicky observed. “Congrats!”

“Vicky!” Tiffany replied.

“What? I ship it.” Vicky replied with a shrug. “Kinda surprised nobody else has before now.”

“Ugh! Fine! You wanna stay here and make some bad decisions, Audrey? Be my guest.” Tiffany said as she stomped out of the club in a huff. Vicky looked between her and Damien, unsure who to stay with, before eventually deciding on Tiffany as she followed the other blonde out.

“Fuck, she’s lame.” Damien said as Audrey let go of his neck. “Why are you even FRIENDS with her?”

“I ask myself that question every fucking day.” Audrey said. “She should take a few lessons from YOU, Damien. You’re awesome! You tell funny jokes, you listen to my problems, you pay for all my drinks-“

“Pay?” Damien asked with a wicked grin. “What makes you think I PAID for these drinks?”

As if on queue, an angry bartender stomped onto the dance floor. “Hey?! Who’s been stealing all my drinks?!”

“…Holy shit.” Audrey said as she looked down on the glasses and realization dawned on her.

“We should leave.” Damien said as he got up.

“Yeah, this place is getting boring.” Audrey quickly agreed.

“Hey you!” But the bartender’s demands came too late, as Damien and Audrey were already out the back door, into the outdoor smoking area, where they hopped the fence and both took off cackling into the night.

*****

Tiffany and Vicky were both riding the bus back to the former’s apartment. “Sorry for everything.” Vicky apologized. “I thought Damien would be fun, but then I remembered that he likes to antagonize people and tell lies for his own personal amusement. Could’ve been a lot worse though.”

“How?” Tiffany demanded.

“Least he didn’t set anything on fire.” Vicky replied with a smile and a shrug.

“…Do I even wanna ask?”

“No you don’t.”

Tiffany pulled the cord and the two got off on Tiffany’s home block. “It’s okay.” Tiffany said. “For what it’s worth, it’s nice of you to help me home like this.”

“What are friends for?” Vicky asked. “I can even drive you to work tomorrow morning if you need me to.”

“No, no, I’ve troubled you enough.” Tiffany replied as they walked down the block.

“You’re sure? I could totally drive, you can tell me everything about your work place that could potentially be used as black mail, maybe pick up some breakfast sandwiches on the way.”

“Wait, what was that?” Tiffany asked.

“Breakfast sandwiches?” Vicky asked.

“No, before that.”

“I could totally drive you?”

“Well, well, well….look what we’ve got here…”

Tiffany and Vicky turned toward the strange voice’s source - a hooded figure coming out of the alleyway. “You two look a little lost…”

“Uh…no…” Tiffany cautiously replied. “We were just on our way home…”

“Well, maybe I could interest you….in this knife…” he said as he pulled out a large, intimidating looking knife. “Good knife right? It’ll only cost you… _everything in your wallet_.

Tiffany’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates as she realized her life was in danger. But whereas Tiffany’s reaction was panic, Vicky’s was anger. Nobody tries to mug Vicky and HER friend and gets away with it! She snarled and looked around, her gaze setting on a nearby parking meter. Perfect. She grabbed it and pulled it out of the sidewalk like it was nothing but a weed, shocking both Tiffany and the mugger.

“HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FU-“

_CLANG!_

The mugger didn’t even get to finish his sentence before the parking meter’s head collided with his skull, knocking him out cold. “RRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!” Vicky roared as she held the meter above her head in triumph before dropping it on the ground, the fifty-pound hunk of metal clanging loudly as it did so. Tiffany looked at Vicky, shocked.

“Did….did you just _rip that out of the ground_?” Tiffany asked.

“Um…yeah?” Vicky asked.

“How?!” Tiffany demanded.

 _Oh shit, that’s right. Super strength isn’t a thing that humans have._ Vicky realized as she started to sweat. “Oh…you know…I work out. Like, a lot.”

Tiffany just kept staring at Vicky, dumbfounded. “…I eat a LOT of broccoli.” Vicky said.

*****

Damien and Audrey might’ve gotten chased out of Lusties, but they weren’t about to let that ruin the rest of their night. The next step was obvious - head down to the liquor store, buy some vodka, and spend the rest of the night shitfaced on the scenic overlook.

“So Audrey…I’ve been thinking about your Tommy troubles.” Damien said after they finished the first half of the first bottle of vodka together. “I think I know what you can do about it.”

“Hey - I’m all ears.” Audrey said.

“You need to go to Lola’s house, and kick her fucking ass.” Damien replied with the deadly seriousness of an inebriated young man speaking the truth.

Audrey burst out laughing. “You CAN’T be serious!” Audrey replied.

“Nah nah nah, hear me out, hear me out…” Damien said before drunkenly hiccuping. “If you kick Lola’s ass, while Tommy watches, that’ll make him horny for you, right?”

“That doesn’t work on dudes you dumbass!” Audrey slurred.

“Hey, it works on me.” Damien replied. “It’s how I met my last girlfriend - the way she punched this one dude in the face was actually really hot. Anyway, you kick Lola’s ass and that proves that you’re a better girlfriend than her!”

“How?!” Audrey demanded.

“Cuz…cuz you kicked her ass! You beat the shit out of her!” Damien said, as though it were obvious. “If she’s so much BETTER than you, than how come she’s the one BLEEDING ON THE PAVEMENT while you’re standing triumphantly over your conquered enemy?! It’s because she’s NOT better than you, and if Tommy can’t see that, than FUCK HIM!”

Sober Audrey would’ve laughed at the sheer absurdity of Damien’s rant. But Drunk Audrey was actually giving some serious consideration to the Oregonian’s proposal. She eventually shook her head. “As if! Sorry Damien, but I’m gonna need to finish this bottle of vodka before that even BEGINS to sound like a good idea.”

************************************************  
Two and a Half Bottles of Vodka later…  
************************************************

“HEY! HEY REMBRITE!” Audrey drunkenly ranted from Lola’s lawn. She chucked an empty bottle of vodka through the window of the large house that Lola apparently called home. “COME OUT HERE AND FACE ME YOU DELTA AIRLINES REJECT!!!”

The light in one of the second floor windows turned on as a balding white man opened the window and leaned out. “What the hell are you doing?!” he demanded.

“WHERE’S LOLA?!” Audrey demanded back.

“Who’s Lola?!” the man asked. “There’s no Lola here!”

“BULLSHIT!!!” Audrey screeched. “I SAW THE MAILBOX!!!” as she pointed to the mailbox in question.

_Lyle Rembrandt_

“…Oh shit, wrong house.” Audrey realized. “Hey Damien!”

“What?!” Damien asked as he poked his head out of the bushes.

“We got the wrong house!” Audrey shouted.

“What?! Then what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?” he asked as he held up a lit-up molotov cocktail.

“Just get rid of it!” Audrey shouted with a dismissive wave.

Damien shrugged and casually tossed the bottle to the side. It broke, ignited, and set the man’s garden aflame. “MY MERRIGOLDS!!!” he shouted. “THAT’S IT I’M CALLING THE POLICE!!!”

“Cheese it!” Damien shouted as he sprinted out of the bushes, Audrey drunkenly sprinting after him.

The two of them dashed out of the streets and through the backyards of the suburban area, hopping fence after fence, muttering curses under their breaths the whole way as they heard the sound of sirens in the distance. They stopped by a tree to catch their breath, Audrey in particular gasping for air - her smoker’s lungs ill-equipped for running from the authorities.

“Fuck……..Fuck……” Audrey panted.

“We got too many stars…” Damien panted.

“What?” Audrey asked.

“Stars! Haven’t you ever played _Grand Theft Auto_?” Damien asked.

“Do I LOOK like Nikki to you?” Audrey asked.

“No, like, it’s a COOL video game where….fuck it, never mind.” Damien replied. “Point is, we need a place to lay low. I don’t wanna go back to prison. I mean, I could break out, because I’m totally hard like that. But it’s just a pain in the ass, you know? I’d rather just skip it.”

“…I think I know a place downtown.” Audrey replied.

*****

“Huniepop Studios…?” Damien asked as he eyed up the inconspicuous sign above the inconspicuous door to the inconspicuous warehouse.

“This is where I work.” Audrey explained as she took out a hairpin.

“You got a key?” Damien asked.

“Yep.” Audrey said as she used her hairpin to pick the lock with expert hands. After a few seconds of fidddling, she unlocked the door. “Hah! New record!”

As the two reckless youths entered the studio and made their way down the darkened hall, they passed by one of the prop rooms, the door still half open. Damien gave in to drunken curiosity and peaked inside. “Hey Audrey - what did you say you do for a living?”

“Online…entertainment….” Audrey hiccuped. “Why?”

“Cuz your office has a LOOOOOT of dildos in this here closet.” Damien replied.

Audrey hissed out a curse as she rushed over to the closet and slammed it shut. “You didn’t see shit!”

“No, I’m drunk, but I’m pretty sure I saw dildos.” Damien replied.

“Oh for - FINE! I’m a fucking cam whore girl! I show everyone on the internet my pussy for money! THERE ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY?!” Audrey asked.

“Ehhh…” Damien said. “I mean, I’m not, like, _happy_ happy, but I’m like, low-key happy because I’m okay with who I am. You….you need to _accept_ yourself, Audrey.”

Audrey burst out laughing. “Now I KNOW you’re drunk!”

“Listen, listen, you….you don’t need to be ashamed of what you do.” Damien said. “What you do is actually kinda fuckin’ metal. You’ve got the balls, the FUCKING BALLS, to show your….ball-less crotch to the internet.” Damien said. “That takes….fuckin’…..what’s the female equivalent of balls? …Vulva. YOU GOT VULVA, AUDREY!!! THAT’S WHY I LIKE YA!!!”

“Shut up!” Audrey snickered as she playfully punched Damien’s shoulder. A thought occurred to her. “…Are you like, seeing anyone?”

“Nah.” Damien replied with a wave.

Audrey paused and blinked in drunken thought. She then grabbed Damien’s hand and pulled him down the hall. “Wh-where we goin’?” Damien asked.

“You’ll see.” Audrey cryptically answered.

They arrived in the employee lounge. She dragged him over to the couch and she pushed the taller boy onto the couch. She climbed into his lap and started making out with him passionately. Damien seemed eager to return Audrey’s affection as he kissed her back. After about a minute though, the boy came to his senses and, grabbing Audrey’s shoulders, gently pushed her away. “Wait…wait, I shouldn’t.”

“Why not?” Audrey asked.

“You’re drunk.” Damien said with a hiccup. “Y-y-your….You ARE….unable to consent right now.”

“You’re drunk too!”

“Am not.” he said with another hiccup.

“Look, look, look…..it’s not sexual assault if we’re BOTH drunk.”

“But you’re drunker than me though.”

“Fuck you! YOU’RE drunker than ME!”

“Fuck you I am not!”

“Prove it!”

Damien shoved Audrey off of him and onto the couch. He stood up and put his finger to his nose. “See? Not drunk!” He turned to Audrey to see her reaction, only to see that she had already passed out on the couch.

“…Ha! You passed out before I did! THAT MEANS I WIN!!! FUCK YOU, CUNT!!!” he ranted before falling backwards into the armchair and passing out himself.

*****

“Is this him?”

“Yeah, that’s him alright. Looks like they went on a real bender after we left.”

“Okay - go take care of her hangover. _I’ll_ deal him.”

Damien returned to the land of the awakened with a massive headache. “Fuuuuuck….” he muttered. His eyes opened against their will, and he noticed that he was in a room with a couch and a kitchen and shit. “Where am I?”

“In the Huniepop Studios Break Room.” said a voice whose owner stepped into his vision and lorded over him. He looked up and saw a stern face with a curly afro.

“Allow me to introduce myself.” the woman began. “I’m Lola Rembrite, current acting CEO of Huniepop Studios. And from what Tiffany tells me, YOU’RE the little devil that was sitting on Audrey’s shoulder last night, whispering into her ear.”

Damien snickered. “Lady, you got _no idea_ ” He snickered some more before he gripped his head again. “Ow. Headache makes laughing hurt.”

“You and Audrey essentially broke into my studio last night which is, last I checked, illegal.” Lola said. “I’m perfectly willing to look the other way in Audrey’s case. Not so much in yours, though. So I’m just going to ask you to leave and if you don’t, I _will_ call the police.”

“Alright, alright…” Damien sighed as he stood up, still gripping his head. “…In a sec…” he meandered over to the kitchen and reached into the fridge.

“Now you’re technically stealing company property.” Lola said.

“Oooooh, I’m stealing a bottled water.” Damien said as he took a bottle of water from the fridge and started chugging it as he made his way out, flipping Lola the bird on his way out the door.

*****

“And then I flipped Lola the bird on my way out the door.” Damien said. “The End!”

“Iiiiiinteresting…” Vera said as she leaned back in her chair as Vicky and Damien reconvened in her office to recount to her the events of the previous night. “It seems you’ve found our target. Excellent work, Damien.”

“It’s what I do.” the demon replied with a shrug.

“Wait a minute!” Vicky demanded. “What about me?!”

“You not only failed to discover Tiffany’s place of work, but you also very nearly blew your cover.” Vera scolded.

“So did Damien!” Vicky protested. “He burned a man’s house down!”

“Hey, I only burned down, like, _half_ the guy’s house at most.” Damien protested.

“Which in the human world, isn’t really unusual.” Vera said. “What IS unusual is a 113-pound blonde having the strength to rip a fucking parking meter out of the sidewalk.”

Vicky gasped. “You…you noticed I lost weight?!” she asked, positively giddy that senpai noticed.

“ _Moving on_ …” Vera said. “We now know what Kyu’s operation in the human world is - this ‘Huniepop Studios’, an online cam girl business. I should’ve suspected it would be something so lewd, her being a love fairy and all.”

“You sure it’s Kyu’s?” Damien asked.

“Positive.” Vera said. “This ‘Lola’ character mentioned that she was _current acting_ CEO, meaning she’s filling in the role while the REAL CEO is pre-occupied with teaching a sex ed class here in Spooky High.”

The gorgon then smiled evilly. “Now that we’ve identified our target, we can initiate phase two…”


	14. Eldritch Rebound

“So, you’re going to help Vera take down an entire business, destroy the livelihoods of dozens of innocent people, all just to send a message to someone who slighted her?” Brian asked.

“Yup!” Vicky excitedly replied. “And for Vera that’s like, hitting third base!”

“Nice.” Brian nodded. “Amira, things okay with Scott?”

“You know it!” Amira said as she finger-gunned Brian. “Gotta say - arson aside, it’s actually been really smooth sailing between me and him. At the rate we’re going, the ultimate prom date is as good as mine!”

“And Oz, I’m guessing you’re just _living the good life between the fish princess and the cat servant girl_.”

“Uh….yes?” Oz replied, uncertain. “Brian are you okay?”

“ _I’m fine Oz, what makes you ask_?”

“Maybe it’s because all of your dialogue is suddenly italicized.” Vicky replied. “That usually means something’s up.”

“Brian’s just salty because he STILL hasn’t found a replacement date for prom yet.” Amira said. Brian only grumbled in reply. Saltily.

“Oh man…” Oz said as he checked the PromClock App on his Huniebee. 222 hours and 39 minutes until Monster Prom. “You’d better hurry up and find someone, Brian. You’re running out of time.”

“Hey, why don’t you check Valerie’s shop?” Vicky asked as she pointed to the lunch table that the cat girl had fashioned into an item shop like something out of an old-school RPG. “Maybe there’s something there that’ll help?”

“How’s a random, overpriced piece of junk supposed to help me?” Brian asked.

“It could set you on a misadventure that ends with you getting a date with someone you didn’t know was datable or, in some cases, didn’t even know existed?” Vicky replied with a shrug.

Brian sighed. “Well…not like I got anything to lose.”

And so the zombie rose from his seat, munching on his brain jerky, and shuffled his way over to Valerie’s stand. She smiled as the potential customer / sucker approached. “Hey there, stranger.” she said. “What can I get for you today?”

“Not sure.” Brian said as he looked down at all the items on sale. “Just…browsing right now, I guess.” He picked up a bottle of red liquid. “What’s this?”

“Angel blood.” Valerie replied.

“…Do I wanna know how you got it?” Brian asked.

“You don’t wanna know how I got ANY of this stuff.” Valerie answered.

“Hrm.” Brian grunted as he set down the bottle of angel blood and combed through the rest of cat girl’s stock. A dusty old floppy disk, a bedsheet with holes in it, an erotic fan fiction about dragons, a set of weirdly specific greeting cards, a cult ring - people actually BUY this stuff?

“Hey, what’s this?” the zombie asked as he picked up a small emblem of a dark entity that gave him a mild headache just looking at it.

“Oh that? That’s the Power Totem of Zgord, Ruler of the Dark Realms.” Valerie replied. “Or at least, that’s what the mad merchant who sold it to me said.”

“Who’s Zgord?” Brian asked.

“No fuckin’ idea.” Valerie said. “Twelve bucks.”

“….Eight.” Brian haggled.

“Ten.” Valerie said. “Final offer, not goin’ lower.”

“Sold.” Brian said as he slammed the money on the table.

*****

After classes, Amira accompanied Scott for sportsball practice on the sports field behind the school. On top of being just a big, dumb, lovable hunk with abs you could grate cheese on and pecs as big as the djinn’s head, he was _also_ Captain of Spooky High’s Sportsball Team! Amira REALLY landed herself a winner!

Amira wasn’t the only one who came by to watch Scott practice though. A certain demon boy showed up too, much to djinn’s outrage. “What are YOU doing here?!” Amira demanded as her flame licked higher.

“Uhhhh, Scott is my friend?” Damien replied.

“Since when?!” Amira demanded.

“Since before YOU started watching him pee every day at eleven.” the demon answered with a snicker.

As Amira growled and ground her teeth, Miranda, Oz and Momo arrived as well. “Ah, look at them all.” Miranda said as she looked out on the sportsball team. “Like warriors training for battle!”

While Miranda was in awe of the sight of so many sweaty young men, Momo was nervous - probably because the sportsball team was pretty much all werewolves. The cat girl cowered behind Oz, who patted her on the head. “It’s okay, Momo.” they said. “Only MOST of the team are complete douches.” Momo merely whimpered in response.

After practice ended, Scott came jogging up to his friends. “Hi friends!” he shouted as he wagged his tail, wrapping one arm around Amira and the other around Damien and pulling them into a big group hug. The djinn and the demon glared at one another from opposite sides of Scott’s massive chest.

Scott was laughing jovially, but then stopped dead in his tracks as he caught a scent. His head snapped towards Momo, still hiding behind Oz. The two locked eyes with one another for a moment.

“…BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!!!”

“REEEEEE!!!”

Scott and Momo took off, both on all fours, the former chasing the ladder. “Wait! Hold up!” Amira shouted as she, Oz, Miranda, and Damien all took off after the two animalistic monsters. The chase finally ended as Momo was chased up a tree, Scott barking up at it.

“Scott! What are you doing?!” Oz demanded.

“Momo’s my best friend!” Scott shouted excitedly. “Isn’t that right Momo?!”

“No! Go away! I don’t like you! You’re scary!” Momo shouted, hissing and clawing at the werewolf below her. But Scott seemed oblivious to Momo’s protests as he just kept barking up at his ‘best friend’ excitedly.

“Scott! Please!” Miranda shouted. “Can’t you see you’re harassing Oz’s serf? How is she supposed to give me foot massages if she’s stuck up a tree?”

“Help me Master! Help me Fishy Lady!” Momo cried out.

“We need to do something!” Oz panicked to Amira. The djinn wracked her brain for solutions. She realized that there was only one way to deal with a werewolf that was doing something bad. She pulled out a newspaper from her backpack, walked over to Scott and gave him a good swat on the nose. It instantly silenced his barking and stared at Amira, shocked.

“No!” Amira scolded. “No barking at the cat girl! That’s a _bad boy_!”

“…I’m…I’m a _bad boy_?” Scott asked, his eyes beginning to water. Amira’s face when from stern to horrified as she realized the full extent of her mistake.

“W-wait. I didn’t mean - “ Amira said.

“No. No it’s fine.” Scott said as he stood up on his two legs. “I mean…if that’s what you really think of me then….I guess….I won’t be taking you to prom.”

“What?!” Amira said.

“I was gonna ask you because I thought you liked me but…” Scott sniffled. “I…I need to be alone for a while.”

Scott turned around and slowly walked away, sad piano music playing in the background, as one of the students from music class chose THAT particular moment to practice their keyboard skills by playing the theme from the Hulk TV show. “Wait! Come back!” Amira shouted. “Scott!”

“Not cool, Amira.” Damien said as he followed Scott. “Not cool.”

“Indeed. How could you?” Miranda demanded before walking away in a huff.

“Sorry, Amira.” Oz said as they followed Miranda.

“Hooray! The doggie went away!” Momo cheered as she jumped down and gave Amira a big hug. “Thank you, Amira!”

Amira growled in frustration as several tiny flames sprouted all around her body. “Ooh! Hot! Hot!” Momo said as she let go of the angry djinn.

*****

“So…you bought a totem depicting a dark and ancient entity?” Vicky asked as she and Brian hung out underneath one of their favorite trees out back.

“Yup.” Brian replied as he wore the totem around his neck.

“Why?” Vicky asked.

“…Good question.” Brian said as he realized he bought the totem of unfathomably evil power without really thinking about it. It was then that its eyes glowed a thousand colors incomprehensible to the minds of men and monsters.

“Woah. Techno-rave.” Vicky said.

“Yeah, it does that sometimes.” the zombie said.

“EEEEE!” Polly squeed as she floated over to inspect Brian’s totem. “What a cute lil’ Dark Deity totem you’re rocking!”

“Oh. Uh, thanks.” Brian replied. The totem screamed so shrill and loud it vomited blood.

“Woah!” Polly gushed.

“Okay, THAT’S new.” Brian said. “What do you think it means?”

“Maybe the Lil Guy’s hungry?” Vicky asked.

“Maybe. What do totems of dark deities eat?” Brian asked.

“Sacrifices, usually.” Vicky replied.

“Hm. Hey Polly - know where I can find a sacrifice?” Brian asked.

“Do I?!” Polly asked as she held up a baby goat.

“…Where did you get that?” Brian asked.

“I don’t know!” Polly replied. Brian shrugged and grabbed the baby goat and walked behind a tree. The lamb’s panicked bleating was cut short with a violent twist of its neck. Brian then used his pocket knife to carve open the animal’s chest and pull out its heart.

“Here you go.” he said as he presented the heart to the totem. Every ounce of blood was sucked into the hungering void, leaving naught but ash in Brian’s hand. “…Huh. Neat.” the zombie said as he blew some of the ash off of his palm. “You know Lil Guy, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

The grass beneath the zombie is set ablaze in unholy green flames as the totem laughs in twisted delight.

*****

“So, Brian has, like, a pet totem now?” Amira asked.

“Guess so.” Vicky replied with a shrug.

“Well, at least he HAS companionship.” Amira harrumphed. “I blew my chances with Scott! My prom date dreams have gone up in smoke!”

“Aw, man. Sorry to hear that, Amira.” Vicky said. “If you need me for anything, anything at all, I’m here for you.”

“Vicky!” Vera shouted from the school parking lot. “Get in the limo, we’re going to the human world to crush our enemies!”

“Bye Amira!” Vicky said as she left her friend to pursue her own prom crush. Amira watched as the limo disappeared through the portal before said portal winked out of existence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this one felt kind of short and filler-ish. Promise though - next chapter's going to be MUCH more interesting...
> 
> ...Also, I'm suddenly not sure if I'm going to be able to finish this before Halloween like I planned.


	15. Afro Succubus

“Alright, gather around my Hunies!” Lola said, hoping that Kyu wouldn’t mind her borrowing her catchphrase. “Just thought I’d let everyone know that Bradley and I will be attending an online business convention tonight down at the Glenberry Convention Hall. Now, I’m asking for some volunteers to come with and help promote Huniepop.”

“Oooh! Oh! Oh! I’ll come!” Candace said as she bounced up and down in her seat.

“I was hoping you’d volunteer, Candace.” Lola replied with a wink.

“I’ll come too.” Lailani said. “I think the time has come for me to take center stage for a bit.”

“Alright!” Lola said as she clapped her hands and rubbed them. “I’ll need one more victim - oops. I mean volunteer.” she giggled at her own joke as she scanned the crowd for a third booth babe. “How about…Beli!”

“Oh my.” Beli said. “M-me?”

“You _are_ one of our more popular girls.” Lola said. “Only makes sense for you to be front and center.”

“Well…it’s just…getting flirty in front of a camera is one thing but…in front of…real people…” Beli fidgeted.

“Come on, Beli!” Candace said. “I did it all the time time back in my old job! I’ll show ya the ropes! How to wiggle your hips, how to bounce on your heels just right, and how to deck somebody for getting handsy!”

“Well…okay. I’ll give it a try.” Beli replied with a nod of determination.

“Awesome!” Lola did a little cheer. “Okay then, let’s gear up and head out!”

*****

The limo pulled up in front of the convention hall, and Vicky climbed out, wearing an official-looking suit and dark sunglasses, designating her as a body guard. She held the door open and out came Vera Oberlin, ready to destroy her enemies.

Vicky found it hard to look at the gorgon. Largely because she wasn’t a gorgon right now. Her shimmering green scaly skin turned pale and…squishy. And her beautiful snakes - gone. Replaced by long, black hair. Hair….on Vera’s head. Something about that just seemed _wrong._ Thank goodness she still wore that black jacket and blue business skirt combo, or else she’d be unrecognizable. Damien was there as well, also wearing a suit and black sunglasses, grinning evilly as he combed his black hair back with a red comb.

Vera checked her reflection in her compact mirror and grimaced. “Let’s get this over with. Sooner I can take off this wretched _mask_ , the better.”

As the limo pulled away, the three marched into the convention hall with purpose. “So, you’re _sure_ Lola Rembrite will be here?” Vera asked.

“She will be if she had any business sense at all.” Vicky replied. “Every wannabe youtuber and streamer in the county is here, and Huniepop’s gonna want a piece of this pie.”

“So, what’s your plan?” Damien said.

“I run a private equity firm _custom built_ for dealing with situations like these.” Vera said with a smirk. “Basically, I offer to ‘purchase’ Huniepop for, oh, let’s say six million dollars. Once they take the bait, I then take Huniepop private, but instead of using my own capital to pay for it, I only put up about twenty percent. The rest of it, I’ll borrow. Or rather, Huniepop ‘borrows’ the money to pay for its own acquisition! Huniepop will continue operating under _my_ ownership privately, but any profit it actually turns post-buyout won’t be getting reinvested into business infrastructure. Instead, the profits will go to _me_ for my managerial magic, as well as paying off the gigantic debt ‘they’ incurred in order for me to buy them. All without spending too much of my own capital!”

“…That is a LOT of words you just threw at me.” Damien said.

“What Vera’s proposing is called a leveraged buyout.” Vicky translated for the demon’s benefit. “So what kind of ‘managerial magic’ are you going to work on Huniepop?” she asked the gorgon.

“Oh you know. The usual.” Vera said. “Order the company to slash wages, operating costs, quality control, etcetera.”

“And by the time the quality of Huniepop’s content inevitably suffers from so many cut corners and profits take a nose-dive, _you’ve_ already made your twenty percent and then some!” Vicky replied in a eureka moment.

“And whatever debt is left is between the lenders and Huniepop.” Vera cackled.

“That’s _diabolical_!” Vicky said as her cheeks flushed with lust over Vera’s sexily evil plan. “And….also illegal.”

“That’s the best part!” Vera giggled like a mad woman. “Leveraged buyouts are illegal in the monster world, but not in the human world! BainCapital, Vornado, and KKR ran Toys R’ Us into the fucking ground using this _exact method_.”

“Wow.” Damien said. “And humans say WE’RE the monsters.”

“You think Huniepop will take the bait, though?” Vicky asked.

“Of course they will.” Vera replied with a roll of her eyes. “Fundamentally, humans are two things - greedy and stupid. I promise them more money in their pockets, and they’ll be all but drooling…”

*****

After the limo pulled into the parking lot and the driver started playing Toon Blast because those Youtube ads have been EVERYWHERE lately, and if Ryan Reynolds tells you to play something, you’re gonna at least try it, the Slayer popped out of the trunk and tucked and rolled out.

In her experience, the gorgon known as ‘Vera’ taking a couple of lackeys with her in a limo NEVER leads to anything good, so she decided to investigate, and she’s glade she did - they were in the human world! The Slayer couldn’t believe it! She knew that gorgons were arrogant, but she never would’ve thought that this one would be so bold as to cross the veil!

The Slayer HAD to find out what that cold-blooded bitch was up to, and put a stop to it before it’s too late! She fired a grappling hook up into the nearby vent and climbed inside, stealthily infiltrating the building.

*****

The convention floor was a noisy cacophony of streamers, artists, and other creative types looking to make their mark on the world. Some were experiencing moderate success, but inevitably, some would be more popular than others. And, as luck would have it, Huniepop was definitely one of the more popular ones.

No doubt the outfits the four girls were wearing helped. Beli wore an ensemble Kyu once called ‘Eastern Desire’, a purple Arabian harem girl outfit that exposed her belly. Lailani was wearing a frilly white crop top and matching skirt, a prop starfish in her hair to help sell her ‘Island’ look. Candace was wearing her sexy police girl outfit and, as opposed to Beli and Lailani who were smiling and winking at passersby, Candace was tough and almost standoffish, really getting into character. Lola was wearing her old robin’s egg blue stewardess dress, ‘edited’ to leave her belly exposed - an ideal blend of business-like authority and playful flirtation, as she handed out business cards to anyone who asked about Huniepop.

It was then that a strange women flanked by two bodyguards approached - one a young man, the other a young woman. The young man in particular seemed averse to making eye-contact with Lola for some reason as the woman in the blue business jacket approached. “Well, well, well. So THESE are the girls of Huniepop…” the woman said in a sultry voice. “Strange. I thought there’d be more of you.”

“Oh there’s MUCH more honey where THESE Hunies came from.” Lola replied with a wink before holding out her hand. “Lola Rembrite. And not only am I the acting CEO of Huniepop, I’m also a proud entertainer.”

“Charmed.” the woman replied. “Vera Oberlin, Oberlin Financial Group.” she introduced herself as she and Lola exchanged business cards. “I’m guessing from these rather saucy outfits that Huniepop centers mostly on…’Adult Entertainment’?” she asked, using the PC term for porn.

“You know it.” Lola replied with a wink.

“Hmmmm…You know, I’ve been looking to invest in the adult entertainment industry.” Vera said. “It’s a reliable investment - doesn’t matter how bad a recession gets, people will pay for porn - but the problem is that it almost NEVER looks good on a portfolio. Many other industries want nothing to do with you once you start investing in cam girl businesses.”

“We’re well aware of the stigma, and we hate it as much as you.” Lola said. “More than you in fact. It’s _our_ livelihoods that’s getting stigmatized after all.”

“You wanna talk societal stigma? Try running a private equity firm!” Vera said. Both of the women laughed at the joke.

As the two women continued talking business, Beli, Lailani and Candace all heard something banging around. They all looked up and noticed the vents above them shaking and banging, as though something was crawling through them.

“Is…is someone crawling through there?” Beli asked.

“What, you mean, like in a movie?” Lailani asked.

“That can’t be right.” Candace said. “I learned on Mythbusters that there’s NO WAY you can actually sneak around in an air vent without getting caught - you make WAY too much noise.”

The pink-haired girl put her hands on her hips with an air of authority. “Yup - you’d have to be PRETTY STUPID to think no one would notice THAT.”

*****

The Slayer crawled through the vents, giggling the whole way. God, she loved air vents. You can sneak through them, go practically anywhere inside a large building, and no one suspects a thing!

She eventually came to a stop to a grate directly above Vera and some girl with an afro and…wearing a sexy stewardess get up? The hell? She tried to make out what they were talking about, but was having trouble making out what they were saying over the din of the convention hall outside. She only heard business talk like ‘investments’ and ‘opportunities.’ Is that what the gorgon was doing? Making contact? But with who?

She then saw a man walk up to them, and the afro girl smiled and winked playfully at the man before giving him a business card and resuming her conversation with the gorgon.

And that’s when it clicked.

_She’s a succubus!_

It all makes sense! Clearly, she and the gorgon are in league with each other and discussing their sinister plan! But what could that plan be?

She then saw the two walk off somewhere. The Slayer hissed out a curse as she tried to follow in the vague direction she saw them walk in. Eventually, she reached the end of the vent line…

And that’s when the grate beneath her gave out and she landed in a janitor’s storage closet - specifically directly into a trash can.

*****

“We’ll have a bit more privacy in here.” Lola said as she and Vera reconvened in the restroom. “So, you want to invest in Huniepop?”

“Oh, I want to do _so much more_ than that.” Vera replied. “Your company may be having some moderate success, but the online adult entertainment industry can be cutthroat. Like everything else these days, porn is rapidly changing, and you’ve GOT to keep up if you want to stay in business, otherwise you get left in the dust. The Oberlin Financial Group offers a service to small-time business - we provide capital to small businesses like yours so they can reinvest in infrastructure and expand, and all we ask for in return is a cut of the profits.”

“I see…” Lola said as she stroked her chin in thought. “And you want to offer that service to us?”

Vera smiled. “One phone call and I can give you six million dollars to spend however you like.”

Lola whistled. “Six million, huh? That’s a lot of money. Might I ask where it all comes from? I assume you’re not SO wealthy that you just _have_ six million lying around.”

“Well…we might have to take out a _small loan…_ ” Vera said.

“No thank you.” Lola said.

“…I beg your pardon?” Vera asked, her smile replaced by a scowl.

“I’m not interested in your company’s service.” Lola said. “Although, you’re perfectly welcome to invest in Huniepop normally, as many of our other investors do.”

“…Maybe you didn’t hear me.” Vera said as she tried to put her shark’s smile back on. “I’m offering you _six million dollars_ \- “

“And I’m saying no.” Lola said as she crossed her arms under her large breasts. “I wasn’t born yesterday, Ms. Oberlin. I know a leveraged buyout when I smell one.”

“…N-noooo.” Vera replied. “This isn’t a _leveraged_ buyout, it’s…..a…..freeform…..buyout.”

“You made that up.” Lola said.

“You can’t prove that I did.” Vera said.

“Point is, I was entrusted with the well-being of this company.” Lola said. “Which is why I’m not going to hand it over to a private equity firm just so they can run it into the ground like they did to Toys ‘R’ Us. Now then, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go back out with the girls and hand out business cards to _real_ business opportunities. Have a nice day, Ms. Oberlin.”

And with that, Lola turned on her heel and walked away. Vera stood there.

_Fucking fuming._

*****

The Slayer finally broke the door down out of the storage closet, rubbing her sore shoulder. Between this and that spill into the garbage she took earlier, this mission was NOT going as well as planned. What else could go wrong today?

“Aaravi? Is that you?”

The Slayer turned around and saw-

“Beli?!” the Slayer shouted. Her older cousin was standing beside a vending machine, bottled water in hand, wearing…an arabian harem girl outfit?!

“What are you doing here?!” the two Laprans asked each other. “And what are you wearing?!”

The Slayer than realized that her cloak and hunting gear must seem as ridiculous as Beli’s belly dancer get up. “I’m…cosplaying…” the Slayer answered. “What about you?!”

“I’m…cosplaying too!” Beli said.

“Okay - we’re both cosplaying.” the Slayer said.

“Yes. We are both normal.” Beli replied.

“And not doing ANYTHING weird.”

“Or lewd.”

“Exactly.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

“Very good.”

The two Laprans stood there for a moment. Then…

“Oh, hello Belli!”

 _Oh shit! The succubus!_ the Slayer thought as she immediately jumped into a battle stance. The afro’d demon approached the two girls in the hallway.

“You thirsty too, Beli?” the succubus asked casually, not really noticing the Slayer’s presence.

“Yeah.” Beli said. “How did that meeting go?”

“Not great.” the obviously-a-demon-disguised-as-a-human replied with a sigh. “She tried to push a bad deal on me, but Lola Rembrite is nobody’s sucker.”

She then turned to the Slayer, noticing her at last. “Oh. Hello there.”

“Lola, this is my little cousin I’ve told you about.” Beli said. “Aaravi, this is Lola. She’s my co-worker.”

_Co-worker?!_

“Well, I guess now she’s more like my boss.” Beli giggled.

_BOSS?!_

“Oh stop.” ‘Lola’ said as she crossed the distance between herself and the slayer and opened her hand. “A pleasure to finally meet you, Aaravi.”

“…Likewise…” Aaravi said as she took a step back, knowing better than to shake hands with a lustful demon. She HAD to be a succubus. The scantily-clad outfit, the enormous breasts, the aura of a woman that exhumed raw power and charisma - she had all the classic signs! It’s like she wasn’t even TRYING to hide it! “So…you’re Beli’s boss, huh? What do you guys do, anyway?”

“We-“

“Yoga!” Beli interrupted. “We….teach…..yoga…..together…..”

“Wearing THOSE outfits?” the Slayer asked.

“…She’s cosplaying too.” Beli replied.

“I am?” Lola asked before Beli elbowed her side. “I mean, of course I am!”

 _Beli’s hiding something._ the Slayer thought to herself. _But what?_

“I see…” the Slayer said. “…Well, this has been nice but I have to go….shuck….some….corn…..bye!” And with a flutter of her cloak, the Slayer turned around and sprinted down the hallway.

She didn’t know what the succubus was up to, but she was determined to find out.

*****

Beli sighed as soon as Aaravi left. “She doesn’t know you’re a cam girl?” Lola asked.

“Nobody in my family does.” Beli said. “And I’d prefer to keep it that way.”

“Alright.” Lola replied in understanding. “But for the record, she’s probably going to find out sooner or later. You’ll have to explain it to her eventually.”

“I know…” Beli said.

Lola put some money into the vending machine and got her own fix - an energy drink. “Come on, Beli. Let’s head back to the booth.”

*****

Lola Rembrite. There was her picture, hanging on the wall by a thumbtack, smiling at the camera. Beautiful. Confident. Powerful.

And then a knife flew through the air and landed right in her forehead, joining its sisters on several other parts of the photo.

“That little fucking TRAMP.” Vera said as she reached for another throwing knife. “Who the hell does she think she IS?!” Vicky and Damien watched as their friend/boss vented her frustrations. “From this day forward, Lola Rembrite is now my _sworn enemy_.”

“I thought Kyu was your sword enemy.” Vicky said.

“I have an entire list of sword enemies, Vicky.” Vera said. “Like Nixon.”

It was then that they heard a banging sound above them. The three monsters looked up and saw the air vent shaking and banging, as though someone were inside. It stopped, and then a few seconds later, the Slayer dropped through the grate and landed on the gorgon’s desk.

“Haha!” the Slayer said. “I’ve stealthily infiltrated your lair, you cold-blooded cunt!”

“…Stealthily. Sure.” Vera conceded.

“I’ve been spying on you for a while now.” The Slayer said. “And as much as I hate to admit it…”

The Slayer took out one of her crossbows and aimed it at Lola’s picture. The bolt, however, completely missed the picture. “We share a common enemy…”

“…We both want to kill Scott?” Vera said as she looked at where the bolt landed - right on Scott’s naked butt. The photo was from Vera’s hidden cameras in the boys’ locker room.

“What? No!” the Slayer said as she hopped off the desk and pointed to Lola. “Her! The succubus!”

“Succubus?” Damien said. “Yeah, I know my demons, and I’m pretty sure she isn’t-“

Vera interrupted Damien with an elbow jab. “…Isn’t NOT a succubus! Because she totally is one!” Damien said. “Yup! I am definitely telling the truth!”

“I KNEW IT!” the Slayer snapped. “We gotta stop her!”

“And you’re willing to team up with US to do it?” Vicky asked, skeptical.

“Normally, I wouldn’t ever accept help from filthy monsters, but the succubus has enthralled my cousin into some kind of sex cult.” the Slayer said. “So yeah - this just got _personal_.”

“I see…” Vera said with an evil smile. “Well then, perhaps we can help each other…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, going into this, I didn't really PLAN for Vera to suddenly become the Big Bad in this fanfic. It just kinda HAPPENED that way.
> 
> I'm glad it did, though.


	16. Progress Report

“Attention, subjects!” Miranda said as she stood up at the cafeteria table.

Oz and Momo looked at each other. “Is fishy lady talking to us?” the cat girl asked.

“Well, we ARE the only two people here.” Oz replied with a shrug.

“It has come to my attention that we now have only a little over a week until Monster Prom!” Miranda stated. “And, after much consideration, I have decided to run for Prom Queen!”

“Cool!” Oz said. “You really think you can win?”

“But of course!” Miranda replied. “I’ve already disposed of several other rivals, which realistically speaking, only leaves Vera. And according to rumor, she’s currently preoccupied with a quest for revenge - meaning that there is no one left to stand in my way as Prom Queen!” she giggled deviously.

“Nice!” Oz said. “…Wait, what do you mean ‘disposed of’?”

“Now then, I’ll need a King to accompany me to Prom this year.” Miranda went on, ignoring Oz’s question. “Now, who would be a worthy king…”

Oz’s heart skipped a beat. This was it! Their big chance! They were going to ask Miranda to prom. They stood up from their chair. “Miranda…I-“

Oz was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a distortion in time and space, creating a portal to another dimension right next to the table. Out hopped a blue-skinned man wearing a white prince’s outfit, weird headgear, and a rose in his hand. The portal disappeared behind him as he knelt on one knee.

“Greetings, dearest Miranda.” the mystery man said. “I, the Interdimensional Prince, have heard your plea for a suitor to this year’s promenade dance. I have come to fulfill your dream.”

 _Oh no, not now…_ Oz thought to themselves. This wasn’t the first time this interdimensional creep dropped by, looking to pick up some random high schooler, but the timing of this particular instance couldn’t be worse.

“A prince, you say?” Miranda asked with a glimmer in her eye. “From another dimension no less. Impressive!”

Oh no! She was actually considering the prince’s offer. Think, think, think…Oh, to hell with it! They fell to one knee, right next to the Interdimensional Prince, and produced a black rose that he kept on his person for emergencies like this. “Miranda, will you go to Prom with me?” they asked. They knew it was risky, popping the question this early with a whole week to go until the big night, but with that big blue cockblocker about to steal Miranda away, it was now or never.

“Oz…” Miranda said. “I…I don’t know what to say.”

“Say yes?” Oz asked.

“I…I would need to think about it.” Miranda confessed.

“But what of me, my love?” the prince asked.

“Oh, I’m sorry, are you still here?” Miranda asked.

The prince sighed and slinked back through the portal from which he came.

*****

“…And then Kyu showed up and just started throwing a shit fit. She was all like ‘oh my God, let her go, you can’t eat her’, so we had to let her go.”

The totem around Brian’s neck hummed in a million forgotten tongues from across the cosmos. “I know, right?” Brian asked. The zombie was sitting alone at a table that day, eating his lunch in peace and sharing some of the fleshier bits with the totem - which seemed to LOVE flesh. He only had the totem for a day, but he already felt pretty close to the little guy. “Anyway, she’s back in the human world, Liam wants nothing to do with me, and I’m back at square one. It’s frustrating, you know?”

The totem projectile vomited a mysterious black liquid ten feet in the air.

“Wonder how the others are doing.” Brian pondered.

*****

Amira was running out of both time and options. Scott, her primary crush, wasn’t returning any of her texts. He may have accepted her apology for setting him on fire, but calling him a bad boy? There are some things even the all-loving Scott can’t easily forgive.

Even worse, Miranda, her long-time back-up crush for if things didn’t work out with Scott, was being worked on by Oz. Oz! The shadow who broke out in a sweat if a pretty girl so much as BREATHED in their general direction! How the hell were THEY getting lucky?!

The djinn ground her teeth in frustration as she looked out over the sea of faces in the cafeteria. Everywhere she looked, she saw happy faces, paired off with other happy faces - and not single sad, lonely face for her to hook up with! It made her so mad that she wanted to throw her whole table across the room!

So that’s exactly what she did.

*****

Kyu was observing her students from afar, invisible, and ducked as the table Amira just threw flew over her head. “FUCK YOU ALL!!!” Amira shouted as she flipped off the entire school and jumped out the window, shattering the glass. Few people noticed, as jumping, getting thrown through, or otherwise flying out of windows is something that happens a lot at this school.

“…It MIGHT be time for a meeting.” Kyu said to herself.

*****

Meanwhile, back in the human world, Damien, Vicky, and the Slayer were all getting ready to assassinate Lola Rembrite. The trio waited outside Huniepop Studio in Damien’s van, waiting for the afro’d demon to emerge. As they waited, the Slayer busied herself by dipping her special demon-stabbing knife in holy water over and over again.

“You sure this is the place?” Vicky asked.

“Positive!” the Slayer said. “I tailed her here this morning. This must be where she runs her sex cult!”

“Pretty sure this is where my friend Audrey works.” Damien said.

“Which means Tiffany and Zoey work here too…” Vicky said. “Holy shit. You think THEY’RE in the sex cult too?”

“Most likely.” the Slayer said. “Succubi are naturally charismatic creatures. She could have HUNDREDS of thralls for all we know.”

It was then that two young women emerged from the building - a young one with black hair, pale skin and wearing a revealing all-black outfit, and a taller, stockier woman with a large bust and a mole on her cheek. They each took out some cigarettes and lit them up. “My God, what are they doing…” the Slayer muttered to herself.

“Looks like they’re having a smoke break.” Damien said.

“Only to the untrained eye.” the Slayer boasted. “In reality, they are empowering themselves by breathing deep sulfur from the seventh circle! They’re more succubi in disguise!”

“…Yeah, as a demon myself, I can tell you categorically that ‘breathing deep sulfur’ isn’t a thing we do. Pretty sure you just picked that up from video games.” Damien said.

“I’m going to go interrogate them. Find out what they know.” the Slayer said before she slipped out of the van and into the shadows.

“…So, are we going to tell her that this isn’t a sex cult and is actually a cam girl operation?” Vicky asked. “…And that her cousin is an internet porn star?”

“Nah. This is funnier.” Damien said as he leaned back and took out a bag of popcorn.

“You gonna share those?” Vicky asked.

*****

“Ugh - did you see Audrey’s hair this morning?” Lillian asked. “Like, frizz alert.”

“Yeah, she keeps blaming Kyanna for her shitty hair, but let’s face it, there’s only so much my cousin can do for that mess. She’s no miracle-worker.” Nora replied.

“Hey! Succubitches!”

The two girls looked up and saw…a cosplayer? She was wearing green contact lenses and a red leather cloak, and was smiling down on them evilly. “…And you are?” Nora asked.

“Your worst nightmare, punks!” the cosplayer replied as she jumped down and stood before them - all five feet and four inches of her. “Now! If the two of you value your kneecaps, you’re going to tell me EVERYTHING about your leader’s plans RIGHT NOW!”

“…Feels like we’re getting pranked. Are we getting pranked?” Nora asked as she looked around for somebody with a camera.

“Wait! We’re gonna be on Youtube?! Shit, I look a mess!” Lilian panicked as she began combing her fingers through her hair.

“This is no prank, _demons_!” the cosplayer hissed. “This is your end!” She then produced a dagger. “Now start talking before I send you home with a spanking!”

“…I think she’s trying to mug us.” Lilian replied.

“Nah, she’s no mugger. I can tell.” Nora said. “I mean, who mugs people lookin’ like some Assassin’s Creed motherfucker? We are DEFINITELY getting youtube pranked right now.”

“Damn it! Quit playing dumb you demonic hussies!” the cosplayer ranted. “I know this is the lair of your vile sex cult and Lola Rembrite is your leader! TELL ME WHERE SHE IS!!!”

“Yeeeaaaah, prank or no, I’m not gonna tell some crazy girl with a knife where my boss is.” Nora said.

The cosplayer growled. “Fine! I guess we’ll be doing things the HARD WAY!!!” She then leapt up and did a spin-kick in mid-air, kicking the cigarette right out of Nora’s mouth. She landed and grinned triumphantly. “Ha-ha! Scared yet?”

Nora looked at the cigarette as it rolled down the parking lot, pushed by a strong breeze that blew through, until it eventually hit the road, where it was sucked up by a nearby street sweeper. She looked down into her cigarette box, confirming that that had been, indeed, her last cigarette. She looked back up at the cosplayer with a strangely neutral expression.

“…Welp.” Nora said. “Looks like I’ll be killin’ a bitch today.”

“Ha! If you think you can intimidate _The Slayer_ so easily, then you sorely mis-“

_THWACK!!!_

*****

Vicky covered her mouth in horror as she watched the carnage unfold, as the bustier of the two girls threw the Slayer around like a rag doll and beat her relentlessly. “She…she’s not even fighting back.” she whispered.

“I know, right?!” Damien said as he filmed the whole thing on his smart phone. “It’s like watching an oni beat up a handicapped kid! It’s one-sidedly gruesome in all the right ways!”

*****

“Okay, students!” Kyu said. After class, Oz, Amira and Brian all assembled in her classroom to discuss the next course of action. She snapped her fingers and the official Prom Clock appeared. 195 hours and 29 minutes until Monster Prom. “As you can see, we are closing in on the final week and things aren’t…going to plan.”

“I’ll say!” Amira raged as her hair flared up. “Scott won’t return any of my texts, and the closest thing Brian is getting to play right now is that freaky totem thing!”

The totem of Z’gord screeched so shrilly all the glass in Kyu’s classroom shattered.

Including the prop glasses she brought to complete her sexy teacher ensemble.

“…You know Brian, I HAVE been meaning to ask about that thing.” Kyu said as she removed and tossed away her frames. “But we’ll get to that in a moment. Oz! You’re doing very well with Miranda, correct?”

“I mean…I was…” Oz said. “I uh….I kinda asked her out to Prom today and…she needs to think about it.”

“What?!” Kyu demanded. “Oz! What were you THINKING?! It’s WAY too early to ask her to prom!”

“A prince from another dimension was about to sweep her off her feet!” Oz replied. “I had to do SOMETHING!”

“Okay, okay, it’s fine, we can salvage this.” Kyu said. “Oz, get Miranda a gift. A fancy dinner, a singing telegram, SOMETHING. Let her know that you are TOTALLY prom material!”

“Alright…I can do that!” Oz said with determination.

“Okay. Brian.” Kyu said as she turned to the zombie. “Your totem may be an abomination whose very existence spits in the eye of creation itself, but it IS something that can help you get laid.”

“It is?” Brian asked.

“It’s an ICE BREAKER. It starts conversations and makes you seem more interesting than you actually are.” Kyu said. “In the love fairy business, that’s called the ‘white guy with a chinese tattoo’ effect. Head down to the mall this weekend, see who you can lure into a conversation with that thing.”

Kyu then turned to the djinn. “Finally, Amira. Wow. Amazing the difference one little newspaper swat to the nose can make, huh?”

Amira growled.

“Okay - I’m not gonna lie, your odds don’t look good.” Kyu said. “We’ve only got a week to prom, and you have literally NO prospects. Right now, your best hope is to go with Brian and let him wing-man for you. His totem should help.”

Amira sighed. “What other choice do I have?”

“…I mean, you could go to prom by yourself and just focus on having a good time.” Brian said.

Oz, Amira, and Kyu all gave the zombie incredulous looks.

“…See Brian, this is why you’re still single.” Kyu said.

“Hey, I just noticed - where’s Vicky?” Oz said.

Kyu scoffed. “Didn’t you get the memo? Vicky graduated. She’s got Vera wrapped around her finger, so she doesn’t need ME anymore. Hm. I wonder what they’re up to.”

*****

“…And according to the doctors, between the severe concussion and the fourteen broken bones, the Slayer is going to be out of commission for AT LEAST a week.” Vicky reported.

“Good God.” Vera said, her eyes as wide as saucers. “I had no idea Rembrite had such a vicious security detail.”

“Porn, man. It’s a rough business.” Damien commented.

“Right - so a head-on assault is now officially off the table. Good thing I used the Slayer as a guinea pig to test their defenses instead of one of my more valuable minions.” Vera said.

Vicky gasped and blushed. Vera said she was valuable.

“Cons don’t work, assassination attempts don’t work…” Vera said as she walked over to a pinned photo on her wall - one of Huniepop Studios. “Normally, such a small operation wouldn’t even be a blip on my radar, but Huniepop’s continued insistence on _not dying_ is beginning to seriously irk me.”

Vicky suddenly gasped. “Vera! I think I got an idea!” she said. “If we can’t take down Huniepop from the outside…let’s do it from the INSIDE!!!”

“…Go on.” Vera asked, intrigued.

*****

The next morning, in the human world, there came a knock at the door. “I’ll get it!” Sarah said as she bounced over. “Konichi-wa! Welcome to Huniepop Studios! How may I help you?”

“Hi, my name is Vicky and I want a job here!” Vicky the definitely-a-human introduced herself.


	17. A Monstrous Thirst

“Sooo, Ms. Schmidt…” Lola said as she looked over Vicky’s resumé in the CEO’s office. “You want to work at Huniepop.”

“Yup!” Vicky replied enthusiastically.

“And you’re applying to become…a janitor?” Lola asked.

“Of course!” Vicky replied. “I’m a pretty, naive, 19-year-old girl who’s eager to please! What else could I possibly do in a porn studio?”

“Well…we DON’T have a dedicated janitor…and I suppose we do need one. Especially on set.” Lola pondered aloud. She looked up to her assistant. “Bradley? Thoughts?”

“Well, normally I’d be concerned about squeezing in another payroll on our current budget.” Bradley said as he checked his tablet. “But, in light of recent rises in profit and productivity, it is feasible to expand our workforce.”

“Hmmm….” Lola hummed in thought as she leaned back in her chair. “Alright - let’s give it a try! When can you start?”

“Immediately!” Vicky replied.

“Perfect!” Lola said as she snapped her fingers. Bradley then handed Vicky a plunger. “There’s a toilet on the first floor that’s been plugged up for a week. Go take care of that, would you? Bradley, send a group text and let everyone know about our new employee!”

*****

After de-clogging and cleaning that toilet, Vicky washed her hands and made her way down to the employee lounge for a well-deserved snack. It was there that she spotted one of the older women who worked here, sitting on the recliner chair.

“Oh? Well hellooo.” the said as she rose from the chair. “You must be the new girl.” She was a very busty woman, wearing a leopard-print crop top that contained her assets.

“Yup! I’m Vicky!” Vicky enthusiastically replied. “I clean stuff!”

“And we TRULY appreciate it…” the woman said as she approached the younger girl. The closer she got, the more Vicky felt a warm heat flushing her cheeks. The woman was looking at her with a certain… _hunger_ that sent pleasant chills down the flesh golem’s spine.

“Just…..just doin’ my job…..” Vicky replied, a bit nervous as she swallowed in a throat that was getting dryer by the second.

The woman smiled a smile that seemed to promise countless pleasures untold. “My name’s Jessie, by the way.” she said with a wink.

 _Please step on me._ Vicky wanted to say.

“Mom!” Tiffany said as she entered the room with arms full of groceries. “It’s her _first day_!”

“Oh come on, Tiff. I’m just saying hi.” Jessie replied with a roll of her eyes.

“…Sh-she can say hi to me.” Vicky squeaked. “She can say hi whenever she wants. Anywhere she wants. In a closet. In a bathroom stall. I’m not picky.”

Tiffany sighed. “Come on Vicky, let’s get you out of here before my succubus mother swallows your soul.” she said as she guided the other blonde out of the roof.

“No! It’s fine! She can swallow my soul!” Vicky protested as Jessie waved goodbye.

“Ah - I love fresh meat.” Jessie said to herself.

*****

After that, Vicky’s next task was to head on stage and pick up some of the loose garbage before the next big stream. Should be easy enough.

The soundstage was massive. The cavernous room nearly took up the whole of the warehouse. In the middle was the stage itself - an assortment of couches and beds on a raised platform surrounded by bright lights. In the center of the platform at the moment was a tall pole.

And a big-breasted pink-haired girl twirling around it. “Oh, hi there!” she said as she hung upside-down around the pole. “I’m Candace! You’re the janitor girl. Mickey, right?”

“…V….Vicky.” Vicky replied as her blush came back in force at the sight of the pink-haired. supremely well-endowed _goddess_ twirled around the pole.

“Yeah, sorry about all the candy wrappers on the floor.” the woman apologized as she casually climbed down and slowly rocked her hips against the pole like it was her lover. “I’ve got a weakness for milky way.”

“…No problem.” Vicky squeaked as her cardigan sweater, normally sensible for late October, suddenly started feeling WAY too hot. “I’ll just….pick up trash now.”

“Okay!” Candace replied as she leaned towards Vicky and shook her chest, making her F-cups jiggle. Vicky did not, in fact, pick anything up, but rather just stood there, drool escaping from the corner of her mouth.

*****

Audrey was pissed.

Well, she was constantly pissed, but this was more than usual.

Her stream was in less than two hours and she can’t do SHIT with her hair. It was frizzy, littered with loose ends, it was just a mess. “Fuckin’ whore-ass bitch…” she muttered as she tried to brush it. It was then that her phone beeped. She checked it and saw that it was a text from Damien. “Oh fuck…”

Audrey vaguely remembered that awkward night out where she drunkenly tried to proposition Damien. He’d better not talk about THAT, if he knew what was good for him.

_What’s up, you big cunt?_

Oh thank God - he wasn’t going to make this weird.

_Not much. Just having hair trouble._

_…Hair trouble?_

_What, you want a fucking novel about it? I’ve got hair trouble! And I’ve gotta stream tonight! I can’t go online looking like shit!_

_…Be right there._

Audrey wasn’t sure what Damien’s last text meant, until about five minutes later, when the boy suddenly burst in through the window. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” Audrey jumped.

Damien stood up - pair of scissors in one hand, comb in the other. “Let’s do this shit.”

*****

Vicky had been splashing cold water into her face for the last twenty minutes. She wasn’t sure how much more of this she could take. In the last three hours, she had witnessed Aiko and Nora making out, Marlena playing with her breasts, and a woman who was only known as ‘The Masked Madame’ perform an extended strip tease that drove Vicky so crazy she was about to pull her hair out.

Why didn’t anyone WARN HER that there would be so many hotties in this cam girl studio?!

“Okay…you can do this. Yooooooou can do this.” Vicky tried to encourage her reflection. She stepped outside the bathroom…

“Renee, do my breasts look…off center?” Beli asked as she lifted up her top.

“Whaddaya mean?” Renee asked.

“I mean…is one slightly bigger than the other?” Beli asked.

“What the - when did THIS start?”

“It’s just…something I’ve been noticing lately…”

“Beli, girl, you spend WAY too much time judgin’ your own body. Ain’t healthy. Look at MY boobs!” Renee lifted up her own top. “You don’t see me second-guessin’ them, do ya?”

“HNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!” Vicky groaned as she bit her knuckle.

“Uh…you okay there, new girl?” Renee asked.

“I’M FINE THANK YOU.” Vicky replied through gritted teeth.

It was then that Tiffany bounded around the corner. “Girls! We might have a situation! Damien’s back!”

“Ah, hell.” Renee said. “What’s he doin’ now?”

“He’s….doing Audrey’s hair….” Tiffany said, suddenly realizing just how insane and bizarre this whole situation was.

*****

“Holy shit!” Audrey said as she marveled at her hair in the mirror. Not only was it combed down to near perfection, but it now sported a very stylish black/white color scheme with the right side of her hair being white, and the left side being black. “I look fucking amazing!”

“Yeah well, I had some hair dye on me too.” Damien humble-bragged.

“Let me see if I’ve got this right.” Lola began as she stepped forward. “You literally _broke into my studio_ …to give my employee a _haircut?_ ”

“Hey - I had to help out a friend in need.” Damien said. “Awesome hair is worth the price of a broken window.”

“I’ll say!” Audrey agreed. “Lola - you have GOT to give Damien a job here!”

“I beg your pardon?” Lola asked.

“Damien is like, the BEST hair dresser I’ve ever had!” Audrey said. “He’s definitely better than that one fucking skank that used to do my hair!”

“Um, hi, _standing right here._ ” Kyanna said.

“Besides, I think it’s high-time we got our own hair dresser!” Audrey continued to rant.

“It WOULD be nice to not have to do my own hair anymore.” Aiko said.

“Hmm…” Lola hummed as she looked between Damien and the broken window. “…Alright. Consider it your way of working off the window you broke.”

“Bitchin’!” Damien replied.

*****

“Excellent!” Vera said as she clapped her hands together. “Now I’ve got not one, but TWO moles successfully implanted into Huniepop Studios. Kyu and Lola’s reckoning is nigh!” The gorgon laughed evilly.

She paused in her laughter as she saw Vicky - red as a beat, hair frizzed, and tightly gripping the couch like she was about to explode. “Vicky, what’s wrong?”

“I….I…..I just need to go home.” Vicky said.

“Oh, not yet you can’t.” Vera replied with a smirk. “We have MUCH to plan, still…”

“…Vera, I mean it, I NEED somewhere I can be alone for like, five minutes.” Vicky insisted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one - but as the final week looms, we're nearing the conclusion to this epic crossover!


	18. The Challenge

“Hey there, pretty lady.” Brian flirted with the passing centaur girl. “Wanna see my totem?”

The totem opened its mouth and unleashed a swarm on mosquitos upon the centaur, who galloped off screaming as the bugs began buzzing around her head and biting her skin.

Brian scowled as he looked down at the totem. “That’s the third one you’ve scared away.” he chided. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d suspect you were doing this on purpose.”

Amira openly groaned as she sat next to Brian at the food court table. “You are the WORST wingman EVER. Why are we even here? It’s already too late for us!”

“It’s not over until Hallowed Hour begins.” Brian replied. “Until then, I’m going to at least TRY to find another date.”

“A couple of weeks ago, you were ready to write Monster Prom off and go see a movie instead!” Amira argued.

“That was before Kyu came into the picture and gave me hope.” Brian said.

“Hope. We were better off without it!” Amira grunted. “We might’ve been miserable before Kyu came along, but at least we were content! Now that she’s filled our minds with false hope, we’re all worse off than ever!”

“What are you talking about?” Brian asked. “Oz and Vicky _have dates_.”

“Yeah - and they barely hang out with us anymore!” Amira ranted. “Seriously - ever since Vicky became Vera’s minion / girlfriend, we like, NEVER see her outside of class. And Oz isn’t much better!”

“Is it just me, or have you gotten really negative lately?” Brian asked.

“…I blew it with Scott!” Amira started weeping. “He was perfect and buff and he was a sure thing and I fucking blew it!” She weeped embers instead of tears, which made Brian thankful that the laminated floor beneath them wasn’t flammable.

“Hey, it’s fine.” Brian said as he patted Amira on the shoulder. “We’ll find you another date before prom.”

Amira just nodded and sniffled. “I’m gonna go to the Cinnabon stand. Only warm frosting can fill this hole in my heart.” The djinn then pathetically limped off to the Cinnabon stand, leaving Brian to continue using his totem of darkness to woo passersby with limited success.

Not two minutes after she got in line, however, that a pair of giant fish-men wearing suits grabbed the djinn and dragged her off. “Woah! What the - where are you taking me?!”

“The princess would like a word with you…” one fish man growled.

“Can’t it wait until AFTER I’ve HEALED MY HEART WITH BAKED GOODS?!” Amira demanded, frustrated with a universe hellbent on toying with her.

“No.” the other fish man said. “ _Nobody_ keeps Princess Miranda waiting…”

The djinn’s kidnapping didn’t go unnoticed. “Yeah, I saw it too little buddy.” Brian said as he watched his friend get dragged off. “What do you think we should do?”

The totem answered by floating after them, dragging Brian along an account of being a necklace. “Hey, hey, not so fast!” the zombie protested as he was being choked.

*****

“Amira Radish!” Miranda said. “So good to see you!”

“…It’s _Rashid._ ” Amira corrected.

“Details.” the princes replied with a wave. The two girls were standing by the vending machine in a less crowded corner of the mall, giving the two a bit more privacy. “I have summoned you here to discuss something of great import. You are friends with Oz, yes?”

“Yeah.” Amira said.

“Splendid! Then perhaps you can advise me.” Miranda said. “Oz has recently asked to become my king and take me to this year’s Monster Prom but….well, to be truthful, I’m simply unsure.” Miranda said as she sighed in a regal way. “You see, I have been developing feelings for Oz these last few days - he’s oh so charming. But…when he asked me to prom….it was all so sudden! I…I needed to time to think. But I can’t seem to decide! My mind says one thing, but my heart says another!”

“Amira….please tell me….I need to know…If Oz were silverware, what would he be?”

“…If he were _silverware?_ ” Amira asked.

“Yes! Please Amira…” Miranda said as she stepped close to Amira. The djinn could make out Miranda’s many pretty features - her round face, big blue eyes, long beautiful hair, and soft, moist, inviting lips. “The answer to your question could determine who I take to prom…”

Amira put on an evil grin.

“Bread.” she answered. “Oz would be bread.”

“…Bread?” Miranda asked. “But…that isn’t silverware.”

“ _Exactly._ ” Amira replied. “Oz may ACT all high and mighty, but he isn’t SHIT!”

“Oh dear…” Miranda said.

“Now….ME…on the other hand….” Amira smiled. “I’m like a solid gold salad fork baby.” the djinn tossed the mermaid a wink.

“You are?!” Miranda asked with a sparkle in her eye.

*****

“Woah.” Brian said as he saw Amira totally sabotage Oz’s chance with Miranda for her own benefit. “Didn’t think Amira was that ruthless.”

The air around the totem burned and freezes at the same time.

“I know, right?” Brian said to his little friend.

“Know what?”

Brian jumped and discovered Oz standing right behind him. “Uh…” the zombie muttered.

“Something wrong, Brian?” Oz asked. They were holding a small statue of a kraken god.

“What’s that?” Brian said as he pointed to the statue.

“Oh this? Just something I got from the gift shop. I think Miranda would really like it!” Oz said.

“I’m sure she would.” Brian said with a nod. “Speaking of Miranda, don’t look over there.” he said as he pointed to the goons.

“Why?” Oz asked.

It was then that Amira and Miranda emerged from the corner, laughing with each other. “Oh Amira - I’d be DELIGHTED to go to prom with you!” Miranda said.

“WHAT?!” Oz shouted as they dropped the statue.

Miranda gasped. “Oz! It’s….it’s not what you think!”

“Miranda….how could you….” Oz then turned to Amira. “With one of my _best friends_ no less!”

“Hey - snooze, you lose, shadow man.” Amira said as she crossed her arms. “All’s fair in love and war.”

“That’s not what Kyu taught us!” Oz said. “She taught us that love is a TEAM sport! We were supposed to help each other! Not work against each other!”

“Well, you can help me, by stop being a little baby and just let me steal your girl.” Amira said.

Oz had had enough. They glanced to Miranda and knew exactly what to do. “Amira! I challenge you to a duel for the right to take Miranda to Monster Prom!”

Miranda gasped. “Oh my! A duel?!” she asked. “How exciting!”

“Uh…I’m not sure if this is such a good idea…” Brian said nervously.

“Nonsense! This is a PERFECT idea!” Miranda said. “It is decided then! The duel shall take place by the big tree behind the school, tomorrow morning at dawn!”

“Sounds good to me!” Oz said as they stared down Amira. Amira was more than happy to stare right back.

*****

For the last week, Vera’s wall had been decorated with different photographs of people and places from the human world.

Zoey Greene. The girl who got lost and wandered off the edge of the map.

Tiffany Maye. The girl who unwittingly showed kindness to a monster.

Lola Rembrite. Prime thrall to the fae.

Huniepop Studios. The place where they and many others worked.

All connected by one common denominator - Ms. Kyu Sugardust. Love Fairy. Sex Ed. Teacher.

Someone who made the mistake of talking down to the one and only _Vera Oberlin._

Vera smiled as she observe this collage of photos and newspaper articles, connected to one another by string. Her two minions, Vicky and Damien, had not only manage to befriend several of these so-called ‘Hunies’, but have even gotten jobs within the studio. And thus far, Kyu was none the wiser.

All the pieces were in place. At this point, the question was simple - how? How, exactly, would Vera use Huniepop against Kyu? How could she grind the love fairy’s dreams to dust?

It was then that the gorgon got a cell phone call. She sighed and answered it. “What?” she asked.

“Vera! Dude! Did you hear?!” Damien’s excited voice came. “The fire-headed bitch who I totally beat in a fight a week ago is gonna fight that shadow guy tomorrow at dawn! It’s gonna be BLOODY!!!”

“And I should care…..why?” Vera asked.

“Um, did you not hear me? It’s going to be BLOODY!!!” Damien insisted.

Ordinarily, Vera would’ve sighed. But, as it often did, her keen business-oriented mind saw opportunity in chaotic stupidity. Djinns were powerful when enraged - Amira’s little rampage back in Monsterland proved that. If the fight was going to be so close to the school then…

…Oh yes. A whole slew of possibilities flooded the gorgon’s mind, and the way ahead became clear.

“…I’ll be there Damien.” Vera said. “ _With bells on._ ” She then hung up before Damien could make fun of her for using such a lame phrase.

All of the pieces were in place. All she had to do now was begin setting the stage for Huniepop’s downfall…


	19. The Duel

6am. Sunday. Most high school students are asleep at this hour. The school, completely deserted. But not today. For the promise of spilled blood has brought every monster to the schoolyard. A crowd gathered around the tree as Amira and Oz stared each other down.

As Brian watched from the crowd, Kyu fluttered up to his side. “Alright, so I’ve been grading papers all day yesterday, so remind me again why Oz and Amira are about to _duel to the death?_ ”

“Basically, Amira tried to steal Oz’s girl.” Brian elaborated. “Oz challenged Amira to a duel for Amira’s honor and thus, here we are.”

Kyu just sighed. “This is the _last time_ I take on multiple clients at once.”

Elsewhere in the crowd, Vera smiled evilly as she knitted her fingers together. “Yesss….it’s all coming together….” she giggled.

As Oz and Amira stared each other down, an orange-ish blob in a baseball cap slithered between the two of them. “Hi everyone! I’m Blobby!”

“Hi Blobby!” the crowd replied, always happy to see Spooky High’s friendliest slime.

“And I’m going to be the referee for this fight!” Blobby said as he exchanged his baseball cap for a referee cap. He then turned to Oz and Amira. “Alright, you two. I want a good, clean fight. No low blows. Got it?”

Grimly, the shadow and the djinn nodded.

“Okay…here we go!” Blobbert said as he placed a boombox on the ground and pressed play. “Begin!”

As the hiphop song began playing, Oz began with several shoulder pops and a moonwalk in a circle.

Amira scoffed and immediately countered with not only shoulder pops, but also elbow and neck pops, looking more machine than woman.

Oz pulled a 180-neck spin - easy to do when you’re partially incorporeal.

The crowd cheered on as the dance duel commenced. Save for Vera, who looked on with something between confusion and contempt. “…What?” she finally asked. “But…I…There was supposed to be an orgy of chaos and destruction! WHERE IS THE ORGY?!”

“On the one hand, I too am disappointed by the lack of blood.” Damien commented, standing next to the gorgon. “On the other hand, shadow boy’s got some dope-ass moves.”

Vera snarled in frustration as she spared a glance at the gymnasium - the place that was SUPPOSED to get wrecked in this monster fight. But these two can’t wreck anything in a dance duel except their own stupid ankles! She then decided for Plan B, which in retrospect, she probably should’ve done to begin with.

“Damien.” Vera said as she turned to demon. “Would you like to destroy a building right now?”

“…Yes Vera. Yes I would.” Damien replied with a smirk.

*****

The breakdance competition was so long and epic that it defies description. It lasted for hours, and by the time was sun was at its highest point in the sky, the two dancers were sweaty messes. “Give it up, Oz!” Amira taunted. “You’re out of your league!”

“Never!” Oz replied.

“Oh my…” Miranda said as she fanned herself. “Such passion! Such competition! Over _me!_ Oh truly, I am the luckiest princess in the world!”

“Uh, master?” Momo said as she walked up to Oz’s side.

“Not now, Momo.” Oz panted. “I think I’ve got her on the ropes.”

“But master, the gymnasium is on fire.” Momo said.

“What?” Oz asked. Momo pointed to the gym.

The school gymnasium was on fire, a huge blaze that must’ve been roaring for hours. With the screech of metal, the structure finally collapsed into a pile of burning rubble. The fact that Oz was _just now_ noticing all this was a testament to just how into the dancing he was.

“Haha! Oz stopped dancing!” Amira cheered. “That means I win!”

“What?!” Oz demanded.

“It’s true - you stopped dancing for a second.” Blobby said. “That’s an automatic forfeit.”

“But-but-but-“ Oz stuttered.

“I hereby proclaim Amira the winner!” Blobby said as he held up Amira’s sweaty, triumphant fist. As Miranda bounded and all but leapt into Amira’s arms, Oz just drooped on the spot, once again ready to curl up into a ball and die. Momo tried to comfort her master by cuddling up to him, purring all the while.

“Nice work, Damien.” Vera congratulated.

“It’s what I do.” a soot-covered Damien in a half-burnt off shirt replied. “Although…why did you want the gym burned down?”

“I’m glad you asked…” Vera said as she began to explain her evil plan.

*****

The next day, Monday, class was back in session. However, rather than homeroom, the students of Spooky High were asked to gather in front of the school for a special announcement. Principal Giant Spider stood in front of the microphone with the faculty sitting just to the side of him in fold-up chairs.

“Students - I have an announcement to make.” the giant talking arachnid began. “As you are all no doubt aware, our beloved gymnasium burnt down yesterday. The good news is that its reconstruction can be easily covered by our reconstruction budget, which covers the constant repairs and renovations necessary to maintain a high school full of teenage monsters, and only at the cost teachers’ salary, school supplies, textbooks and general educational quality.”

 _So THAT’S why the pay here is dick._ Kyu thought to herself from her seat amongst the faculty.

“The bad news is, it will likely not be complete in time for this year’s Monster Prom this weekend.” Principal Giant Spider said, just before deploying the umbrella that would block the incoming barrage of rotten tomatoes.

It was then that Vera looked at Damien. Damien looked back. Vera scowled at elbowed Damien. Damien grunted and nodded. “Excuse me, Principal Giant Spider.” the demon said in a tone of voice that obviously rehearsed and not his own words. “If we can’t have our Monster Prom here, why don’t we simply have it somewhere else?”

“Oh, I wish we could, dear student.” the principal replied. “But where?”

“How about my place of work?” Damien asked. “I will ask my boss if it’s okay with her.”

“Hm…well…I suppose if she’s willing to chaperone than…..alright then!” the principal said. “Students! The Monster Prom may well still be on!”

The entire crowd erupted into cheers.

*****

“Okay!” Kyu said as she appeared before Brian and Oz while they were sitting at their table in the cafeteria. “Amira and Vicky have prom dates in the bag, but I don’t know the status updates on you two. Oz? How you doin’ champ?”

“…How am I doin’?” Oz asked as he all but GLARED at the love fairy. “I’ve struck out TWICE in as many weeks! So that’s it! I’m done! I’m officially DONE with Monster Prom!”

“Aw, come on, Master!” Momo said. “Don’t give up, nya!”

“I’m sorry Momo, but…it’s over!” Oz said. “Nobody wants to go to prom with me! NOBODY!!! I’M THIS HORRID UNLOVABLE THING!!!”

“…Well…” Momo said. “Maybe someone DOES want to go to prom and you just…didn’t notice…before…nyaaa~?”

“Momo, please. This is no time for jokes.” Oz said, earning an angry pout from the neko girl.

“Come on - it’s not too late to win back Miranda!” Kyu tried to coach.

“I said I’m DONE, Kyu.” Oz insisted. “Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to eat my crappy lunchroom spaghetti and meatballs in peace.”

“How do you even eat?” Kyu asked. “You don’t even have a….mouth?”

Kyu trailed off as Oz revealed that he did, in fact, have a mouth. It opened up far wider than a human mouth should, revealing rows upon rows of dagger-like teeth. Inside was a freakishly long tongue that wormed its way out and wrapped itself around a large meatball, pulling it into the shadow’s grisly maw…

“…Okay. Two weeks I’ve been mentoring you and you’ve never once mentioned the fact that you have a _two-foot-fucking-tongue?_ ” Kyu demanded.

“Of course not.” Oz said. “It’s embarrassing.”

“…Be right back.” Kyu said before she fluttered off. A moment later, the love fairy came back with Miranda in tow.

“Miranda?” Oz asked. “Wh-what are you doing here?”

“This fairy promised me ecstasy beyond my wildest dreams if I followed her to this table.” Miranda replied, a little unsure of what was happening.

“And girl, you’re about to get it!” Kyu said. “Ozzy! Open your mouth and roll that bad boy out.”

“…Uh, I’m not really comfortable-“

“Oz. Show her your tongue. _Trust me on this._ ” Kyu said. “If this doesn’t work, you can give up, I’ll never bug you again.”

“If what doesn’t work?” Miranda asked. “And what’s this about a tongue? This is starting to sound most....un….couth…..”

Miranda trailed off as Oz opened his mouth and let his two-foot-long tongue hang out. “…Oh my.” Miranda said as a blush came to her face.

“I’m sorry!” Oz said as he stuffed the long, fleshy, _flexible_ appendage back into his mouth. “I know! It’s weird! I shouldn’t-“

“No, no, it’s…it’s fine.” Miranda said. “Really, it’s….fine…..hold on a moment.” The mermaid took out her cell pone and dialed in a number. “Amira? Bad news - it’s over. Oz is my suitor again.”

“WHAT?!” Amira’s voice shouted on the other end before Miranda hung up. The princess then all but leapt onto Oz’s lap.

“Oz, I hereby not only give you permission to take me to Prom, but I am also giving….no, I’m insisting….. _No._ I’m _ordering_ you to take me to De-Flowering Point after the promenade is complete.” Miranda said with a wicked glint in her eye.

“R-really?” Oz asked.

“Truly!” Miranda said as she kissed Oz on the cheek. Momo did an angry pout again, but this time it wasn’t aimed at Oz...

“Okay! So that’s Oz taken care of!” Kyu said before turning to Brian. “What about you, big guy?”

“Actually, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, lately.” Brian said. “And I’ve realized - I don’t really need or even WANT a date to prom to be happy and enjoy myself. Sure, a date would’ve been nice, but if I go there alone? It’s not the end of the world. All I ever really wanted is just to have a good time with friends. So as long as I can do that - it’ll be a good prom.”

“…You know what, Brian?” Kyu asked. “I can _respect_ that.”

“Well, it took me a while to decide on this.” Brian said. “Admittedly, my little buddy here helped show me the way.”

The ‘little buddy’ around Brian’s neck morphed from a goat’s head to a dragon’s skull and back again.

“Welp!” Kyu said as she put her hands on her hips. “I guess my work here is done! All four of my proteges have found their own paths to prom!”

It was then that there was a huge eruption of flames outside.

“…Oh. Right. Amira.” Kyu said with a sigh. “I’ll go help HER get a date…” she said as she fluttered off.

A love fairy’s work is never done.

*****

“You want Huniepop Studios to host…your high school’s prom?” Lola asked.

“Yup!” Damien replied with with two thumbs up. Vicky, who was sitting right next to him, also gave her two big thumbs up. Lola checked some papers on her desk.

“…Damien, you’re twenty-one. And Vicky, you’re nineteen. What are you two still doing in high school?” Lola asked.

“…Did we say high school?” Vicky asked. “We meant…uh….University! Our UNIVERSITY prom!”

“…Your University has a _prom_ ….in _October_ …..” Lola said.

“Uh…well….ya see….” Vicky said.

“It’s the theme of our big Halloween dance!” Damien said.

“Halloween?” Vicky asked. Damien elbowed her. “Oh yes! Halloween!”

“Yeah! Monster Prom! You dress up as monsters….going to prom!” Damien said.

“…Ooookaaaayyyy…..” Lola said. Monsters going to prom? That’s a very strange party theme, but she supposed she could expect no less from Oregonians. Speaking of which… “How would the students of your university even get here? They’re all the way in Oregon.”

“We’re not too far from the Oregonian Border!” Vicky said.

“Actually, we’re VERY far.” Lola said.

“Look - just leave the transport details to _us_ , okay?” Damien asked. “All YOU have to do is make sure this place is ready for a big party!”

“So, whaddaya say?” Vicky asked.

“Hmm…” Lola hummed. “This IS a cam girl studio. Your dean knows that, right?”

“…Of course he does!” Vicky so-obviously told the truth. “And he’s on board with it!”

“Our university is VERY open-minded.” Damien added. “We’re a very sexually-liberated campus.”

“Hm.” Lola hummed again. “Well…hosting a party for a prominent college WOULD be good for our PR profile…alright! I’ll sign off on it!”

*****

“Haha! She fell for it!” Vera cheered upon hearing the news from Vicky and Damien. “Oh, I _almost_ feel sorry for that woman. She has no idea what she just signed up for.”

“…What DID she sign up for?” Vicky asked.

“She signed up to chaperone the wildest, craziest high school party ever - MONSTER PROM!” Vera said with a cackle. “Before the night is through, that studio will be nothing more than a pile of vomit-covered rubble! And all the student body has to do is just show up and do what monsters do best!”

“Fuck shit up!” Damien cheered.

“Wait a second.” Vicky said. “Huniepop Studios is in the _human_ world, right?”

“Right?” Vera asked in turn.

“Well, wouldn’t a huge party of monsters in the human world attract attention from the authorities?” Vicky asked. “In fact, I think that would legally count as an ‘incursion.’ Humans don’t look kindly on those.”

“Ah, but that’s the best part!” Vera said as she brought up her calendar. “As it so happens, the night of Monster Prom also falls on a certain holiday - Halloween! The one night of the year where the veil is lifted, and monsters may freely roam the realms of man. The human authorities will think we’re just a very loud Halloween party, and the monster authorities won’t care, because they’re partying too!”

“Which means we’ve got a blank check to burn the mother down!” Damien said with a demonic grin. “I’m loving this plan more and more!”

“And of course, don’t think I’ve lost sight of my original goal.” Vera went on. “Kyu’s _bound_ to have that talent-enhancing perfume stockpiled inside her studio. Once I find it, that prom queen title is as good as mine!”

The gorgon laughed evilly. “Nothing can stop me now! Not even that little _pixie_ Kyu Sugardust!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, by the time this goes up, it will be Halloween morning - which means I JUST MISSED my deadline of getting this thing done just in time for Halloween. Which means this will be continuing into early November. Ah well - if the Simpsons and Team Fortress 2 can get away with extended / belated Halloween specials, so can I.
> 
> Besides, we're almost at the end now. Only two chapters left! The next chapter will be of typical length, but the finale?
> 
> Hoo boy.
> 
> I both look forward to writing that....and NOT look forward to writing that.


	20. Endgame

“Okay!” Kyu said as she checked the Prom Clock. 99 hours and 17 minutes until Monster Prom. “So…Monster Prom is just a few days away now and you have…..NO prospects.” the love fairy clicked her tongue in thought.

“I’m doomed to be single, aren’t I?” Amira said as she lied in the fetal position under the big tree.

“Hey - all isn’t lost yet!” Kyu insisted. “Take it from me - a LOT can happen in 99 hours. I once had this one client, who went from being this loser who could barely talk to women, banging like, a DOZEN different chicks within 18 days. He even got an achievement for it! If I could pull THAT off, I can totally get you a prom date before the end of the week.”

“How?!” the djinn demanded. “Literally EVERYONE IN SCHOOL has a prom date but me!”

“Not everyone…”

Kyu and Amira turned around and saw Momo the kitty standing behind them. “I don’t have a date for prom…” she said as her eyes started turning big and watery.

“…Well shit, there ya go Amira.” Kyu said as she put her hands on her hips. “Whaddaya say? Up for a little bestiality?”

“What was that?” Amira asked. “I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my new neko girlfriend expressing joy over the flowers I gave her.”

“Hooray!” Momo cheered as she jumped for joy over the rose bouquet that Amira got her. “I have a prom date!”

“…Damn. You work _fast_ once you’re given direction.” Kyu commented.

“I always keep a bouquet of roses on my person.” Amira humble-bragged. “Yanno. Just in case.”

The love fairy sighed in relief. “Okay. NOW my work is done. Yeesh, you kids REALLY made me earn those four hundred bucks.”

*****

“Okay Hunies, listen up!” Lola said to the Hunies gathered on the couch. “Looks like we’ll be hosting another Halloween party this year after all - but with a twist! Some university students from Oregon are coming by to have something they’re calling a ‘Monster Prom.’”

“Monster Prom?” Tiffany asked.

“A sort of ‘themed’ costume party.” Lola explained. “They’ll be dressed not only in the usual costumes - ghosts, vampires, werewolves, and so on - but also in tuxedoes and prom dresses!”

“…That seems kinda weird.” Nikki commented.

“Of course it’s weird. It’s fucking Oregon!” Audrey commented. “What else would you expect from those people?”

“Alright Hunies.” Lola said. “This will be our biggest community outreach project since our appearance at last Summer’s Pride festival, so we really need to bring our A-game. The party will be this Saturday starting at 6pm sharp, so that gives us five days to get this place ready for a good ol’ fashioned Hunieparty!”

She turned to Lailani. “Lailani? Think we can book DJ Pele for this party?”

“Sure!” Lailani replied. “I heard she does proms.” she added with a giggle.

“Excellent! Nora - know any skeletons who can tend bar tonight?” Lola asked.

“Nah - but I DO know this one witch who can probably fill the role.” Nora replied with a wink.

“Perfect! Everyone be sure to bring costumes - nothing too revealing, now. Let’s keep this flirty, but classy.” Lola said. “And most importantly, have fun.”

*****

Compared to the previous two weeks, the final week until Monster Prom went by without much incident. Oh sure, there was still plenty of crazy shenanigans and hijinks afoot - this is still Spooky High, after all. It’s just that none of that was really relevant to prom. Each of the color crew had their dates (or lack thereof) locked in and, at this point, it was simply a matter of waiting until that fateful evening.

Damien sat alone at his table during lunch, staring down at his cell phone. Should he do it? Should he not? The feeling of two halves of his mind warring against each other was enough to make him want to break something with his own two hands. It was FRUSTRATING, having to think over big decisions like these. Can’t he just fucking pick one already? Fucking choices with their fucking consequences, FUCK CHOICES!!! FUCK FREE WILL!!! FREE WILL IS JUST A TOOL USED BY THE _MAN_ TO KEEP PEOPLE IN LINE!!! DAMIEN SHOULD JUST LET SOMEONE ELSE MAKE THIS DECISION FOR HIM!!! FUCK THE SYSTEM!!!

“YOU!!! LOSER!!!” Damien said as he shoved the phone into the hands of a random loser that was walking by. “DIAL THIS NUMBER!!! OR DON’T!!! YOU MAKE THE CHOICE!!!”

“…Okay.” Brian said as he dialed the number.

“NO WAIT SHIT DON’T I IMMEDIATELY REGRET YOUR DECISION!!!” Damien ranted before snatching the phone from the zombie. “Heeeey, Audrey.” he said.

“Oh God - you AGAIN?” Audrey replied. “What do YOU want?”

“I don’t want a fucking thing, bitch!” Damien said, obeying his first instinct to accept any challenge. “Wait, no, scratch that, I actually DO want something.”

“Ha! Knew it.”

“Fuck you!” Damien hissed. God, she pissed him off like no one else could. It was awesome. “So you know how there’s gonna be a Monster Prom at work?” he asked.

“Ugh, don’t remind me. Some artsy Oregonian school wants to have a ‘Monster Prom’ at Huniepop?” Audrey asked.

“Fuck you I’m from Oregon!” Damien said. “Also, fuck you, I’M from that school. And fuck you I WANT TO ASK YOU OUT TO THAT PROM!!!”

“Well MAYBE I’ll say yes!”

“Then I guess we’re going to prom together!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“FUCKING FINE! PICK ME UP AT FIVE!”

“I WILL, CUNT!”

And then Damien hung up.

“…What just happened?” Brian asked.

“You my friend, just played wingman.” Damien said. “In exchange, I will not light you on fire.”

“You were going to light me on fire?” Brian asked.

“Well shit - not anymore.” Damien replied. “Obviously.”

*****

It was rare for students to come to school on Saturdays. But of course, this was no ordinary Saturday. In her class room, Kyu watched as the prom clock ticked down. It was down to the final hour until Monster Prom. She turned and regarded her four students, who had all come so far in the last few weeks.

Oz and Brian wore the traditional tuxedos, but instead of the usual black and white they went with their favorite colors. Oz wore a yellow jacket and pants, a white undershirt, and a red neck tie. Brian, meanwhile, wore a dark-green jacket and pants, black undershirt, and a lime-green neck tie. Danging around the zombie’s neck, of course, was the Totem of Z’gord.

Vicky was wearing a dress with a black shoulder-less top and a grayish skirt with black polka-dots. Tied around her waist was a blue sash, decorated with a blue rose. Another blue rose was placed in her hair.

Amira bucked the trend and, instead of a dress, went for a tux instead. A black button-up jacket and pants with a red ascot that made her look like a fiery musketeer.

Kyu nodded and placed her hands on her hips. “Gotta say, I’m proud of you guys. Even you Vicky. I mean, you DID try to backstab me, but you did it for love, so I guess I can’t be too mad.”

“Aw, you’re the best Kyu!” Vicky said, almost making her regret participating in a secret plot to ruin the love fairy’s livelihood. Almost.

“Hard to believe you guys started out as just a pack of losers.” Kyu said. “Now look at you - heading off into the greatest night of your young lives with dates around your arms and your heads held high. It’s enough to bring a love fairy to tears…”

“We have you to thank, Kyu.” Oz said. “You never gave up on us - even when we were ready to give up on ourselves.”

“You’re an awesome teacher.” Amira added.

“Aw, you guys…” Kyu said with a blush.

After giving each of her students a hug, she sent them on their way outside on the tracking field, where the magical portal awaited them. As the new location for this year’s Monster Prom was somewhere far from here, a portal would be necessary to get there. Kyu fluttered over to where the faculty were standing, and landed next to the Coach.

“Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?” the massive tiger-man asked. “Watching these youths take their first tender steps into adulthood. It’s a beautiful thing.”

“It sure is…” Kyu said with a nod. This was indeed her favorite part of her old job - watching once-hapless kids take their first steps into becoming sex gods. The last three weeks might’ve been tough, with no shortage of wild and crazy moments, but that’s youth for you. And in the end, Kyu wouldn’t trade the experiences she had for anything.

“Hey Coach, where IS the prom’s new locale anyway?” Kyu asked. “I was busy tutoring some of my students, so I think I missed that memo.”

“Why, Huniepop Studios of course!” the Coach replied with a wide grin.

“…Come again?” Kyu asked.

“Yup! Turns out a couple of our students got a job there and convinced their boss to host this year’s prom!” the Coach obliviously went on. “I believe they’re a….photography studio!”

Kyu didn’t wait for further explanation as she flew over the heads of the students going through the portal, into the portal herself, and arriving in the parking lot outside Huniepop Studios…

Where dozens upon dozens of hormone-fueled monsters who knew no restraint were now gathering.

“…Someone is gonna get pimp-slapped for this.” Kyu vowed. “I don’t know who yet, but Venus as my witness, _someone_ is gonna get pimp-slapped before this night is through!”

*****

“Hmmm.” Lola, dressed as Cleopatra, hummed to herself as she watched the soundstage fill up with bodies from her office. She honestly wasn’t expecting _this many_ young people to show up. “Starting to think I might’ve bitten off more than I could chew this time…” she muttered to herself.

“Lola, you don’t know the _half_ of it!”

Lola turned around and saw Kyu, dressed as a love fairy like last year, but with the elaborate dress exchanged for a hot pink teacher’s uniform. “Kyu? What are you doing here? I didn’t think you’d be back until at least a few more days.”

“That teaching gig I got stuck with? It was with these guys” Kyu said as she stepped up to the window and looked out over the students herself. “Speaking of whom _what are they all doing in my studio?!_ ”

“Well, Damien suggested that we-“

“Damien?!” Kyu shouted. “How do you know Damien?!”

“Damien LaVey. He’s one of our new hires.” Lola explained. “Him and a Vicky Schmidt started working here earlier this week.”

“Vicky?!” Kyu asked. “Those two are my students! What are they-“

And that’s when it all suddenly clicked together.

_Vera._

“…That cold-blooded _bitch!_ ” Kyu hissed. “Okay, no more Ms. Nice Fairy! Time to bust out the big guns!” With that, she took out her cell phone and dialed a number that she hadn’t dialed in a long time.

“Who are you calling?” Lola asked.

“An old friend of mine…” Kyu cryptically answered.

*****

The vampire hissed in defiance before a stake made of pure silver pierced its wicked skull, pinning it to the wall. As the undead creature crumbled to dust, the monster hunter reloaded another stake into her pistol crossbow. With long red hair reminiscent of a lion’s mane and a body built like an ox, one could be forgiven for not believing that she was human.

Another vampire on top of her, but she grabbed it in mid-leap and suplexed it into the floor, breaking the miserable creature’s spine. That’s when the vile creatures broke out their muscle - an abomination made from the dismembered body parts of their previous victims. The amazonian warrior fought back the urge to vomit before pull out an M1 Garand Rifle, whose bayonet had been dipped in holy water just for this occasion. She thrust it forward, piercing whatever passed for a heart in the beast before it yelled a thousand screams and crumpled to the ground.

By this point, what vampire tried to flee, but she wouldn’t have it. Not after all the sins they committed against mankind. She pulled out a glass bottle of holy water and chucked it. It shattered on impact, splashing them all and setting them aflame. The amazon panted. At long last, the nightmare was over. She had won.

And that’s when her cell phone started ringing.

She sighed and picked it up. “Tala Stone speaking.” she said.

“Tala? It’s Kyu.” came the voice on the other end.

“Oh, hey Kyu. Long-time no chat.” Tala casually replied.

“Yeah, and believe me, I WISH this was a social call.” Kyu said. “But I’ve got a real situation on my hands here. You know that cam girl business I started up a while back?”

“Yeah?”

“Well my studio is currently crawling with horny, party-hungry, adolescent monsters looking to bring the house down, possibly literally.”

“Oof. How’d that happen?”

“ _Long_ story. Trust me. Think you can come over and help out?”

Tala pulled that silver stake from earlier out of the wall. “I’ll be there, but not anytime soon, I’m afraid. You know how busy Halloween is for me. Think you can contain the worst of the damage until I arrive.”

“I’ll try.” Kyu said. “Just get here as soon as you can, okay?”

“Will do.” Tala replied.

*****

Kyu flipped her cell phone closed. “Okay! Cavalry’s on its way. Until then, we just need to keep this party from going _too_ crazy.”

It was then that a football smashed a hole through the glass into the office. “My bad!” Scott shouted from the dance floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tala Stone is an OC by Typhoon Boom, author of another Huniepop fanfic "A Woman's Woman." Go read that if you want to read about a sexy amazon who breaks ladies' hearts and ghouls' faces. Big thanks to Typhoon for giving me permission to use her!
> 
> Next chapter will be the last one, and will detail the wildest night of any young monster's life...
> 
> MONSTER PROM!!!
> 
> Stay tuned...


	21. MONSTER PROM!!!

“Okay…” Vicky said as she entered the prop closet. “Sea breeze perfume. Sea breeze perfume….”

She waded her way through the swamp of junk in search of her prize. She watched her step among the ball gags, dildos, and so, SO many butt plugs. Finally, she found something promising - a safe, hidden away in the back corner of the room. It was no match for her Frankensteinian strength though, as she punched a hole in it, reached in, and…..

“What?!” Vicky demanded. “Papers?!”

It was just a bunch of useless papers! Containing ‘bank account numbers’ and ‘social security information’. USELESS to an up-and-coming criminal! Vera was going to be so disappointed…

And that’s when Vicky noticed the big box labeled ‘magical perfume.’

“…Huh.” Vicky said as she looked inside the box and, low and behold, there was all the perfume. “Victory for Vicky!” she cheered as she grabbed the box and marched out triumphantly.

She met Vera on the dance floor by the punch bowl. The gorgon was dressed in a sleek black dress with gold trimmings that hugged her form deliciously. “Here’s the perfume boss!”

“Perfect!” Vera replied as she reached inside. “Cinnamon, no. Green tea, no that would make Damien want to punch something. Aha! Sea breeze!” she grabbed a bottle of the blue perfume and tucked it away in her dress pocket. “Okay - now put this box back where you found it. Last thing we need is someone else finding this and leveling the playing field.”

“You got it!” Vicky asked. “And uh…we’ll slow dance during the slow dance song…right?”

“Yes, yes, slow dance, now go.” Vera replied with a roll of her eyes. Vicky cheerfully bounced off to fulfill her mistress’s will.

*****

Miranda looked gorgeous - not only in her prom dress but also the way she redid her hair. “Wow. You look really beautiful tonight, Miranda.” Oz said.

“Yes, yes, thank you, Oz.” the mermaid replied, not terribly focused on her shadow date at the moment. She leered at Vera on the other side of the dance floor. “Look. Over there. Vera’s up to something.”

Oz followed Miranda’s finger and spied Vera taking a bottle out of the box and putting into pocket before shooing Vicky away with the box. “Oz - follow Vicky and find out what’s in that box.”

“Uh, ok.” Oz replied. They were kind of hoping that, now that Monster Prom had officially begun, they could finally cut the hijinks and actually relax for a night. But it seemed that the hijinks wasn’t over yet. As the shadow slinked its way through the dance floor, a certain cat girl started waving at them.

“Master! Master!” Momo said as she bounded after them.

“Oh. Hey Momo.” Oz replied. “Er, I’m actually in the middle of-“

“Look Master! I have a date too!” the cat girl said as she grabbed Amira’s arm and dragged her to her side.

“That’s nice, but-“

“She’s such a good date, Master!” Momo went on. “She LISTENS to me and PAYS ATTENTION to me!”

“Look, I gotta go.” Oz said as he broke contact to follow Vicky, leaving an angrily pouting Momo behind.

They slipped into the shadows and followed Vicky into the prop closet where she set the box down before leaving. They emerged from the shadows and checked the box and found -

“Woah!” Oz said. It was an entire box full of magical perfumes, like the ones Kyu gave them that one time at Monsterland! This must’ve been what Vicky slipped to Vera. But why would Vera want -

Prom Queen! Of course! Vera had taken a blue bottle, which enhances talent! And given how fierce and talented she was to start with, the title would go to her instead of Miranda!

Well, TWO can play THAT game…

Oz reached down and pulled out a bottle of sea breeze perfume themselves, then paused. Should they really be doing this, though? Vera was Vicky’s date and, well, Vicky was a friend. Were they really willing to sabotage Vicky’s date to improve their own?

…What was Oz thinking? Miranda wants to go to _De-Flowering Point_ after this! OF COURSE they were willing to sabotage Vicky’s date!

In fact, Oz quickly spritzed himself with some peach cologne to enhance romance, which according to his Huniebee, was Miranda’s most desired trait. They then grabbed a bottle of sea breeze and traveled through the shadows back to the dance floor.

“Oz!” Miranda said as the shadow approached. “There you are!” She sniffed them. “And you smell inexplicably more romantic!”

“Of course, my dear.” Oz purred, pouring on the charm. “It turns out, what Vicky gave Vera was a bottle of enchanted perfume that enhances her natural talents. No doubt she intends to use the concoction to win the title of Prom Queen.”

“Of course!” Miranda replied. “Enchanted perfume! It was all so obvious! Oz, you must-“

“Procure a bottle for you to level the playing field?” Oz asked as he held up the blue bottle. “Already did, my lady.”

“Ah, my knight in shining armor!” Miranda said as she grabbed the perfume and placed it in her dress pocket. “Once the time for the competition comes, I shall use this perfume on myself and Vera shall taste defeat!”

*****

Momo glared at Oz and Miranda from across the dance floor. She then turned toward Amira. “Amira, dance with me.” she demanded.

“Aw, but the pigs…” Amira said as she gestured to the plate full of pigs in blankets on the snack table.

“I said dance with me, _nya_.” she said with the most forceful nya she could muster.

“Is it just me, or are you being uncharacteristically aggressive tonight?” Amira asked with crossed arms.

With a snarl, Momo grabbed Amira and dragged her out onto the dance floor.

*****

“Okay, okay, be cool, be cool…” Damien muttered to himself, drumming his fingers against the table nervously as he scanned the crowd for his date.

“You okay, bro?” Scott asked.

“FUCK YOU ALSO YES I’M OKAY!!!” Damien shouted.

“You sure?” Scott asked. “Cuz you don’t normally yell ‘FUCK YOU’ in all caps like that unless you’re nervous about something.”

“FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!” Damien shouted.

“Dude. Chill. Relax. It’s just me.” Scott said.

“Sorry.” Damien sighed. “It’s just…okay, this girl I know from work is about to show up and I guess I’m kinda nervous cuz she’s my prom date and…..fuck man.”

“Dude! You never told me you had a date!” Scott said.

“It’s just…it’s not a huge deal.” Damien grumbled. “Except it is because she’s _fucking awesome!_ She drinks, she swears, she’s like the most awesome human I’ve ever met!”

Scott spat out some of his punch in a spray. “Bro! You’re dating a human?!”

“Nah, nah, it’s cool cuz, like she’s a _cool_ human.” Damien insisted.

“I don’t know…” Scott said. “Coach said once that humans can be dangerous!”

“Yeah! That’s why this one’s AWESOME!” Damien said. He then turned. “Oh fuck! Here she comes!”

Indeed, Audrey had arrived, wearing a not only a velvet red prom dress, but with a pair of large horns on her head, a pair of wings sprouting out of her back and a long tail with an arrow-tip. “…Woah.” Damien said, surprised that Audrey made for a _damn_ sexy demon.

“Hey, I thought you said Audrey was a human.” a very confused Scott said.

“…Nope! She’s a motherfucking demon!” Damien cheered.

“Hellz yeah I am!” Audrey said as she walked up to the taller demon. “See I’m not the only one. You look like Hellboy was the best man at some dude’s wedding and is about to give a speech while he’s hammered!”

It was true. Damien didn’t dress up too much for prom - just threw on a blazer jacket over a plain white shirt, tossed an untied tie around his neck and called it. He snickered. “Surprised you know who Hellboy is. Nerd!”

“Ugh - only because my friend Nikki won’t shut the fuck up about it!” Audrey protested. “SHE’S the nerd, not me.”

The demon snickered. “Come on - let’s head onto the dance floor and raise some hell!” he said as he took a giggling Audrey with him onto the dance floor.

*****

Being a zombie, an endless hunger was one of Brian’s defining traits. So, rather than hit the dance floor right away, he opted to just hang around by the buffet and help himself. He was honestly kind of glad that he decided to come to Monster Prom tonight, even without a date. Because these cheese cubes were dope. Course, he wasn’t the only one enjoying the refreshments.

“Damn, little buddy.” Brian said to the dark totem of Z’gord. “You’re really sucking down that blood punch.” The punch seemed to swirl upwards in a vortex and was sucked into the totem’s gaping maw. “Maybe you’ve had enough…”

The totem screeched with two voices - one a little girl, and of a dying old man facing the horror of the void.

“Alright, alright, yeesh.” Brian replied. “You’re kind of a mean drunk, Z’gord.”

Suddenly the totem began screeching even louder as it suddenly tried to break free of Brian’s neck. Finally, the string snapped and the totem flew off. “Hey! Little buddy! Come back!” Brian shouted as he tried to limp after the flying totem. “Help! My dark god is on a bender!”

*****

Tiffany readjusted her novelty halo in the mirror in the mirror, as well as brush the cracker crumbs off the white dress she wore for ‘Monster Prom.’ ‘Monster Prom.’ She still giggled at that - such a wacky concept! She adjusted her feathery wings one last time before she left the bathroom and headed for the employee lounge, where the liquor was stored. Nora said that the bar was already running low on drinks - apparently, these Oregonians know how to chug.

When Tiffany entered the lounge, she discovered Vicky rifling through the fridge. “Vicky? What are you doing?”

“Oh, just finding a snack for my date.” Vicky said. “What happened to all the cupcakes?”

“Candace ate them all.” Tiffany said. “She’s got a REAL sweet tooth.” The blonde ‘angel’ walked past the ‘flesh golem’ and opened the liquor pantry. “What the - where’d all the drinks go?”

“WOOOOOOOO!!!”

“Ah!” Tiffany yipped as she jumped, and noted a ‘ghost’ with long wavy hair and a pink dress. And in both of her hands were two bottles of liquor.

“IT’S HALLOWEEN MOTHAFUCKAS!!!” Polly the ‘ghost’ cheered as she poured the contents of both bottles into her mouth.

“Wait, WAIT, THOSE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR EVERYONE!!!” Tiffany scolded. Polly looked at her and gasped.

“OH SHIT! IT’S THE PO-PO!” Polly said before running off.

“Hey! Get back here!” Tiffany said as she gave chase to the drunken ghost.

*****

As _Move Your Dead Bones_ played from the speakers, the students were indeed moving their bones, dead or otherwise. Audrey was twirling and screaming in joy, twerking her ass off, making her dress flow and ripple like an ocean of blood. To Damien, it was like poetry in motion. The night was going awesome so far, and they hadn’t even gotten to the arson yet!

Suddenly, Audrey’s beautifully devilish dancing screeched to a halt. She looked across the dance floor and pouted. “Oh great…” Damien followed her gaze and saw Lola dancing with some guy who was wearing a tuxedo and cat ears. “Tommy…”

“Who? The green guy?” Damien asked.

“Yeah.” Audrey said as she scowled. “Fucking cunt-ass Lola trying to make time with MY MAN.”

...Oh. Right. Audrey had a crush on Tommy.

As in, Tommy.

Not Damien.

…

“…I’m gonna go kick his ass.” Damien said as he marched over.

“Wait, what?” Audrey asked.

Too late though, as he was already tapping his shoulder. “HEY! ASSHOLE!!!”

“Huh?” Tommy asked as he turned around. “Oh. Hey, Damien. What’s up?”

“I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!!” the demon ranted.

“…Why?” Tommy asked.

“BECAUSE I’M BETTER THAN YOU, THAT’S WHY!!!” Damien ranted.

Tommy leaned forward and took a few sniffs. “Have you been drinking?”

“FUCK YEAH I HAVE, NOW LET’S DO THIS!!!” Damien said just before he raised up his fists. “YOU AND ME!!! PROM FIGHT ON PROM NIGHT!!!”

“Damien!” Audrey shouted as she stomped over. “The fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

“I’m about to kick this guy’s fuckin’ ass! That’s what I’m about to do!” Damien ranted in reply.

“Look Damien, I don’t know what brought this on, but I don’t really wanna do this.” Tommy said as he put up his hands.

“Why? You chicken-shit?” Damien asked with a cackle and a grin.

“No. It’s because I don’t wanna hurt you.” Tommy replied.

“Ha!” Damien shouted. “As if a loser like-“

_THWACK!!!_

Tommy punched Damien right in the nose, sending the demon to the floor, unconscious. Audrey burst out laughing. “HAHAHAAHA! YOU SLAPPED HIS SHIT!!!”

“I used to box.” Tommy replied with a shrug.

“When Damien comes to, let him know he’s fired for threatening bodily harm against my boyfriend.” Lola huffed.

“ _Gladly._ ” Audrey sneered as she stepped over the unconscious demon. “Nobody gets away with trying to fuck with OUR Tommy.” she tossed Tommy a wink.

“…You got something in your eye, Audrey?” Tommy asked.

Audrey groaned.

*****

Not long after Scott dragged a thoroughly knocked-the-fuck-out Damien off of the dance floor, a preppy satyr took to the stage. “Alright, everyone! It’s time introduce our candidates for Prom Queen!” she began. “On my left, is the beautiful, the talented, and the _ruthless_ , Vera Oberlin!”

To the satyr’s left, was Vera Oberlin, looking stunning her black, velvet dress. The audience applauded, half out of admiration, half out of fear of what her strategically-placed goons around the dance floor would do if she didn’t.

“And on my right, is the regal, the supreme, Miranda Vanderbilt!”

Miranda waved at her adoring crowd, wearing a long blue dress that Disney himself would’ve designed. The audience cheered, again half out of admiration, half out of fear of the royal fish guards stationed around the dance floor, exchanging tense glances with Vera’s goons.

“These are our candidates! They’re both lovely and terrifying, but only ONE can be crowned Prom Queen! Our candidates now have a chance to speak! Miranda - why should YOU be crowned our Queen?”

“I will GLADLY explain…” Miranda said as she took the mic away from the satyr. “In song…”

And that’s when Miranda started singing. A wordless melody that made mortal hearts long to return to the ocean, where all life began and where all life is destined to return. It was so beautiful that words fail to describe, which is great, because that means less work for me, the author.

When her song was finished, the crowd broke out in applause. Miranda smiled and waved, being careful to hide the little blue bottle in her dress. “Great work, Miranda!” the satyr congratulated. “Alright! Vera? Why should YOU be prom queen?”

“Funny you should ask, Patty!” Vera replied.

“…My name is Mary.” the satyr replied.

Vera snapped her fingers and one of her goons carried up a chart up to the stage. “According to this chart, not only am I _at least_ 27% sexier than Miranda, but I’m also 48% smarter.”

Vera spent the next twenty minutes explaining, in detail, the fiscal advantages to electing her prom queen. Increased revenue for the school, access to untapped markets, with Vera as prom queen, the sky was the limit! Of course, they were high school students and not investors, and thus didn’t stand to gain anything from making Vera prom queen, but Vera was just so talented and well-articulated in her arguments that the audience didn’t really care.

“Thus concludes my presentation! Remember - Vote for me, or you’ll be poor!” Vera replied with a wink.

“Alright, that’s our two candidates!” Mary the Satyr said. “Voting begins now! We’ll unveil who wins the crown at the closing ceremonies!”

*****

Monster Prom hadn’t even been going for a full hour, and things were already getting wildly out of hand. A mermaid princess and a gorgon crime lord were vying for power, a ghost had made off with half the alcohol, and there was an unconscious demon in the first floor restroom.

Kyu sighed as she oversaw the chaos from her office. _What else could go wrong?_

*****

With a mad cackle, the Slayer landed on the roof of Huniepop Studio after some mad parkour off of the neighboring building’s roof. “Haha!” she laughed. “Lola thought her GOON took care of me, but it takes more than that to keep the Slayer down!” Now that she was out of the hospital, it was time to get back to work!

Her mission tonight was simple. With all the monsters and demons gathering inside the studio tonight, it was clear that something BIG was happening tonight. She didn’t know what, but whatever it was, she had to get Beli out of there, and then put a stop to it!

The Slayer searched the roof for a way inside, eventually finding a hatch that lead into the attic. Perfect! She picked the lock and dropped inside the attic…

Which was full of live bats.

“…Uh-“ the Slayer didn’t even get to finish her sentence before she was utterly swarmed.

*****

Tiffany had spent the last thirty minutes searching the studio for a runaway ghost with arms full of liquor. She’d searched every room she could think of, but no luck. Think, Tiff! Where does Jessie end up whenever she’s had one too many?

Thus, Tiffany checked the upstairs broom closet, and lo and behold, there was the ghost, napping off a couple of bottles’ worth of Jack Daniels. The blonde sighed before picking the girl up bridal style and carrying her back down to the lounge.

After setting her down on the couch, Tiffany took the bottles of liquor and sighed. Empty. All three, empty. She placed the bottles in the glass recycle bin underneath the sink.

“Well, well…” Jessie said as she entered the room. “I see someone partied a little too hard.”

“Yeah, these Oregonians are kind of wild…” Tiffany said. Jessie tilted her head as she looked down at the ghost girl. “Hrm. She looks familiar. I wonder if she’s related to Polly.”

“Polly?” Tiffany asked. “Who’s Polly?”

Jessie sighed. “Old friend of mine. We used to party ALL the time back when I first started doing porn.”

“What happened to her?” Tiffany asked.

“She died.” Jessie said. “Cocaine overdose. Poor thing was only twenty-two. Decided to quit blow myself not long after that.”

“You used to do coke?!” Tiffany demanded.

“Well…yes. But then I quit.” Jessie said.

Tiffany scoffed. “Whatever…” she grunted, choosing to shrug it off as just another disgusting detail of her mother’s sordid past. Jessie sighed before leaving the room.

“…Hey.”

Tiffany turned, and saw that the ghost had regained consciousness, her head peeping up over the couch. “…You should cut Jessie some slack once in a while. She loves you. So…you know. Quit being lame.”

Tiffany paused. “…How did you know my mother’s name?” she asked.

The ghost girl simply smiled. “Tell Jessie I miss her too.”

And with that, her head disappeared back behind the couch. Having more questions, Tiffany marched over to where the mystery girl lied…

Only to find that she was gone.

Tiffany looked up and saw her again though, raiding the liquor cabinet for more booze. “Hey!”

“THE PARTY TRAIN HAS NO BRAAAAAAAKES!!!” the ghost girl shouted as she made off with a 40.

*****

“Buddy? Buuuuuddy?” Brian called out as he shuffled through the halls of the studio. “Excuse me, Miss?”

“Yes?” replied a tall pink-haired girl with boobs the size of Brian’s head who just so happened to be walking by.

“Have you seen a floating totem pass through here?” he asked.

“Hmmm…” the pink-haired girl hummed as she stroked her chin. “Well…I DID see this weird floating thing float by and head for the employee lounge.”

“Where’s that?” Brian asked.

“This way! Follow me!” the pink-haired girl beckoned. The two headed into the employee lounge were the totem floated in front of the partially-opened refrigerator and was draining a mysterious white fluid out of several jugs inside it.

“…Woah.” the girl said. “That’s so cool!”

“Is that eggnog?” Brian asked. “It’s _October_. It’s too early for eggnog.”

Yup. October.

…Anyway, once the totem had drained the last of the eggnog, it began to… _change._

Blood all but _gushed_ out of every orifice and hole on the totem. But instead of falling onto the floor, it began forming a cocoon of blood and flesh around the totem. The flesh then began to take shape. It was a terrible, indescribable shape, vaster than any whale - a shapeless congeries of protoplasmic bubbles, faintly self-luminous, and with myriads of temporary eyes forming and un-forming as pustules of greenish light all over the vision-filling front that bore down upon them.

“…Cool effects! That totem turned into a squid girl!” the pink-haired girl gushed, describing what just happened in far less literary terms.

“Woah…” Brian said as the vaguely humanoid-shaped creature walks towards him, jiggling unnaturally.

“Hello, Brian…” it said.

“You…you can talk?” Brian asked.

“Yes…I am Z’gord…” it said. “And now that I have achieved my form by drinking deep the milk of the unborn, I will destroy this-“

“Do you wanna be my date?” Brian asked.

Z’gord blinked its many eyes. “Beg pardon?”

“I mean…” Brian paused. “…For an eldritch entity, you’re pretty hot…”

The entity blushed. “Oh…th-thank you…..”

“Are you…are you wearing a dress?” Brian asked.

“It’s an extension of my flesh.” Z’gord explained.

“Well it goes GREAT against your body paint!” the pink-haired girl gushed as she leaned in to better note the quality.

“It’s not body paint. It’s the skin from a million soldiers who fought and died for nothing.” Z’gord explained.

“Well whatever it is, it’s AWESOME!” the girl went on.

“Sooo…whaddaya say, Z’gord?” Brian asked with a shrug.

The thing smiled with countless mouths. “Very well.” it extended what could be described as a hand. Brian smiled as he took it and escorted her out.

*****

Liam sneered at the assorted prom-goers around him. He had come to the prom without a date in order to make a subtle critique about the toxic way society prioritizes romantic relations. Problem was, nobody was _getting it._ He had been standing by the wall, by himself, for nearly an hour now and NOBODY had approached him to ask what he was doing by himself!

“Hey.” said a girl with pale skin, black hair, and wearing a black victorian dress. “What are you doing here standing, like, all alone?”

 _Finally._ “I’m making a statement on the futility of young courtship.” Liam replied.

“Couldn’t get a date, huh?” the girl teasingly asked.

Liam blushed in embarrassment. “…That IS what inspired me to take my performance art in this direction, yes.” he said.

The girl giggled. She giggled in a way that was very…nice. She smelled like…

“Name’s Lillian by the way.” she introduced herself. “Cool vampire costume, by the way. Diggin’ the ears.”

She smelled like _blood._

“…Liam.” the vampire introduced himself. “Charmed to meet you.”

*****

The Slayer tumbled down the steps from the attic and into the upstairs hallway, her cloak covered in guano. The ladder, seemingly by itself, retreated back into the attic, leaving the bats undisturbed. The Slayer groaned as she stood up, shuddering in revulsion. Truly, this was a _vile_ den of evil.

She slinked her form against the wall, creeping her way down the hallway, passing by several closed doors. At one door, however, she heard a great cacophony. Curious, she opened the door and peeked inside.

The door didn’t lead to a particular room, but instead led out into a catwalk that overlooked a large chamber. Down below were throngs of monsters! Ghosts and goblins, banshees and demons, every kind of ghoul imaginable was down there, dancing to hokey Halloween music. “My Goddess…” the Slayer breathed as she clutched her gem, praying to Artemis for protection.

That’s when she spied Beli, lost in the crowd and dressed like some kind of…leaf dress? She and some other girl met at the snack table and headed off through a door. Where were they taking her?!

The Slayer jumped off the catwalk and did a superhero landing on the floor…

“…Oh fuck…my knees…” The Slayer wheezed as she collapsed and cradled her knees. “Deadpool wasn’t lying. _Deadpool wasn’t lying…_ ”

*****

“So, where did you say you were from?” Candy asked the squid girl.

“Ry’leh.” Z’gord replied. “I am one of the children of the old ones.”

“Hehe, yeah. My dad’s kinda old too.” Candy replied.

Candy, Brian and Z’gord walked together down the hall to the main studio floor. As they turned the corner, they bumped into Tiffany. “Oh, hi Candy!” Tiffany said. “Hey, have you seen - augh!” the lone suddenly gripped her head and screwed her eyes shut.

“Tiffany! What’s wrong?” Candy asked.

“Nothing…just…HUGE migraine outta nowhere…” Tiffany groaned as she stared at the floor. “I didn’t even drink anything…”

“That would be my fault.” Z’gord said. “My form defies the understanding of most mortals, and so their fragile minds cannot comprehend my true form.”

She then turned to Candy. “This one’s mind, however, has proven surprisingly resilient against madness. I wonder why.”

“…Anyone else craving peanut butter?” Candy asked, completely losing track of the conversation.

“…I see.” Z’gord replied. She turned to Brian. “What about you?”

Brian shrugged. “If I had to guess, I think it’s because I’m undead. My brain is already rotting, so what more could you do?”

Z’gord smiled in places there should be no smiles. “Interesting…”

“I…what….I don’t…” Tiffany gripped her head, her migraine getting worse.

“You’re lucky you’re staring at the floor.” Z’gord told her. “If you were looking at me full on, you’d be babbling nonsense and crying tears of blood.” she turned to Candy. “Please, escort this one back to the lounge before she tumbles into the abyss.”

“Okie dokie Zoe!” Candy said as she took Tiffany aside.

“Zoe?” Z’gord asked.

“ _Zoey?!_ ” Brian demanded.

“What? It’s a cool nickname.” Candy replied with a shrug. As she left with the blonde in tow, Z’gord turned to Brian.

“It is decided, from this day forth, you shall call me Zoe, and _only_ Zoe.” Zoe decreed.

“…Super.” Brian grumbled.

*****

“Come ooooonnnn…I’m….I’m FINE.” Aiko said with a hiccup as Beli helped her into the server room and lied her down on the mattress that Nikki sometimes slept on for all-nighters.

“No you’re not. You’re drunk.” Beli lightly scolded. Just once she’d like to go to a party with Aiko that didn’t end with the former teacher getting plastered. “Look just…stay here for now, okay? Nobody really comes up here, so you shouldn’t get into too much trouble up here.”

Not ten seconds after Beli finished that sentence did a pair of monsters barge into the room, an orc and her gargoyle boyfriend, who immediately started making out, totally oblivious to the two women’s presence. “Oh no…” Beli quietly said.

“Wooo! Ride ‘em cowboy!” Aiko drunkenly cheered on the duo. The two monsters looked at Beli and Aiko, their eyes wide in shock that their private display of affection was now somewhat public.

“I’m so, SO sorry!” Beli said, her face turning red as a beet. “I didn’t think anyone would be in here…”

“Oh my God…” the orc said before she broke out in a big, toothy grin. “You’re Beli Buttonz! Holy shit! My boyfriend and I LOVE your vids!”

“Yeah!” the gargoyle replied. “Your sexy yoga is AWESOME!!!”

“Oh.” Beli said. “Um…always happy to meet fans…” Beli said, her blush only intensifying.

And that’s when the door burst open again! This time the intruder was…

“Aaravi?!” Beli gasped as her little cousin, dressed in a red cloak and leather combat armor rolled into the room. “What are you doing here?!”

“There’s no time to explain!” Aaravi yelled as she pointed her two pistol crossbows at the orc and gargoyle. “We need to get you out of here, Beli!”

“Hey, I know you!” the orc said as she put her hands on her hips. “You’re that little twerp that dressed up as me back in Monsterland!”

“Haha! It was part of a masterful deception!” the Slayer ranted. “And now you-“

“Aaravi!” Beli snapped as she put her hands on her hips. “Put those things away before you hurt someone!”

“But-“

“ _Now._ ”

The Slayer suddenly had flashbacks to all the times Beli babysat her when she was very young. Beli was sweet most of the time, but she could be VERY strict when she needed to be. Cowed, Aaravi lowered her weapons and kicked the floor in protest, muttering under her breath.

“I’m very sorry about my cousin’s behavior.” Beli said as she stepped up to the couple. “She’s…excitable.”

“Hmmmm…” the orc said. “Tell you what - autograph my boyfriend’s dick and we’ll call it square!”

“What?!” Aaravi demanded.

“O-oh my…” Beli replied as her eyes darted between Aaravi and the orc. “I…um…”

“Hey Beli!” Aiko said. “Look at this BAG I found! Pretty sure there used to be a cat in here!” she cackled as she held up a garbage bag she found.

“Uh…could you two wait outside for a few minutes?” Beli asked.

“Sure thing!” the orc replied with a wink.

“Whatever you say, Ms. Buttonz!” the gargoyle added as the two monsters headed outside. As they closed the door, Aaravi turned to Beli.

“Beli! What the HELL is going on?!" the Slayer demanded.

“I should ask you the same question!” Beli replied as she put her hands on her hips. “Why are you dressed like that? Where did you get those weapons, and what are you even doing here?”

“What am _I_ doing here?!” Aaravi replied indignantly. “What are _you_ doing here?!”

Beli blushed again. “That’s…that’s none of your business!”

“My cousin getting recruited into a sex cult? Pretty sure that’s my business.” Aaravi huffed.

“Sex cult?!” Beli gasped.

“It’s the ONLY logical explanation!” Aaravi said. “The skimpy clothes, the warehouse in the shady part of town, and then there’s this party!”

“You’ve got it all wrong!” Beli said. “It’s just a prom!”

“Bullshit! There’s so much drunken debauchery, it’s like _Eyes Wide Shut_ out there!” Aaravi ranted.

“It’s just a prom! Really! That’s all it is!” Beli said.

The orc girl peeked into the room. “By the way, when you’re done signing my boyfriend’s penis, could you sign my boobs next?”

Beli’s face was redder than the surface of Mars. “Hey Beli.” Aiko said. “I think the jig is up.”

Beli sighed in defeat. “Be right with you…” Beli said as she waved off the orc. “Aaravi…I’ve something I need to tell you…”

“I knew it!” Aaravi said. “This is a sex cult and that bitch Lola is a succubus who-“

“I’m a porn star.” Beli bluntly said.

“…Beg pardon?” Aaravi asked.

“Well, the technical term is ‘cam girl.’” Beli clarified. “But really, that’s just a niche porn star. PLEASE don’t tell anyone else! Nobody in my family is supposed to know! Do you have any idea what it’s like - living a secret double life that only a select few people know about?”

“…NOPE.” Aaravi shouted. “WOULDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT. NO SIR. In any case, I won’t tell.”

Beli sighed in relief. “Thank you for understanding, Aaravi.”

“…So, this ISN’T a den of debauchery?” Aaravi asked.

“It kind of is.” Aiko said.

“Oh, hush you!” Beli scolded.

*****

Out on the dance floor, Brian shuffled over to the punch bowl where Amira was hanging around. “Hey Amira. Where’s Momo?”

The djinn sighed. “Needed a break from her.”

Brian sighed. “Yeah, I kinda needed a break from my date too.”

“You have a date now?” Amira asked.

“Yup. My totem turned into an eldritch squid girl and now she’s my prom date.” Brian explained.

“Oh cool.” Amira said.

“Buuut she renamed herself ‘Zoe.’” Brian added.

“Ah.” Amira said with a nod. “After that girl you hate and tried to eat. That’s kind of annoying.”

“What about you?” Brian asked.

“I’m getting the feeling that Momo had ulterior motives for asking me out to prom.” Amira said. She then fished out her smart phone and showed it to Brian. “Look at what she tweeted a few minutes ago.”

It was a selfie pic of Momo and Amira on Momo’s twitter feed. Below the picture, the caption read _Amira is such a good date! So much cooler than @ShadowMan! Hey @Shadowman! Look at how much fun Momo is having!_

“…Momo knows how to use twitter?” Brian asked.

“Yeah, she’s smarter than she lets on.” Amira replied.

“Brian!” Zoe said as she drifted on the winds of chaos towards her date. “You’ll never believe it! I met another girl named Zoe!”

“…Hello, Brian.” said a certain witch, dressed as a legit witch with rose-colored glasses. She crossed her arms and scowled at the zombie.

“…Zoey.” Brian said, trying to stay civil.

*****

Tala Stone sighed as she muzzled and caged the last of the werewolves. She took out her phone and dialed a number. “Kyu? It’s Stone. Just finished my last assignment for the night and I’m on my way over now.”

“Oh thank Venus!” Kyu shouted. “Make it snappy! We’re about to reach climax over here! And not in the sexy way!”

Tala chuckled as she hung up and climbed into her car. She called GPRD headquarters to let her know that most of the significant monster activity in Glenberry had been neutralized for the night and that she was going to be investigating one more possible lead. The bad news was that Huniepop Studios was on the other side of town where she was, so it would still be another twenty minutes or so before she got there.

But hey - what could happen in twenty minutes?

*****

“Okay…oreos…oreos…” Oz said as they searched the lounge’s pantry. Miranda asked for oreos. Specifically, she demanded the cream of the oreos, scraped off those horrid black cookies and instead spread on top of toast along with fresh honey from enchanted hornets.

Who would’ve thought a mermaid princess would make such a high maintenance date?

As they turned another corner, they bumped into a harpy. A harpy with her wings on her hips and a smirk on her face.

It was the harpy from the library.

Oz looked over their shoulder and saw more harpies approaching them. Two more harpies appeared by the first harpy’s side. One had a bag of feathers, and the other had a large bucket of boiling tar. They all glared at the shadow.

“…Okay. I _think_ I know why you’re all mad at me.” Oz said. “But let me just-“

“GET HIM!!!”

In a flurry of feathers, the harpies jumped on top of the shadow.

*****

“Zzzzzz…..zzz…..zzzzz-AAAAAAAHHHHH”

“AAAAAAHHHH”

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!”

Scott and Damien screamed for a good thirty seconds in the lounge as the latter finally came to. The demon looked down at the werewolf’s hand. “WERE YOU POKING ME WITH A FUCKING STICK?!?!”

“Yup!” Scott replied.

“…You know, I SHOULD shout at you, punch you, and/or set you on fire.” Damien said. “But before I do any of that, mind telling me what happened?”

“Oh yeah! That human totally punched you out.” Scott said. “And then Audrey dumped you.”

“WHAT?!” Damien demanded.

“Yeah, she stepped over your unconscious body, and then she started hangin’ around Tommy more.” Scott said.

“I’MMA KILL ‘IM!!!” Damien raged as he stood up.

“Isn’t he gonna just punch you out again though?” Scott asked.

“No he won’t - BECAUSE I’M FUCKING DAMIEN!!!” Damien battle cried as he charged out of the lounge.

*****

“Okay, first question, how are you even looking at my date right now?” Brian asked.

“Oh, what? Are you truly so greedy that I can’t even LOOK at your date?” Zoey asked.

“No, I mean, the mere sight of her should be driving you into the depths of madness.” Brian said.

“These help.” Zoey said as she gestured to her rose-colored glasses.

“Fascinating…” Zoe said as she leaned in closer to the glasses. “Are these enchanted?”

“Indeed! Enchanted with sap from an oak tree, which serves to filter out negative energy.” Zoey bragged.

“Astonishing! I’ve never seen anything like it!” Zoe said as she turned to Brian. “Brian, why did you not ever mention this friend of yours.”

“Slipped my mind…” Brian grumbled. Amira giggled at how Brian’s date was now making friends with his arch-nemesis, but a glare from the zombie seemed to cut off the djinn’s giggling.

That’s when a distressed mermaid princess happened to walk up to the group. “Ah! Brian! I don’t suppose you’ve seen Oz anywhere? It’s almost time for the Prom Queen to be announced, and I must have my king by my side!”

“Hehehehe!” Mom giggled as she arrived as well. “Amira I’m having so much fun! By the way, where is Master? I haven’t seen him all day?”

“Why do you wanna know?” Amira said as she put her hands on her hips. “You wanna make him jealous some more?”

“Yup yup!” Momo replied, oblivious to Amira’s indignation.

“Where IS Oz?” Brian asked aloud. “I haven’t seen him in, like, an hour.”

“HEY EVERYBODY!!!”

Everyone on the dance floor turned to the source of the voice - a harpy standing off on the side of the dance floor, standing next to a tarred, feathered, and mortified Oz. “FUCK THIS BIRD, AM I RIGHT?!?!” the harpy asked. Everyone started to point and laugh at Oz, sending them running off, crying.

“…Hm.” Miranda hummed. “Well, I can’t have a king who was tarred and feathered. I suppose I’ll be ruling the prom alone tonight.”

“Master!” Momo cried out as she took off after Oz. “Come back!”

“Momo! Hold up!” Amira shouted as she chased the cat girl.

Brian turned to Zoe. “Hey Zoe, I gotta go - “

“I must say Zoey, I am LOVING your dress.” Zoe said. “So many colors!”

“Why thank you! They’re all from the gay pride flag.” Zoey replied.

“Hrm. Maybe I’ll get a dress like this.” Zoe said. “Using mysterious colors unlike any seen on Earth.”

Brian rolled his eyes as he shuffled after Momo and Amira.

*****

At long last, Tala Stone pulled into the parking lot outside Huniepop Studios - an inconspicuous-looking warehouse to anyone who walked by without knowing what to look for. It was slightly more conspicuous right now, given the loud music and sounds of teenage monsters coming from inside. The monster hunter climbed out of the car and slammed the door shut. She looked off to the side and noticed a swamp thing vomiting up swamp water into the nearby storm drain, his buddies laughing the whole while. “Dude, you are SOOOO drunk!”

As if on queue, a keg flew through one of the second floor windows, shattering it, and landing on the ground and rolling towards the GPRD agent. She stopped the barrel with her boot before looking back up at the warehouse.

“Holy shit, Kyu wasn’t kidding…” Tala muttered to herself as she assessed the situation. A hundred and some change high school students from the monster realm stomping around inside a local porn studio in time with the latest pop and pop-rock hits. Only in the GPRD.

The amazon reached into her coat pocket and pulled out her walkie talkie. “Breaker breaker, this is Officer Stone.”

Through that very same window, a goblin flew through and landed hard on the concrete. “I’m okay!” she cried out as her girlfriends cackled at her misfortune.

“…I’m gonna need back-up.” she said.

*****

“Okay, everyone!” Mary the Satyr said. “You’ve been voting all night, and the results are in!”

DJ Pele, aka Lailani, cut the music and instead put on a drum roll. Vera and Miranda eagerly stood on either side of Mary. The goat girl unfolded her envelope and pulled out the result and gasped. “Oh my goodness…it’s a TIE!”

The collective crowd gasped. “What?!” Vera demanded.

“Oh my!” Miranda said, shocked. SHOCKED.

“Perfect tie, right down the middle!” Mary said as she showed the two would-be queens the results themselves. “Our bylaws are quite clear on this issue. In the event of a tie, the winner of the contest is decided by…COMBAT!!!”

The crowd then cheered and started chanting. “PROM NIGHT PROM FIGHT PROM NIGHT PROM FIGHT PROM NIGHT PROM FIGHT!!!”

“Yeah, no.” Vera said. “This is a six thousand dollar dress, so I am NOT going to ruin-“

She was cut off as Miranda growled and lunged at the gorgon, tackling her to the ground and biting her with surprisingly sharp teeth. “Aaa you little bitch!” Vera shouted as she slashed at Miranda with her nails, earning a cheer from the crowd.

“Oh dear…” Vicky said as she watched Vera and Miranda locked in a melee, trading scratches and insults, rolling off the stage and across the floor. Slapping, clawing, tearing at each other’s dresses...

“ _Oh dear…_ ” Vicky muttered as she felt herself blush. This was _really_ hot. “Guys, are you seeing this?” she asked Brian, Amira and Oz.

…Only to realize that they weren’t there.

It was at that moment that she realized - she hadn’t actually been hanging out with her friends all that much since she became Vera’s minion / girl-toy. She wondered - had her friendships suffered because of her ruthless pursuit of hot gorgon action? Was this the lesson Kyu had been trying to teach all along?

Meanwhile, Damien was elbowing his way through the crowd. “Audrey? Audrey?!” he demanded.

“Woah, slow down, Bro!” Scott said as he finally caught up to the demon.

“I gotta find Audrey and tell her how I feel!” Damien said. “It’s Prom Night! This is literally the only chance I’ll ever get!”

“Wooooo!!!” Polly shouted as she waved around a bottle of 40. “Prom Night Prom Fight!!!”

“Damn it, Polly!” Damien snapped. “I don’t have time for our usual shenanigans! I’M IN LOVE WITH A HUMAN, DAMN IT!”

“What?” one of the wolf pack asked. “Ha! Hey everybody! Damien’s in love with a _human!_ ”

“CHOKE ON YOUR SHIT!!!” Damien growled as he lunged at the werewolf and started strangling him with his bare hands.

“WOO!!! PROM NIGHT PROM FIGHT!!!” Polly shouted as she punched somebody in the face.

“Ow!” Joy said as she covered her poor bruised nose. “What the hell?!” she growled as magic began to gather in her hands. Between Damien choking out a werewolf, Joy about to banish a certain ghost to a separate plane, and a catfight over who would claim the crown of Prom Queen, this Prom Night Prom Fight was quickly devolving in a Prom Night Prom Battle-Royale.

_BANG!!!_

Everything screeched to a halt as the sound of a gunshot pierced the air. All of the students of Spooky High, frozen where they stood, all looked up at the stage. Standing up there was a tall human woman with long red hair and muscles like a yeti’s. In her hands was an M1 Garand, aimed at the ceiling, tip smoking from the freshly-fired shot. She lowered it and gave the assorted students a dirty look before reaching into her back pocket and pulling out a badge that vaguely resembled a police badge.

“Tala Stone. Global Paranormal Research and Defense. And what we have here is an unlicensed gathering of monsters in the human world, or as we in the GPRD like to call it, an _incursion._ That means you’re ALL under arrest!” the woman’s voice boomed. She pulled a walkie-talkie out of her pocket. “Get the paddy-wagon.” she said into it, just loud enough for everyone to hear.

A pregnant pause.

It was Polly who broke the silence by smashing the 40 she held on the ground. “SCATTER!!!” she yelled.

The students then scattered like rats, running in different directions, making for the exits, eager to get away from the monster hunter with the gun.

Tala Stone chuckled as she saw the teenage monsters flee before her. She couldn’t arrest _all_ of them, obviously, nor did she intend to. She was willing to settle for scaring them off and send them scurrying back to the shadows they crawled out of.

…But she supposed she should at least _try_ to arrest a _few_ of them. She didn’t want these kids to think that their actions wouldn’t have consequences, after all.

*****

“Oz? Where are ya, buddy?”

“Oz? Come on dude!”

“Master? Where are you master?!”

The zombie, djinn and cat girl heard a pathetic sob. They all checked inside a nearby broom closet and found Oz inside, sitting in the corner of the closet, hugging their legs close to their chest, and still very feathery. They glanced up and noticed their friends, but otherwise didn’t move.

“Why did we ever listen to Kyu?” he whimpered. “Why did we ever dare to hope? We should’ve just accepted our place in the universe. Our lonely, celibate place.”

Brian sighed. “For what it’s worth, you’re not the only one having a rough night. I literally found the perfect prom date who’d been hanging around my neck all along…only now she’s slowly becoming BFF’s with my arch-nemesis.”

“Yeah, and I’m not even PRETENDING that Momo didn’t go with me just to try and make you jealous.” Amira said as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“Momo did what now?” Oz asked mere moments before the neko in question tackle-hugged the shadow and started purring.

“Momo’s gonna give you a nice bath to get all the feathers off when we get home, m’kay?” Momo said as she petted Oz’s ‘hair.’

“…Can we go home right now?” Oz feebly asked. “I know it’s early, but…”

“Yeah, this night’s pretty much a dud.” Amira replied with an angry sigh. “Fucking…this was Monster Prom! This was supposed to be our chance to SHINE! I was expecting something…I dunno…climactic!”

That’s when several monster students ran by the closet. One of them, Scott, looked inside in panic. “We’re busted, bro! The GPRD is here!”

“What?” Brian asked.

“There was this giant lady with a gun and she said we’re all under arrest and now everybody’s RUNNING!!!” Scott said. “It’s like track and field without the fun!” And on that note, the werewolf took back off running.

“T-t-the GPRD?!” Oz shouted. “Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no…”

“Game over, man! Game over!” Amira shouted as she too started to panic. “They’re gonna stuff me in a bottle man!”

“Oh wow, _you_ get crammed in a tight space, oh the horror.” Brian said. “I’m a zombie, which means _I’m_ going to get _shot in the head!”_

“They’re gonna put me in a cage and make me wear a cone!” Momo was also panicking.

“…Wait. Where’s Vicky?!” Oz asked.

“Fucked if we know!” Amira replied. “Probably parasitically attached to Vera’s ass like she’s been the last two weeks!”

“W-w-we gotta find her!” Oz said as they stood up. “We can’t let her go to jail!”

“Fuck that!” Amira shouted. “Every monster for themselves! She’s on her own!”

“No!” Oz shouted back. “She’s our friend! We can’t just leave her behind!”

“…They’re right.” Brian said. “Vicky’s one of us. We don’t leave behind our own.”

“…Fuck it!” Amira said as her flame roared up. “I was always gonna die in prison anyway, let’s do it!”

“No Master!” Momo said as she wrapped her arms around Oz. “It’s too dangerous! Don’t go!”

“Listen to me, Momo.” Oz said as he took the neko girl by the shoulders. “I want you to run. Run, and don’t look back. Amira, Brian and me are going to go get Vicky, but it’s not too late for you.”

Momo’s lip quivered before giving the shadow a big hug. “Momo will never forget you.” she said before rushing out of the closet.

“Come on.” Amira said. “Let’s get this over with.”

*****

Tala’s first stop was the employee lounge. Full of snacks and drinks and having an aura of safety and refuge, it would be one of the first places a scared, dumb kid would go to hide. When she arrived, it was surprisingly empty. Not a soul inside.

That’s when she noticed the toaster move.

Ah. _One_ soul.

Tala reached into her duffle bag and pulled out a spell tag. She slapped it on the side of the toaster, which made it shake uncontrollably, all but spitting out a ghost in a pink dress.

“I’M NOT GOIN’ BACK TO JAIL!!!” Polly shrieked as she tried to phase through a wall, but too late. Tala had already fished out a handheld vacuum out of her duffle bag and was now sucking up the ghost.

“No no no no no STOP SUCKING ME!!!” Polly panicked as she was sucked inside the vacuum. A little light on the device winked green, signifying it was full.

Tala stuck the wraith-containment device back into the bag, wondering who or what else didn’t have the sense to get out quick.

*****

Vera and Vicky made a break for it the moment that psycho-amazon made her appearance. They fled down a random hallway and down a flight of stairs into the studio’s basement. Vicky took a piece of spare rebar and twisted it like a pretzel around the door, creating an impromptu lock. While she was doing that, Vera was looking around the basement.

“Okay, that officer will be busy arresting everyone else.” Vicky said as she climbed back down towards the stairs. “If we lie low down here-“

“Are you insane?!” Vera demanded. “You heard her! That female Michael Palin just called this prom an _incursion!_ You know what that means?!”

“…No?” Vicky asked.

“Swat teams! Government coverups! DISSECTIONS!!!” Vera said. “GPRD agents are going to be SWARMING all over this place in ten minutes, and they will leave no stone unturned! We need to get out of here NOW!”

Vicky looked around the basement. Shit! There was no way out! This wasn’t a hiding place, this was a tomb!

Wait…there!

“A window!” Vicky said as she pointed to a small window that lead outside. The two girls ran over, and noted it was too high up for either to reach.

“Gimme a boost.” Vera ordered. Vicky nodded and did just that, lifting Vera up as the gorgon opened the window and began crawling through. “Aha! Freedom!”

“Awesome!” Vicky cheered. “So how are you gonna get me out?”

Vera answered by running away and not looking back.

“…Vera?” Vicky called out.

*****

“Oh no oh no oh no oh no!” Scott said as he jogged in place. “I’M LOST!!! I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO GO!!!”

His ears twitched as he heard a whistle. He turned around and saw…

STEAK!

He thought the person holding the steak looked familiar, but that wasn’t what Scott was focusing on because STEAK!

“Come here boy!” the person said between whistles. “Come get the steak!”

Scott took off running after the steak! He watched the person throw the steak into a doggie cage, and Scott LEAPT inside after the steak, sinking his teeth into the yummy treat!

It was only after her heard the gate close behind him that he realized his mistake.

“Wait. OH NO!” Scott said as he pressed his face against the gate of the doggie cage.

Tala Stone chuckled as she knocked on the cage twice for luck before continuing her hunt.

*****

Vicky had been rocking back and forth in the fetal position in the basement for the last five minutes. Abandoned by her date, she was now awaiting her inevitable doom.

_Thump!_

Vicky jumped at the sudden sound.

_Thump!_

Oh no! That was the basement door! They found her!

_BOOM!_

The door wasn’t just busted down, it was blown apart as smoke and fire poured down the staircase. “Oh, THAT’S not going to alert lumberjack lady at all.”

“Bite me, corpse!”

“Guys, keep it down!”

“Brian? Amira? Oz?” Vicky asked as she peeked out of her hiding spot. “You guys…came back for me?”

“Course we did!” Oz said as the trio came down the stairs. “We don’t leave friends behind!”

“Even when they ditch you to go play henchman to a super hot crime lord?” Vicky asked.

“It’s a common mistake everybody makes.” Brian replied with a shrug.

“We can group hug later! We need to get out of here before we get busted!” Amira said.

“But how are we gonna get past the amazon? She’s on a warpath up above.” Oz said.

“The window!” Vicky said as she pointed to the basement window. “It leads directly outside!”

“Then we can just make a break for it, hot damn!” Amira said with a wide grin as she rushed over. Brian knelt down in front of the window next to Vicky, while Oz and Amira, respectively, hopped atop their shoulders to look outside the window.

“…Shit.” Amira spat.

“What? What’s going on?” Vicky asked.

“We’re surrounded.” Oz whimpered.

*****

Not long after Tala crashed the party, her reinforcements had arrived. The GPRD had set up a perimeter around the building, surrounding it with police tape. They informed passers-by that what happened was simply a Halloween party that got a little too out-of-hand, which actually wasn’t that far from the truth

Tala Stone marched over to one of the paddy wagons, dragging an upstart mermaid princess in tow. “Unhand me, you brute! When my father hears about this, your nation shall DROWN beneath the fury of the waves!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Tala said. “If I had a gold doubloon for every time a mermaid princess gave me THAT line.” She handed the mermaid off to GPRD officers. “Word of warning, boys - she’s a singer. So keep those beeswax earplugs handy.”

“Stone!” one of the officers said as he and his partner escorted an unruly gorgon into one of the police cars. “We caught this one trying to make a break for it.”

“YOU!!!” the mermaid hissed before lunging at the gorgon. The gorgon lunged right back and, were it not for GPRD officers holding them back, they probably would’ve gotten into a catfight for the second time that night.

*****

“Shit!” Amira cursed as she dismounted Vicky. “Now what?!”

Vicky wracked her brain for answers. She’d been working here for like, a week! Come on, there HAD to be another way out…

“The roof!” Vicky said as inspiration struck. “We gotta make for the roof!”

“Then what?” Brian asked. “We’d still be trapped.”

“Well the cops are gonna find us for sure if we stay down here!” Vicky argued.

“She’s right.” Oz said. “Also, I saw the amazon out there! Which means she’s not in here! We gotta move now while we still can!” Oz said.

“Alright. Let’s go!” Vicky cheered as she and the rest of the color crew scrambled up the stairs out of the basement.

*****

“Audrey? Audrey?!” Damien called out as he pushed and elbowed his way through crowds of panicked monsters desperately searching for a way to escape the long arm of the law. He eventually found her in the locker room, hastily clearing out her locker. “Audrey, what are you-”

That’s when a bag of white powder spilled out of her locker. “…Ah.” Damien replied.

“This place is getting fucking rated!” Audrey ranted. “I gotta get rid of my stash! I’m NOT going to jail!”

As Damien watched the redhead desperately empty out her locker of its illicit contents, he felt…something. It was like a stomach ache except…not. Like, the total opposite of a stomach ache. He was feeling a strange sort of impulse. He was no stranger to impulse, but this was different. He felt like…like….

He took the bags of white powder out of her locker. “If they ask, it’s mine.”

He felt like doing something good for someone else.

“…What?” Audrey asked.

“I’ve been busted for a lot things - arson, theft, aggravated assault, arson…”

“You said arson twice.” Audrey pointed out.

“I like arson.” Damien replied. “Point is…I might as well add drug possession to the list.”

Audrey paused. She then shoved the white powder into Damien’s arms and kissed him on the cheek. “I won’t forget this.” And on that note, she took off - out of his life, possibly forever, leaving him holding the literal bag.

Damien sighed. “Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all…”

That’s when he heard a stomping noise coming towards him. The jack-booted amazon turned the corner and scowled at him. “Oh a demon. Sure, why not?” she said.

“Sup officer!” Damien said. “Guess what I’ve got! IT’S FUCKIN’ COCAINE!!! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT YOU MASSIVE CUNT!!!”

She paused.

She then sighed as she pulled out a taser gun. “Sometimes I don’t think I get paid enough for this…” The prongs she fired hit Damien right in the temples, leaving him unconscious for the second time that night.

*****

Beli and the Slayer watched on in concern as they observed panic grip the students as they all scrambled up and down the halls, desperately looking for a way out. “I don’t understand, what’s going on?” Beli asked.

“Cuz. Take Aiko, find your co-workers, and get out of here.” the Slayer said with grim determination.

“But-“

“No buts!” the Slayer said. “Just go!” And before Beli could make any more arguments, she hopped into the nearest vent. “I’ll explain later! Just go!”

Scared, confused, and praying that Aaravi knew what she was doing, Beli wrapped Aiko’s arm around her shoulder and carried her drunken friend out.

Meanwhile, back in the vents, the Slayer continued to crawl through. Something was wrong - few things in this world could send monsters into a panic like this. It must be something truly, unspeakably evil.

Something that must be slain.

She stopped at a grate that looked down on a hallway, and her eyes went as wide as dinner plates. A giant! A giant….red….hairy….THING!!! It was far bigger than anything at Spooky High. It must’ve been what was scaring away these monsters. Readying her daggers, she kicked out the grate and leapt through.

“AMBUSH!!!” she shouted.

And hit the floor hard as the redheaded giant sidestepped her. “What?!” the Slayer demanded. “How did you know I was coming?!”

“Vents are a horrible method of infiltrating a building. Makes WAY too much noise.” Tala said. “Didn’t help that you shouted ‘ambush’ when you jumped out.”

“…Wait a minute.” the Slayer said as she eyed up the amazon up and down. Muscles. A rifle. A duffel bag full of equipment. A trench coat! “Aha! A fellow monster hunter!” she said with a smile as she stood up.

“Yup. Tala Stone, Global Paranormal Research and Defense.” Tala introduced herself.

“I am the Slayer!” the Slayer introduced herself.

“…Just…just Slayer?” Tala asked.

“Yes!” the Slayer said as she showed Tala her glowing green gem. “When I discovered that monsters are real, and was nearly devoured by a Lizardman, the Goddess of the Hunt herself saved me. She then said that she saw great potential in me, and taught me the ways of the Hunt. She named me her champion and blessed me with this gem, telling me that I now had the power to-“

“You got a license for that?” Tala asked.

“…Beg pardon?” the Slayer asked.

“You need a license to carry around magical artifacts of that calibre, AND a separate one to be a monster hunter at all.” Tala said as she crossed her arms. “The GPRD doesn’t want unlicensed amateurs running around, trying to do our jobs, and putting themselves and others in danger in the process. So if you don’t have a license, I’m taking you in.”

“…Aha! So, the Slayer’s role is that of the _renegade_ , is it? If that is the hand that I have been dealt, then I shall gladly - HEY!” the Slayer protested as she was seized and cuffed by the much taller and far more competent monster hunter.

“Come on, it’s off to the pokey with you.” Tala said.

“Wait, WAIT, DON’T PUT ME IN JAIL!!! IF MY COUSIN FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS I’M DEAD!!!” Aaravi panicked.

“Not my problem, kid.” Tala said as she dragged the Slayer back downstairs and outside.

*****

“Kyu, what’s going on?” Lola asked as the love fairy escorted her Hunies out the back door where there weren’t any cops.

“Oh you know just…a police raid.” Kyu said.

“Police raid?!” Lola demanded. “I know the party was getting out of hand, but is that really necessary?”

“Relax.” Kyu said. “I know the girl leading the raid, she’s a professional, she won’t break anything.”

*****

Tala Stone broke down the door to the storage closet, suspecting there were more monsters hiding inside. She pulled out a flashlight and shined it around. “Any unlucky stragglers in here?” she asked.

“GAH!” cried a purple vampire as his head shot up. He tried to make a break for it by scurrying up the walls, but Tala was quick, seizing the little ghoul by the collar of his tuxedo like a puppy by the scruff. “POLICE BRUTALITY! THIS IS POLICE BRUTALITY! #UNLIVESMATTER!!!”

“Save it for the judge, kid.” Tala said. She paused, then sniffed his face, recognizing the distinctive copper scent. “You little fucker - WHO DID YOU KILL?!”

“Um, I don’t _kill_.” the vampire said, offended by the mere suggestion. “I’m a Vegan Vampire. I only drink synthetic blood.”

Tala then heard a small groan from the corner of the room, where the vampire had been hiding. She marched over and saw a black haired girl sporting fresh bite marks on her neck, lying on the floor, dazed and confused. The amazon leered at the vampire.

“Okay, sometimes I drink organic.” the vampire shyly admitted. “But no more than a pint!”

“I’m seeing circles…” the girl said in slurred voice, as though both drunk and high at the same time.

“…Okay, _maybe_ two pints.” the vampire admitted. “But still hardly fatal! Give her a nap and a few sugar cookies and she’ll be perfectly fine.”

Tala Stone reached into her walkie talkie. “Yeah, I got a sucker and a suckee up here. She’s still alive, but kind of out of it.”

That’s when she heard a creaking up above. She looked up and eyed the ceiling suspiciously. “Stay here.” Tala said as she cuffed the vampire to a nearby pipe to go investigate.

*****

After ascending through staircases and hiding whenever they heard heavy amazonian footsteps, the color crew finally arrived on the roof. “What kind of porn studio has a BAT FARM in their ATTIC?!” Amira ranted as she was the first one on the roof.

“You know, I’ve been working here for a week, never got a straight answer to that.” Vicky answered as she followed the djinn outside, followed closely by Oz and Brian. The four monsters peeked over the edge of the roof and noted that the building was pretty securely surrounded. The parking lot out front was surrounded by police tape and blockaded off, while officers patrolled around the back.

“…Welp, we’re boned.” Brian said.

Amira looked around and smiled. “Not yet we’re not. Look!” she pointed at the roof of a neighboring warehouse. “We make that jump, we’ll be home free!”

“Yeah, because if there’s one thing shadows, djinns, zombies and flesh golems are all well known for, it’s their mad parkour skills.” Brian grumbled.

“Is it just me or are you sassier than usual?” Oz asked.

“It’s how I deal with uncontrollable panic.” Brian said.

Vicky eyed up the gap between roofs. “I think we can make it!” Vicky said, not really sure herself. “I’ll go first!” The flesh golem backed up a few dozen feet, before taking a running leap off the roof…

…And plummet to the ground.

Her shriek was cut short however, when something, or someone, caught her mid fall. She looked over her shoulder and gasped.

“Kyu!” Vicky cried as the love fairy caught her. “You saved me!”

“Not exactly…” the fairy ominously replied as she lifted the flesh golem back up to the roof. She then stood in front of her four proteges.

And next to a very tall, very stern-looking GPRD Officer.

“So, are these the four little troublemakers who caused all this?” the officer asked with arms crossed across her chest.

“More or less.” Kyu replied. “Guys, Tala Stone. Tala Stone, guys.”

“…You fucking fairy! You sold us out!” Amira ranted. “What did we ever do to you?!”

“ _You wrecked my studio._ ” Kyu growled.

“That wasn’t us! That was Vera and Damien and all those other really dickish students!” Amira protested.

“Weren’t you trying to light one of the curtains on fire to impress Momo earlier tonight?” Oz asked. Amira shot the shadow a dirty look.

“Okay, Kyu.” Tala said. “You go tend to the Hunies. I’ll take care of these four...”

“Throw _all_ of the books at them, Tal.” the fairy said before she flew off.

“Alright, kids. Let’s head back downstairs…” Tala said.

*****

The soundstage-turned dance hall looked downright eerie with everyone gone. No more dancers, no more snacks, nothing but confetti and empty plastic cups. Not only was it deserted, it was also a mess. Knocked over tables, snacks all over the floor, Tala certainly made an impression with her entrance.

The officer grabbed four plastic fold-up chairs and instructed the four teenage monsters to sit, which they did for fear of their lives and unlives. Tala grabbed a chair herself and took a seat across from the quartet. She stared down at the four of them, watching them shake in their boots as they awaited their fates like mortals awaiting a goddess’s judgement. She then looked around at the mess the students of Spooky High made of Huniepop Studios.

“…Prom is a strange thing, when you get right down to it.” Tala began. “People treat it like this huge milestone, this landmark event that marks the end of one chapter in your life and the start of a new one. You spend an entire year of High School counting down the days, endlessly psyching yourself up for it, and of course working out who your date’s going to be.”

The redhead chuckled. “Man, the date. You spend weeks courting your crush, and if that falls through, you then spend weeks courting your _back-up_ crush, because of course you have a back-up crush. You’ve got an entire portfolio of viable prom date candidates that you put more work into than your actual school work, because THAT’S what really matters. Obviously.”

“Then, after months of anticipation, the big night arrives.” Tala went on. “You come out of that limousine with your date, arms linked together. You take cute photos with them that will be with you for the rest of your life. You look beautiful in your prom dress or absolutely dashing in your tuxedo. Everyone’s dancing, having a good time. Maybe there’s a even a little bit of drama.”

Tala paused and took another look around at the sheer mess around her. “Or a lot of drama, in some cases.” she added. “And after all that - the planning, the photos, the dancing, the drama, the crowning of the king and queen - Prom Night does something really…weird. Weird and kinda funny. Something you honestly never expected it to do.”

“What does it do?” Vicky asked.

“…It ends.” Tala said. “It just…ends. You go home, you put away your dress or your tuxedo, and you wake up the next morning and you’re still….you. Nothing about you really changed. You go to school the following Monday, all the decorations and advertisements are suddenly gone and life just…goes on. Prom Night just came and went, as though it _weren’t_ this massive, life-defining milestone and was just another party.”

Tala smiled ruefully. “And that’s when it hits you - that’s all it really was. Just another party. And you dramatized it so heavily because, well, it’s High School. _Everything_ gets dramatized in High School. Which means it didn’t really matter if you had a date or not, if you got to dress up, or even if you enjoyed yourself. Because Prom isn’t the Alpha and the Omega. It’s not the end-all, be-all you thought it was.”

She smiled warmly at the quartet. “So don’t be bummed because tonight didn’t go the way you hoped. It was just a party. You’ll have plenty more like ‘em.”

“…Does this mean we’re off the hook?” Oz asked.

“Oh God no. You’re _all_ spending the night in jail.” Tala replied.

“Aw.” Oz replied in disappointment.

“Well, that was a very pretty speech, _Officer._ ” Amira sneered. “But we’re STILL gonna be the laughing stock of the school on Monday! I got dumped by a cat girl!”

“My girlfriend became best friends with my arch nemesis.” Brian said.

“My girlfriend ditched me like the disposable minion that I was.” Vicky said.

“And I was tarred and feathered…” Oz said.

“We began this journey as losers, and we’re gonna end it as losers!” Amira raged in despair.

“…Maybe. Maybe not.” Tala said with a mischievous grin. She reached into her duffle bag and pulled out several kinds of shackles, muzzles, and even straight jackets.

“You kids ever seen _Superbad_?” the redhead asked.

*****

When the students of Spooky High fled the building, not all of them were able to get out before Tala Stone’s backup arrived. Those monsters that couldn’t get out before then found a welcoming committee of cops outside. Most were being held for questioning. Miranda, Damien, Scott, Polly, Liam, and Vera were all standing off to the side, waiting for the GPRD to either let them go or take them away.

“This sucks ass.” Damien grumbled. “Fuckers took away my matches AND my lighters!”

“They took away my steak…” Scott said, sad.

“They didn’t take anything away from me.” Polly said. “Which SUCKS because I wanted a CAVITY SEARCH!” She turned to the GPRD officers. “WHAT?! MY ASS ISN’T HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!”

“Ma’am, you’re incorporeal.” one of the officer’s pointed out. “A cavity search isn’t necessary with you.”

It was then that the doors swung open, and Tala Stone came out with a chain in hand. “Come on, you abominations! You’re going on a ride!” She had to all but _drag_ four monsters, all chained together, out of the building.

“Is that…” Liam asked.

“… _Woah._ ” Polly said.

It was Oz, Amira, Brian and Vicky, and they had been restrained far more heavily than any of the other students were. Not only were they all chained together by the ankles like an old-timey chain gang, but they were wearing straight jackets too, as well as Hannibal Lecter-esque face muzzles. However, none of these restraints seemed to stop them from fighting against Tala Stone every inch of the way out.

“Holy shit!” Tala said as she was nearly taken off her feet when the four tried to pull back on her. The redhead was just barely winning this tug of war. “Everybody stay back! These guys are fucking crazy!”

“UNCHAIN US YOU FUCKING PIG!!!” Amira roared as her flame flared up to a dizzying height.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE?!?!” Vicky demanded. “WE’RE THE FUCKING COLOR CREW!!!”

“THE JOINT CAN’T HOLD US!!!” Oz bellowed as their monstrous tongue tried to slip through the holes in their mask, mouth froth beginning to bubble through.

Brian didn’t say anything. Amira looked over her shoulder and nudged the zombie with said shoulder. “Oh! Right uh….Rawr! When we break out of these jackets, you’re a dead woman! Rawr!”

“Holy shit!” Polly said. “Those guys are total badasses!”

“Fuck, you’re right!” Damien said. “Check out that amazon! She’s totally scared shitless!”

“I think those four monsters are cool now!” Scott shouted out loud.

“In all my years in this line of work, I have NEVER encountered monsters more ferocious than these four! No sir!” Tala shouted loud enough for the other Spooky High students to hear before she finally loaded the infamous Color Crew into the back of the GPRD Paddy Wagon, slamming the doors. She climbed into the front passenger’s seat and opened the viewing panel into the back.

“Nice performance, kids.” Tala congratulated.

“Did you see the way Polly looked at me?!” Oz excitedly asked. “She thinks I’m cool again!”

“Well Miranda thought I was a total badass!” Amira bragged.

“Vera thinks I’m credible again!” Vicky excitedly squee’d.

“Thanks, Officer Stone.” Brian said.

“Happy to help.” Tala said with a wink. “You guys are gonna get so much ass if you get out.”

“Hehe, _if_ we get out.” Vicky chuckled. “That’s a good one, Officer Stone!”

Tala merely gave the four monsters an evil smirk before closing the viewing port. “…Officer Stone?” Vicky asked again.

*******************  
The next day…  
*******************

“Alright, my Hunies!” Kyu said as her Hunies gathered on the Huniecouch. “I’m back from Oregon and ready to resume my role as your beloved leader.”

“How was your teaching job, Kyu?” Kyanna asked.

“Enlightening.” Kyu said. “You see, I wasn’t always a CEO of a successful cam girl studio. I was once…a mentor. A teacher, I guess you could say. And for a while, I kinda missed it…”

“Does that mean you’re going to become a teacher full-time?” Tiffany asked.

“…FUCK NO!” Kyu shouted. “For the last three weeks, I’ve been tutoring these four students who were just THE WORST!!! They reminded me that getting out of THAT gig and starting my own business was DEFINITELY the right thing to do! And if I ever get the urge to mentor ANYONE EVER AGAIN, I want someone to just PIMPSLAP me, got it?”

“Can do, boss.” Aiko said.

“Sorry I’m late, Ms. Rembrite.” Bradley said as he entered the studio floor with an armful of portfolios. “Printing out the monthly reports took longer-“

And that’s when he noticed that Kyu was back.

“OH GOOD GOD IN HEAVEN!!!” he shouted as he threw the papers into the air and stumbled back, tripping over some of the lighting equipment.

Kyu smirked to herself. “It’s good to be home.”

************

THE END

************

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween everybody!
> 
> *faints*
> 
> I'm never doing a Huniepop / Monster Prom crossover again.
> 
> ...Oh, who am I kidding, I've already got a script for next year's.


End file.
